Homework

My son was like "I got a D in my maths" and I was like "That's really bad" and my wife was like "You need to stop doing his homework."

by buddah | Thursday 7 September 2017 8:43am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Weather Forecast for Chicago

Cloudy with a chance of violence.

by buddah | Tuesday 5 September 2017 10:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Eggs

Don't put all your "eggs in one basket" is tough advice to follow when you have only one egg.

by buddah | Monday 7 August 2017 10:53am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Adult

Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

by buddah | Monday 7 August 2017 10:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fancy Gym

I went to a gym so fancy they called it a James.

by buddah | Monday 7 August 2017 10:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Yawn

A yawn is just a silent scream for donuts.

by buddah | Monday 7 August 2017 10:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Level of Husband

Made it to that level of husband where I'm only getting 3 things at the store, but my wife still gives me a list.

by buddah | Monday 7 August 2017 10:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Coupon

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me. So now, I have to hide it like it's a dead body.

by buddah | Monday 7 August 2017 10:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Married

90% of being married is just shouting "What?" from various rooms.

by buddah | Monday 7 August 2017 10:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Raul

Raul is one of those names where each letter sounds like it's trying to be in charge.

by buddah | Sunday 9 July 2017 7:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Being an Adult

My son just asked me what it's like to be an adult. I told him, "I don't know." He seemed slightly frightened, so now he knows.

by buddah | Sunday 9 July 2017 7:05am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Schrodinger's Boys

Schrodinger's boys may or may not be back in town.

by buddah | Sunday 9 July 2017 7:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Doctor's Advise

My doctor said I should lower my salt intake - but I took that with a grain of salt.

by buddah | Sunday 9 July 2017 7:03am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Life's Work

I've found out that my life's work is to find out what I should eat next.

by buddah | Sunday 9 July 2017 7:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Ain't No Sunshine

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...Ain't no borderline psychotic, emotional outbursts either.

by buddah | Thursday 6 July 2017 7:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Carpel Tunnel

Can you get carpel tunnel from making too many exaggerated throat-slashing motions?

by buddah | Thursday 6 July 2017 7:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Naps

I took one of those naps that everyone is raving about.

by buddah | Thursday 6 July 2017 7:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Tattoos

Tattoos are like babies. You don't tell the truth and say they're ugly.

by buddah | Thursday 6 July 2017 7:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Knife Fight

I brought a knife sharpener to a knife fight and made $19.95!

by buddah | Thursday 6 July 2017 7:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Johnny Cash

I made a man chop an onion in Reno just to make him cry.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 June 2017 7:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Rodeo

I never wanted to go to the rodeo, but my friends roped me into it.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 June 2017 7:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Daily Exercise

I get most of my daily exercise by shrugging.

by buddah | Saturday 3 June 2017 7:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Rich

I don't need to be filthy rich. A quick "sponge bath rich" would be sufficient.

by buddah | Saturday 3 June 2017 7:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Why I'm Poor

Dear God, I've never asked for much, so I guess that explains a lot.

by buddah | Saturday 3 June 2017 7:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Couch Potato

That's one small step to the fridge,
and one giant leap back to the couch.

by buddah | Saturday 3 June 2017 7:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Zoo

I want to go to a zoo where the animals feed me.

by buddah | Saturday 3 June 2017 7:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Old

I'm not old. I'm chronologically gifted

by buddah | Monday 22 May 2017 6:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Flowers

At my age flowers scare me.

by buddah | Monday 22 May 2017 6:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Be Yourself

Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet. Then be that.

by buddah | Monday 22 May 2017 6:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Coffee

Coffee makes some people crabby, like my co-worker when I took a sip of his.

by buddah | Sunday 14 May 2017 8:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Distracted Driving

To avoid a distracted driving ticket, always keep your hands on the wheel and text with your feet.

by buddah | Sunday 14 May 2017 8:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Anger Management Coach

My anger management coach is mad at me.

by buddah | Monday 8 May 2017 7:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Question for Your Doctor

Ask your doctor if a drug with 19 pages of side effects is right for you.

by buddah | Monday 8 May 2017 7:18am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stopping at Two

Stop at two is the best advice for having kids and having drinks.

by buddah | Monday 8 May 2017 7:17am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Plastic Surgery

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

by buddah | Monday 8 May 2017 7:16am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Arguing with Wife

I won a fight with my wife once. We were arguing about how dumb I was.

by buddah | Monday 8 May 2017 7:15am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Irish Restaurant

McDonalds is probably my favorite Irish restaurant.

by buddah | Monday 8 May 2017 7:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Say No to Drugs

Say no to drugs. But, if you're actually carrying on a conversation with them, it might be too late.

by buddah | Sunday 23 April 2017 8:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

O.K.

You say, "Are you ok?" but I know you mean stop coughing.

by buddah | Sunday 23 April 2017 8:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pen

I'll return your pen when it's out of ink. Thanks

by buddah | Sunday 23 April 2017 8:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Multitask

I admire people who can multitask because I struggle to task.

by buddah | Sunday 23 April 2017 8:35am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Sin

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. Things escalated rapidly.

by buddah | Sunday 23 April 2017 8:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Public Opinion

In the court of public opinion, I was given a life sentence.

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A New Study

A study says that women average saying 7,000 words a day, men 2,000. To be fair, half of the 7,000 come from women repeating themselves to men.

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Salad Bar

The salad bar is the worst bar ever!

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Baseball

Baseball is the coolest sport, because at any time the catcher can stop the game and go tell the pitcher a secret.

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fake News

Weathermen and weathergirls are the original purveyors of fake news.

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Marriage is Awesome

Marriage is awesome if you want someone narrating everything you do before you do it.

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:47am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Waterboarding

You're allowed to waterboard a baby if you call it a "baptism."

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:47am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Men and Secrets

Men are better at keeping secrets, because we never listen to what you're saying in the first place.

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

What Grandpa said

It's like Grandpa always used to say: "Women: can't live with 'em, but by God they're everywhere."

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Best Job

I wish minding my own business counted as a job.

by buddah | Monday 17 April 2017 11:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Understanding Women

Understanding women is like doing a Rubik's cube in the dark.

by buddah | Monday 10 April 2017 7:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Happiness

I took a stab at happiness, and it swiftly parried my blade.

by buddah | Monday 10 April 2017 7:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Strobe Lights

When I can't afford strobe lights for my house party, I just ask everyone to blink to the music instead.

by buddah | Monday 10 April 2017 7:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Therapy

My therapist just offered me my Money Back!

by buddah | Monday 10 April 2017 7:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

On Fire

If you are on on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

by buddah | Monday 10 April 2017 7:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Celery

I like how celery has dental floss built right in.

by buddah | Monday 10 April 2017 7:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Titanic

Most kids that see the movie Titanic for the first time think that it was Celine Dion's song that sunk the ship.

by buddah | Monday 10 April 2017 7:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Good Advice

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

by buddah | Monday 10 April 2017 7:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Empathy

You should walk a mile in my shoes, and I'll take a cab.

by buddah | Thursday 6 April 2017 8:17am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hangover

I've got the kind of hangover that requires a young priest and old priest.

by buddah | Thursday 6 April 2017 8:17am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Alcohol

Alcohol kills brain cells. But not all of them - only those which refuse to drink.

by buddah | Thursday 6 April 2017 8:16am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Past Life Regression

I underwent past life regression with a hypnotist, and discovered that I used to be a janitor in a previous lifetime.

by buddah | Tuesday 28 March 2017 1:54pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

What's in a Word?

There's no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There's also ME, AA, and RAGE.

by buddah | Tuesday 28 March 2017 1:53pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wedding Bells

Every time the wedding bells ring, a divorce lawyer gets his wings.

by buddah | Sunday 26 March 2017 2:09pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Balding

Balding is my default hair style.

by buddah | Tuesday 14 March 2017 9:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Travel

All my friends say I should travel more. And farther away. For longer.

by buddah | Tuesday 14 March 2017 9:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bear Attack

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You'll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

by buddah | Tuesday 14 March 2017 9:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

In-laws Visiting

My inlaws are coming to visit this weekend. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated during this difficult time.

by buddah | Tuesday 14 March 2017 9:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

CIA Hacking

I memorized my grocery list just in case the CIA hacked my iPhone.

by buddah | Tuesday 14 March 2017 9:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Legislation

How long does it usually take to pass legislation through Congress? 2 Months
How long does it take if it's an emergency? 3 Months

by buddah | Monday 6 March 2017 9:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Exercise

I exercised today just to make sure I still don't like it.

by buddah | Monday 6 March 2017 9:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Independent Investigation

President Trump to announce independent investigation into Russia contacts to be headed by Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak.

by buddah | Monday 6 March 2017 9:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Walmart Greeter

A Walmart greeter doesn't meet as many people as the Russian ambassador, Sergey Kislyak.

by buddah | Monday 6 March 2017 9:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Argument with wife

I won an argument with my wife once. It was only in my head, but I'm still counting it.

by buddah | Monday 6 March 2017 9:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Rich

I laugh all the way to the bank just to look rich!

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 8:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Zombie

Honestly, my biggest fear of becoming a zombie is all the walking involved.

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 8:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Divorce

Divorce...the most common home improvement project.

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 7:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Name

"We named you after the place you were born," I explained to my large son Vaginald.

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 7:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

True Love

True love is a case of mistaken identity.

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 7:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gang Sign

My gang sign is a long hug.

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 7:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Birthday Present

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep.

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 7:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gut Feeling

I have a gut feeling about you.

It's called nausea.

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 7:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Drunk Driving

No officer, I'm not slurring. I'm speaking in cursive.

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 7:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Planets

Scientists just found seven new Earth-size planets they say might have biological life, like ours, or even intelligent life, unlike ours.

by buddah | Saturday 4 March 2017 7:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Coffee

I love coffee. It's Red Bull for old people.

by buddah | Thursday 23 February 2017 7:00pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Hobbies

My hobbies are breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

by buddah | Thursday 23 February 2017 7:00pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Running

I'm not running for President in 2020. I've just decided to start running in 2020.

by buddah | Thursday 23 February 2017 6:59pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

How The Crab Got Its Name

The crab got its name after marine biologists observed that it had the worst attitude of all the crustaceans.

by buddah | Thursday 23 February 2017 6:58pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Democrat Candidates in 2020

The Democrats have already decided on their ticket for 2020. Senator Al Franken for president and Dr. Jill Stein for vice president. The bumper sticker should read VOTE FOR FRANKEN/STEIN.

by buddah | Thursday 23 February 2017 6:57pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Rabbi's Advice

A man said to his rabbi. "I think my wife is trying to poison me."
The rabbi said, "I will speak with her."
The next day, the rabbi said, "I spent three hours yesterday talking to your wife. Take the poison."

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mid-Life Crisis

My mid-life crisis has metastasized.

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:28pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bad Childhood

Think you had a bad childhood?
Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:28pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Why Learn History?

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn't need it, and he was a king.

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trump Administration

The Trump administration is running like clockwork...orange.

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:26pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Scissors

I just ran with scissors!

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:26pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mi Casa es su casa

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, "Get the hell off my property!

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fired

He had to leave his last job due to illness. His boss got sick of him.

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

At Work

Boss: "Why are you late?"
Employee: "Why are you obsessed with me?"

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Prayer

God, give me patience. If you give me strength, I will just punch them in the face.

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Confession

A guy enters a Roman Catholic Church confessional booth in D.C.
He tells the Priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of a Democrat."
The Priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."

by buddah | Sunday 19 February 2017 9:21pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Visit With The Shrink

Last week my shrink asked me if I heard voices in my head. I told her no, but that I could hear the voices in HER head.

by buddah | Saturday 4 February 2017 7:31pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Rules of Life

By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

by buddah | Saturday 4 February 2017 7:30pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Anti-social

I'm too anti-social to open the door when opportunity knocks.

by buddah | Saturday 4 February 2017 7:30pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

What's In a Name?

Alexander the Great is what happens when men get to name themselves.

by buddah | Saturday 4 February 2017 7:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Girlfriend

My girlfriend wants to be in a long distance relationship, according to this restraining order.

by buddah | Saturday 4 February 2017 7:28pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Love and Money

I'm pretty sure that people who think all you need is love don't understand how money works.

by buddah | Saturday 4 February 2017 7:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trump's New Book

I'm ghost writing Donald Trump's new book, "Mein Kampf is Bigger than Your Kampf."

by buddah | Saturday 4 February 2017 7:25pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Be Anything You Wanna Be

Of course, you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work.

by buddah | Saturday 4 February 2017 7:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Go Fish

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a kid to play Go Fish, and you'll regret it the rest of the afternoon.

by buddah | Saturday 4 February 2017 7:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Poker

Dad taught me how to play poker when I was little...by walking around the table and telling him what the others were holding.

by buddah | Tuesday 24 January 2017 9:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Time Machine

I know I'm getting close to perfecting my time machine because I've caught several older versions of myself attempting to sabotage my lab.

by buddah | Tuesday 24 January 2017 9:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mess

Please don't make a mess. My cleaning lady is coming tomorrow.

by buddah | Tuesday 24 January 2017 9:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Oregano

Wow! Tell your kid that people from Oregon speak Oregano and all of a sudden, "Dad is the reason he's failing social studies."

by buddah | Tuesday 24 January 2017 9:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trump Cabinet

Donald Trump: "My cabinet has the highest IQ of any cabinet in history. They are all members of MANZA."

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Johnny Cash Phone

I once unplugged a phone from its charger in Reno just to watch it die.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Meeting With The Boss

Boss: "I've called you all here because I suspect one of you...IS AN OWL!
Me: "Who?"
(Everyone stares at me, including Gary whose head turned 180 degrees)

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Motorcycle Racing

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Salmon for Lunch

Me: "I had salmon for lunch."
Wife: "The L is silent."
Me: "Ha, I knew that. I meant unch."

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hummingbirds

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Communication

All communication arose from a deep seated need to complain.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Croatian Proverb

Croatian proverb: All mushrooms are edible, but some only once.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Good Advice

My father always told me that it is better to give than receive, especially if you are a boxer.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Money

Money doesn't talk. It swears.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Chauffeur

My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Library Book

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cats

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Marriage

My wife and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bank Robber

Man: "A woman robbed a bank!"
Police: "What did she look like?"
Man: "I don't know; she was wearing makeup; who knows what she really looks like."

by buddah | Saturday 21 January 2017 11:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Too Much To Drink

I don't say I got drunk anymore. I say my personality was hacked.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Money

Money doesn't talk. It swears.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Nickname

My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Library Book

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:05am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cats

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Wife

My wife and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:03am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bank Robber

Man: "A woman robbed a bank!"
Police: "What did she look like?"
Man: "I don't know; she was wearing makeup; who knows what she really looks like."

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Crime Pays

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

More Job Interviews

Job Interview #1

"Can I offer you a drink?"
- "Ooh yes, I'll have a whiskey."
"This is a job interview!"
- "Good point - make it a double for my nerves."

Job Interview #2

- "My biggest strength is organization...everything in alphabetical order."
"And do you have any weaknesses?"
- "I can't read."

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

I'm Free

A man, upon his release from prison, runs out of the gates screaming, "I'M FREE! I'M FREE!"
A little girl standing nearby, looks at him and says, "I'm four."

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 9:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

12 Years of Therapy

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 8:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mood Ring

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 8:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Instant Replay

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 8:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Charity Work

I do lots of charity work. I volunteer my opinion just about every day.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 8:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Friends

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary, and they would only play with each other.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Deja Moo

"Deja Moo": the feeling that you get when you've heard this bullshit before.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Self Defense

I took a self-defense course. I wouldn't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 8:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Great, Great Grandfather

My great, great grandfather was killed at Custer's last stand...He was camping in the next field, and went over to complain about the noise.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 January 2017 8:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Look at the Bright Side

I tried looking on the bright side of life, but the glare hurt my eyes!

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:17am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Carpenter's Rule

Measure once, panic twice.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:16am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Aim in Life

I need to find my aim in life before I run out of ammunition.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:15am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Three Words

The three words parents fear most on Christmas day: SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:15am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Santa's Idea

Santa has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Miranda

Arguing with the wife is like getting arrested. Anything you say, can and will be used against you.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Review

My review of the sun: ONE star

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

God as Co-pilot

If God is your copilot, you must be a great pilot. I mean, God could probably fly with anyone he wants and he chose you. That is impressive

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Smart Decision

My decision to leave the Christmas lights up all year has paid off once again.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Police Call

Somebody knocks on door.
- "Who is there?"
- "Police."
- "What do you want?"
- "We want to talk."
- "How many of you are there?"
- "Two."
- "So talk with each other."

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dumb Cousin

My cousin was dumb. He picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Grandpa's Christmas presents

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, "You two share."

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Afraid of Santa Claus

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Don't Stop Believing

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Reincarnation

With my luck, I'll probably be reincarnated as myself.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bucket List

I'm so lazy, my bucket list is just my grocery list.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Joint Account

At the bank, I told the teller, "I'd like to open up a joint account."
"Ok, with whom?"
"Whoever who has lots of money."

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gift Card

A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own damn present."

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Christmas Cancelled

Christmas is cancelled. Apparently YOU told Santa that you have been good this year. He died laughing.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:05am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bank Robber

A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points to the teller saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be geography."
The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Granny

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies, "To Hell will the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bums

A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked, "When's payday?"
He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?"
I told him, "Coffee's only a dollar and seventy five cents!"
The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

by buddah | Tuesday 27 December 2016 8:03am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Friend, Duwaine

My friend, Duwaine, grew up in the ghetto. He thought that Jose Feliciano's Christmas song was called "Police Navidad."

by buddah | Monday 19 December 2016 9:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Act Your Age!

They tell me to act my age, but I've never been this age before!

by buddah | Monday 19 December 2016 9:13am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Marriage


Marriage is like a railroad sign...first you stop, then you look, and then you listen.

by buddah | Monday 19 December 2016 9:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

High School Vote

In high school, I was voted most likely to be carried off by a large bird.

by buddah | Monday 19 December 2016 9:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Good Cop/ Bad Cop

Good Cop: Here's a coffee.
Bad Cop: Hope you like prison coffee, scumbag!
Cat Cop: *knocks coffee cup off table*

by buddah | Monday 19 December 2016 9:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Second Rodeo

I can't wait til my second rodeo so I can brag about it not being my first.

by buddah | Tuesday 13 December 2016 11:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

True Love

Nothing says I love you more than a tracking device.

by buddah | Tuesday 13 December 2016 11:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Therapist's Notebook

One time I caught a glimpse of my therapist's notepad and it was just a grocery list.

by buddah | Tuesday 13 December 2016 11:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Kung Fu Fighting

Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu fighting.

by buddah | Tuesday 13 December 2016 11:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Hippie Friend

My hippy friend said that getting stoned to death doesn't sound like that bad of a way to go.

by buddah | Tuesday 13 December 2016 11:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Life Alert Bracelet

I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life, I'll be notified immediately.

by buddah | Tuesday 13 December 2016 11:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mistletoe at the Airport

If you're at the airport and see mistletoe above the conveyor belt... you can kiss your luggage goodbye!

by buddah | Tuesday 13 December 2016 11:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Holiday Season

The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

by buddah | Tuesday 13 December 2016 11:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Shark Tank

I've been invited to appear on Shark Tank next week. I'm going to pitch selling cocaine in bulk.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 December 2016 11:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Rock Group

I just started a new rock group called Hypochondriacs. Our first single is called "I Got This."

by buddah | Tuesday 6 December 2016 10:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Haters

I can't wait to meet this Haters family - people keep telling me to ignore them.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 December 2016 10:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Playing With Transformers

When we were kids, "playing with transformers", meant we all climbed a fence and someone got electrocuted.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 December 2016 10:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

What I've Learned

I've learned it's best not to talk religion, politics, or to people in general.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 December 2016 10:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Feeling Stupid

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 December 2016 10:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Abstract Painting

"Hi, I'd like to buy this abstract, post modernist, surrealist painting of this angst ridden, haunted looking man."

"That, sir, is a mirror."

by buddah | Tuesday 6 December 2016 10:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

D.U.I.

Cop: "Have you been drinking?"
Me: "Nah."
Cop: "Please take off your sombrero."

by buddah | Wednesday 23 November 2016 12:15pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Killing Time

I was killing Time...and then he clocked me upside the head.

by buddah | Wednesday 23 November 2016 12:15pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Why Hillary Lost the Election

Hillary Clinton was having a talk with the devil one day, and Satan told her that if she sold him her soul, he would guarantee her election as President of the United States. She asked, "What's the catch?" And the reason Hillary lost? Satan cancelled the agreement when he found out she had no soul.

by buddah | Wednesday 23 November 2016 12:14pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Compliment from a Cop

Cop: "You have an outstanding warrant."
Me: "Why, thank you."

by buddah | Wednesday 23 November 2016 12:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Private Investigator

I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

by buddah | Wednesday 23 November 2016 12:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Keeping up with Traffic

Officer: "You were speeding."
Me: "I am trying to keep up with traffic."
Officer: "There is no traffic."
Me: "I am really far behind."

by buddah | Wednesday 23 November 2016 12:11pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Imaginary Friends

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary, and they would only play with each other.

by buddah | Wednesday 23 November 2016 12:11pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Common Sense

I use common sense as a weapon.

by buddah | Wednesday 23 November 2016 12:10pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Taking Risks

If you never take risks or try new things, you will be missing out on some of life's greatest disappointments.

by buddah | Thursday 17 November 2016 9:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

What Facebook Taught Me

The only thing that Facebook has taught me is that many people are undiagnosed.

by buddah | Thursday 17 November 2016 9:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stock Market

I don't know why people are reluctant to enter the stock market. This last election, four states, including California, legalized recreational marijuana. I'm going to invest in Doritos and Taco Bell.

by buddah | Thursday 17 November 2016 9:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gay

Boy: "Dad, there's a kid in school who keeps calling me gay."
Dad: "Well,... punch him hard, boy."
Boy: "But, no, Dad. He is sooooooo cute."

by buddah | Thursday 17 November 2016 9:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Report Card

Father : "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

by buddah | Thursday 17 November 2016 9:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Getting Old

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

by buddah | Thursday 17 November 2016 9:43am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Short Sentence

Judge: "I'm giving you a short sentence. Ten Years."
Defendant: "That's not a short sentence."
Judge: "Yes, it is. Ten years. That's two words."

by buddah | Tuesday 15 November 2016 6:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Exercise

I walked up a flight of stairs today. That concludes my exercise for the decade.

by buddah | Tuesday 15 November 2016 6:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

They Know Your Name

If there's a bar where everyone knows your name, you're probably an alcoholic.

by buddah | Tuesday 15 November 2016 6:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Glass Full or Empty

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say the glass is half full.
I say, "Are you gonna drink that?"

by buddah | Tuesday 15 November 2016 6:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trump Tower

I hear the bathrooms in Trump Tower are being relabeled "Bad Hombres" and "Nasty Women."

by buddah | Tuesday 15 November 2016 6:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Torch

I'm still carrying a torch for you, and if I ever see you again, I'm using it to set you on fire.

by buddah | Monday 31 October 2016 8:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Discovery

Hunting for a needle in a haystack, and instead I found the straw that broke the camel's back.

by buddah | Monday 31 October 2016 8:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Returns

ME: I'm returning these shirts.
CLERK: Do you have a receipt?
ME: No.
CLERK: Reason for the return?
ME: I no longer want to look like this.

by buddah | Monday 31 October 2016 8:39am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Big Burden

It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forest fires.

by buddah | Monday 31 October 2016 8:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Therapist

I just saw my therapist at McDonald's, and he gave me the finger.

by buddah | Monday 31 October 2016 8:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Old

You know you're old when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

by buddah | Monday 31 October 2016 8:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Breaking News Regarding Hillary

BREAKING NEWS: Satan just withdrew his support of Hillary Clinton.

by buddah | Tuesday 18 October 2016 11:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Free

Lots of the worst things in life are free as well.

by buddah | Tuesday 18 October 2016 11:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Little Amy

Little Amy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amy?"
"My canary died," replied Amy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a canary, isn't it?"
Little Amy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

by buddah | Tuesday 18 October 2016 11:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Friend Died

My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.

by buddah | Tuesday 18 October 2016 11:05am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Married Men

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

by buddah | Tuesday 18 October 2016 11:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trump Campaigning

Trump on the campaign trail: "Obamacare has failed. You get a hand transplant now, the hand comes from a murderer, then it kills you while you sleep. Terrible!"

by buddah | Tuesday 18 October 2016 11:03am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

No I in Team

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

by buddah | Tuesday 18 October 2016 11:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Photos of Animals

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos, most cats look like sociopaths.

by buddah | Tuesday 11 October 2016 10:05am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

2016 Presidential Debate

Best quotes from last night's presidential debate:

Hillary Clinton: "One of these days, our kids will realize we're saddling them with massive debt. So let's act now and raise the voting age."

Donald Trump: "If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. I learned that the hard way."

by buddah | Tuesday 11 October 2016 10:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Aging

Realize that your age is just the number of times you went around the sun.

by buddah | Tuesday 11 October 2016 10:03am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Rub a Dub Dub

"Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub" seems kinda weird to me.

by buddah | Tuesday 11 October 2016 10:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bad Job Interview

(job interview)
"What's your biggest weakness?"
"I make poor decisions"
"Can you explain?"
"Sure, but let's do some shots first!"

by buddah | Tuesday 11 October 2016 10:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Singing at the Ballpark

Why does everybody stand up and sing "Take me out to the ball game" when they're already there?

by buddah | Tuesday 11 October 2016 10:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Shining

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

by buddah | Tuesday 11 October 2016 9:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

In The Emergency Room

MRS. PINATA: "Will my husband make it, doc?"
DOCTOR (*slurping on sucker*): "We'll do what we can, but he's lost a lot of candy."

by buddah | Wednesday 5 October 2016 1:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Another Job Interview

Interviewer: "If we hire you, where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me: "On paid administrative leave."

by buddah | Wednesday 5 October 2016 1:17pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Relationships

My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined, and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.

by buddah | Wednesday 5 October 2016 1:15pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

When The Chips Are Down

When the chips are down, you can always count on me. I love chips.

by buddah | Wednesday 5 October 2016 1:14pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Electric Cigarette

I was trying to be a gentleman by lighting a girl's cigarette. Had no idea it was an electric cigarette. She's in the hospital.

by buddah | Wednesday 5 October 2016 1:14pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

To Any Babies

To any babies out there, I'm impressed that you can read this.

by buddah | Wednesday 5 October 2016 1:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Who's This Clown?

Most cutting thing you can say is "Who's this clown?" because it implies that they're a clown and not even one of the better-known clowns.

by buddah | Monday 26 September 2016 2:20pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Job Interview Tip

It's usually not a good idea to use the term "Earthlings" in a job interview.

by buddah | Monday 26 September 2016 2:19pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

MADEM

MADEM, Mothers Against Drugs Except Marijuana, will be using the gymnasium this evening for a bake sale.

by buddah | Monday 26 September 2016 2:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Flash Mob

I do flash mobs alone sometimes. It's me just showing up somewhere.

by buddah | Monday 26 September 2016 2:08pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Judging Others

Don't be so quick to judge others. Take your time and really get into it.

by buddah | Monday 26 September 2016 2:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Q

Q is the only letter with visible genitalia.

by buddah | Tuesday 20 September 2016 9:42am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Chicken Fried Rice

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

by buddah | Tuesday 20 September 2016 9:42am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Thinking About You

I was just thinking about you. (Please disregard if this is not you)

by buddah | Tuesday 20 September 2016 9:41am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Doctor

The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey.
Also, I'm calling myself "the doctor" now.

by buddah | Tuesday 20 September 2016 9:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

WTF

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!!

by buddah | Tuesday 20 September 2016 9:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Airline Charges

The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.

by buddah | Tuesday 20 September 2016 9:39am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Little Birdie Told Me

Dad: "A little birdie told me that you are doing drugs."
Son: "You're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?"

by buddah | Monday 12 September 2016 10:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Homonyms

And now, a lesson in homonyms: "Freshman Year" = "Fresh Manure"

by buddah | Monday 12 September 2016 10:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Talking with Cops

When a cop pulls you over and asks,"Do you know why I pulled you over," you might not want to say, "Because my tires look like donuts."

by buddah | Monday 12 September 2016 10:03am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Complaining

"If you don't vote, you can't complain."
-said by people who don't understand how complaining works.

by buddah | Monday 12 September 2016 10:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Kindness

Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I've actually killed several people with it.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 September 2016 10:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

McDonalds

At McDonalds, when they say "sorry about your wait" they really mean "sorry about your weight".

by buddah | Tuesday 6 September 2016 10:35am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Granddad's Last Words

I'll never forget my granddad's last words, "Are you holding that ladder properly?"

by buddah | Tuesday 6 September 2016 10:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Speeding Ticket

"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?"

"Keep it, when you collect three of them, you get a bicycle."

by buddah | Tuesday 6 September 2016 10:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fake Trump Quote

"Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you're making the best mistakes possible." - Donald Trump

by buddah | Friday 2 September 2016 5:25pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Good Place

I'm in a good place right now... not emotionally. I'm just at the liquor store.

by buddah | Friday 2 September 2016 5:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Drinking Water

Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.

by buddah | Friday 2 September 2016 5:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Road Kill

I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat animals cross the road.

by buddah | Friday 2 September 2016 5:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hillary Clinton Lies

Hillary Clinton doesn't lie all the time. She has to sleep, you know.

by buddah | Friday 2 September 2016 5:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Homeless People

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a jerk about it.

by buddah | Monday 29 August 2016 11:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Husband

Being a husband is like being a weatherman. You can be wrong 80% of the time and still hold onto your job.

by buddah | Monday 29 August 2016 11:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Job

I used to be a hot-tar roofer...yeah, I remember that day.

by buddah | Monday 29 August 2016 11:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Monkey

What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom.

by buddah | Monday 29 August 2016 11:53am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Drug Dealers

I'm sick and tired of cocaine dealers always sticking their business in other people's noses.

by buddah | Monday 29 August 2016 11:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Russian Roulette

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

by buddah | Monday 29 August 2016 11:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Before the Internet

I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. None of my 13 siblings could tell me.

by buddah | Monday 29 August 2016 11:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Identity Theft

My friend David was a victim of ID theft. Now we just call him Dav.

by buddah | Thursday 25 August 2016 8:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Childhood

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. That kid didn't help me at all.

by buddah | Thursday 25 August 2016 8:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Babies

Make no mistake about why babies are here. They're here to replace us.

by buddah | Thursday 25 August 2016 8:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Elevator Button

The close door button on an elevator is a button placebo.

by buddah | Thursday 25 August 2016 8:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

More Therapy

My therapist wants to start meeting twice a week; I guess she's going through a really hard time.

by buddah | Thursday 25 August 2016 8:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Life Insurance

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

by buddah | Thursday 25 August 2016 8:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Wife, The Shopper

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last week she bought an escalator.

by buddah | Saturday 20 August 2016 7:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

What To Do?

I want to do something with my life, but nothing that costs more than twenty dollars.

by buddah | Saturday 20 August 2016 7:21pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Disneyland

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My old man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

by buddah | Saturday 20 August 2016 7:20pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Question

Can deaf people tell the difference between a yawn and a scream?

by buddah | Saturday 20 August 2016 7:17pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trump Reaching Out

Trump turns his "Make America Great Again" hat around and says, "I have a fantastic relationship with the blacks, believe me."

by buddah | Saturday 20 August 2016 7:16pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Interaction With The Boss

Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?"
Me: "The antidote?"

by buddah | Saturday 20 August 2016 7:15pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Saving Money

I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by not paying it.

by buddah | Saturday 20 August 2016 7:15pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Talking Behind My Back

I hate the idea of people talking about me when I'm not around. All those compliments I'll never get to hear...

by buddah | Saturday 20 August 2016 7:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Tired of Rap Music

I'm tired of rap songs starting with going "uhuh uhuh...One two one two...Let's do this..." No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

by buddah | Tuesday 16 August 2016 8:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Why be Difficult?

Why be difficult when with a little effort, you can be impossible?

by buddah | Sunday 14 August 2016 4:56pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Most Dangerous Room

The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.

by buddah | Sunday 14 August 2016 4:55pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trump and the Olympics

Donald Trump is watching the Olympics to see how high the Mexican pole vaulters can go.

by buddah | Sunday 14 August 2016 4:55pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Exercise

I was going to go running, but no one was chasing me.

by buddah | Sunday 14 August 2016 4:54pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

No Bull


I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young,so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.

by buddah | Thursday 11 August 2016 8:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Group Therapy

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

by buddah | Thursday 11 August 2016 8:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My New Game Show

Look for my new game show on the Food Network, where contestants try to figure out what I've spilled on my shirt.

by buddah | Thursday 11 August 2016 8:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Poker

I wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.

by buddah | Thursday 11 August 2016 8:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Choosing a Job

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.

by buddah | Tuesday 9 August 2016 11:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lunch

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it "Stool Sample."

by buddah | Tuesday 9 August 2016 11:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mount Rushmore

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads.

by buddah | Sunday 7 August 2016 3:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dinner With a Celebrity

If I could have dinner with any celebrity alive or dead, I would rather just eat two dinners by myself.

by buddah | Sunday 7 August 2016 3:28pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Historic Election

First Black President followed either by First Woman President or First Orange President.

by buddah | Saturday 6 August 2016 6:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Never Drunk

I don't say I got drunk anymore. I say my personality was hacked.

by buddah | Saturday 6 August 2016 6:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Power Outage at Trump Rally

There was a power outage at a Trump rally in Trump Tower in New York yesterday. Twenty-five Trump supporters were trapped on the escalator.

by buddah | Saturday 6 August 2016 6:10pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hot Outside

It's so hot outside, I almost went to a Hillary Clinton rally just be be near something shady.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 August 2016 5:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Identifying a Hillbilly

You know that you're a hillbilly when you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws!

by buddah | Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Benefits of Therapy

My therapist makes the best coffee.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Next Door Neighbors

Heard the couple next door fighting. I give that marriage maybe thirty, forty years TOPS.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:11pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Powerball

Today is Make Your Dreams Come True Day so be sure to buy a Powerball ticket if your dream is to be murdered for your money.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:10pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Good Decision

All this chaos surrounding the Rio Olympics really validates my decision to not become an elite athlete.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:09pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Possibilities

"All things will be possible again." Except Donald releasing his tax forms, apparently.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:08pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Feeling Stupid?

Whenever you feel stupid, remember there are people out there looking for Pokemon.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Purpose of Cats

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:05pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mistakes

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 July 2016 6:30pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Consciousness

Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 July 2016 6:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trump and Reagan

Similarities between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan:

"Donald" rhymes with "Ronald."

President Reagan's "Western White House" was his beloved Santa Barbara ranch. Trump Steaks came from cows that once lived on a ranch.

President Reagan signaled the end of the Cold War and the Soviet Union when he went to Berlin and implored of his counterpart, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" Donald Trump signaled the end of the Republican relationship with Latino voters when he went to Texas and proclaimed, "I will build a big, beautiful wall, and Mexico will pay for it!"

by buddah | Sunday 24 July 2016 9:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

What My Shrink Said

"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," my psychiatrist said, "try and get me a nice video camera."

by buddah | Thursday 21 July 2016 5:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Depression

I never get depressed, because I'm always down.

by buddah | Thursday 21 July 2016 5:21pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Journal Entry

Dear Journal: I've figured out what's been causing my writer's cramp, that's why this is my last entry.

by buddah | Thursday 21 July 2016 5:20pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

San Francisco

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

by buddah | Monday 18 July 2016 6:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Comedian

I told my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, and they all laughed at me!

by buddah | Monday 18 July 2016 6:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Amnesia

I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.

by buddah | Monday 18 July 2016 6:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Eating Out

My wife said I was going to eat out tonight. She left a sandwich on the porch.

by buddah | Monday 18 July 2016 6:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hermits

Hermits have no peer pressure.

by buddah | Monday 18 July 2016 6:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Friends

A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move...a body.

by buddah | Monday 18 July 2016 6:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Nicotine Patches

Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 July 2016 10:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Score

The score was Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 when the game was called because of rain.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 July 2016 10:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cats

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 July 2016 10:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Larry

I found out one of my old friends, Larry, is in jail now. Larry got 25 years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 July 2016 10:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Excuses

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in?"

by buddah | Friday 8 July 2016 6:49pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Recent Police Sudy

A recent police study found that you'e much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

by buddah | Friday 8 July 2016 6:48pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Quitting School

I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia; not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.

by buddah | Saturday 2 July 2016 1:04pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Smart

When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

by buddah | Saturday 2 July 2016 1:04pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Tough School

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner

by buddah | Saturday 2 July 2016 1:03pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Balloon

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon...but it never really took off.

by buddah | Saturday 2 July 2016 1:03pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Libertarian

A libertarian is just a Republican who takes drugs.

by buddah | Saturday 2 July 2016 1:02pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wrong About Everything

You know...There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time...Husband!!!

by buddah | Saturday 25 June 2016 6:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bossy

I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

by buddah | Saturday 25 June 2016 6:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The First Forty

The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.

by buddah | Saturday 25 June 2016 6:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Walk a Mile

I can't walk a mile in your shoes. They're too small.

by buddah | Saturday 25 June 2016 6:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Forgotten

Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you...a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.

by buddah | Saturday 25 June 2016 6:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Glass of Water

Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the opportunist.

by buddah | Saturday 25 June 2016 6:20pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Time

No man goes before his time...unless the boss leaves early.

by buddah | Sunday 12 June 2016 8:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Acute Appendicitis

I went to the doctor, and he said that I had acute appendicitis, and I said, "Compared to who?"

by buddah | Sunday 12 June 2016 8:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Television

I don't know what was wrong with my television last night, but I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station, and I actually bought a congressman.

by buddah | Sunday 12 June 2016 8:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Donald Trump

Donald Trump is the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him.

At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute 'Sieg Heil!' Trump immediately responded, "There is no place for that here - save it for my inauguration."

A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, "Trump's a racist." The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.

Donald Trump said yesterday that if he's elected, he would "probably not talk as much." That's right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.

by buddah | Thursday 9 June 2016 9:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Laugh

Life is too short to be serious all the time, so if you can't laugh at yourself, call me and I'll laugh at you!

by buddah | Monday 6 June 2016 6:42pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Satire

People say satire is dead; it's not dead; it's alive and running for President of the United States.

by buddah | Saturday 28 May 2016 8:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Identifying Rednecks

You might be a redneck if...you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

by buddah | Saturday 28 May 2016 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Conversation

She: "I've waited so long to find someone like you."

Me: "Oh, someone like me, I'm not good enough for you, eh?"

by buddah | Saturday 28 May 2016 8:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Old Age

First you forget names, then you forget faces...next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

by buddah | Saturday 28 May 2016 8:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Life

Life is like a dogsled team; if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

by buddah | Saturday 28 May 2016 8:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Where I Live

I don't live in the fast lane - I live on the off ramp.

by buddah | Saturday 28 May 2016 8:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Living Alone

It's not living alone if you keep a gun under the bed.

by buddah | Monday 23 May 2016 10:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Married Men

If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

by buddah | Thursday 19 May 2016 8:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Poodles

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

by buddah | Thursday 19 May 2016 8:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Before

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

by buddah | Thursday 19 May 2016 8:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Slow Driver

My friend drives so slow that when we're on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

by buddah | Thursday 19 May 2016 8:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Sincere Advice

For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3:00 a.m.

by buddah | Tuesday 10 May 2016 5:52pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pig Latin

I don't want to brag, but I do speak Pig Latin; I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.

by buddah | Tuesday 10 May 2016 5:51pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Cousin

I got a cousin who's a psychotic with low self-esteem; he only wants to assassinate the vice president.

by buddah | Tuesday 10 May 2016 5:50pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bat Shit

If I ever saw bat shit, I'd be like, "that's crazy."

by buddah | Wednesday 4 May 2016 2:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Vests

I think vests are all about protection; like a life vest protects you from drowning, and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot, and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

by buddah | Wednesday 4 May 2016 2:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Zip Code

The town where I grew up has a zip code of E - I - E - I - O.

by buddah | Wednesday 4 May 2016 2:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fishing

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

by buddah | Wednesday 4 May 2016 2:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Clock

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it...so I just added "ish" to every number.

by buddah | Wednesday 4 May 2016 2:11pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Grey Hair

Grey hair is God's graffiti.

by buddah | Wednesday 4 May 2016 2:09pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Diet

My new diet: eat as much as you want - just don't swallow it.

by buddah | Wednesday 4 May 2016 2:08pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Old

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

by buddah | Wednesday 4 May 2016 2:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Clue

I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why; but for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.

by buddah | Monday 25 April 2016 8:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My New Chinese Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one... If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

by buddah | Monday 25 April 2016 8:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pennies

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "You have to put your two cents in?"... somebody's making a penny.

by buddah | Monday 25 April 2016 8:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pet Name

A good name for a pet lobster is Claude.

by buddah | Monday 25 April 2016 8:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Reminisce

I like to reminisce with people I don't know...granted, it takes longer.

by buddah | Monday 25 April 2016 8:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mistakes

I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.

by buddah | Monday 25 April 2016 8:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cake

I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.

by buddah | Monday 25 April 2016 8:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wrong Answer

When your wife says, "What would you do without me?" a bad answer is "live happily ever after."

by buddah | Monday 25 April 2016 8:43am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Sesame Street

I'm still kinda pissed that they never did tell us exactly how to get to Sesame Street.

by buddah | Monday 25 April 2016 8:42am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Weather Girl

I once dated a weather girl. We talked up a storm.

by buddah | Sunday 17 April 2016 8:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Grandfather


My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.

by buddah | Sunday 17 April 2016 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Exit Only

I saw a sign on this door; it said, "Exit Only." So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, "I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man."

by buddah | Sunday 17 April 2016 8:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Frugal Widow

A frugal widow goes to the newspaper to take out an obituary notice for her late husband.

"How much?" she asks the fellow behind the counter.

"One dollar per word," he says.

She says, "Make it 'MacGregor died.'"

"It's a five-word minimum."

She nearly faints but collects herself. "Very well, make it 'MacGregor died. Volvo for sale.'"

by buddah | Sunday 17 April 2016 8:18am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dinner Companion

If I could have dinner with anybody I choose, living or dead...I'd choose living.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 April 2016 8:53am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Nostalgia

Nostalgia is heroin for old people.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 April 2016 8:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

ATM Machines

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, "Got it!' And then I run away.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 April 2016 8:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Glass Houses

There's a saying that goes, "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." OK. How about, "Nobody should throw stones?" That's crappy behavior. My policy is, "No stone throwing regardless of housing situation."

by buddah | Tuesday 12 April 2016 8:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Game, Set, Match

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 April 2016 8:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Changing Names

Yesterday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind -- especially Dead Tony.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 April 2016 8:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Can You Trust Women?

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, "Does he bite?" She said "No." And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? Liar."

by buddah | Tuesday 12 April 2016 8:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?


"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2?" And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Lyin' Ted Cruz, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, "10101000101", on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you."

by buddah | Sunday 3 April 2016 12:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Job

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances; seems easy...you just say what the thing does and add "er."

by buddah | Tuesday 29 March 2016 7:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Advice

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade...then find someone who's life has given them vodka, and have a party.

by buddah | Sunday 20 March 2016 10:39am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bucket List

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

by buddah | Sunday 20 March 2016 10:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Introductions

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said, "If you need anything, I'm Jill." I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

by buddah | Sunday 20 March 2016 10:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bernie Sanders

What's Bernie Sanders' least favorite video game? Super-PACman.

What's Bernie Sanders' least favorite milk? 1%.

by buddah | Sunday 20 March 2016 10:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Who am I?

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I've got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"

by buddah | Sunday 20 March 2016 10:35am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fruit Baskets

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh? What the hell is this?" but if it's in a fruit basket you're like, "This is nice!"

by buddah | Sunday 20 March 2016 10:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Yelling "Fire!"

It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"

by buddah | Monday 14 March 2016 10:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Food Fight

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

by buddah | Monday 14 March 2016 10:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dictionary

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

by buddah | Monday 14 March 2016 9:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trump's New Plan

Donald Trump's new plan to reduce the deficit and balance the budget: After Trump is inaugurated next year as president, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch than illegals and less likely to remember how to get back home.

by buddah | Sunday 6 March 2016 1:35pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Sugar Ray Leonard Quote

"We're all endowed with God-given talents...mine happens to be hitting people in the head." - Sugar Ray Leonard

by buddah | Sunday 6 March 2016 1:34pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Thoughts

My wife and I have never thought of divorce during our 30+ years of marriage. Murder, maybe, but not divorce.

by buddah | Sunday 6 March 2016 1:33pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Canadian Pharmacists

Do Canadian pharmacists get their degrees on-line?

by buddah | Sunday 6 March 2016 1:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cheer Up!

Cheer up! Things could be worse.
I cheered up - and sure enough, things got worse!

by buddah | Sunday 21 February 2016 9:16am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Rare Photo

I have a rare photo of Houdini locking his keys in his car.

by buddah | Sunday 21 February 2016 9:16am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Donald Trump

Donald Trump reminds me of a used car salesman with a flame thrower.

by buddah | Sunday 21 February 2016 9:15am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Loud

Those who know the least will always know it the loudest.

by buddah | Sunday 21 February 2016 9:15am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Abstract Painting

I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings ... no paint, no canvas; I just think about it.

by buddah | Sunday 21 February 2016 9:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wife

My wife and I are always fighting; when we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

by buddah | Saturday 13 February 2016 5:55pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Those Who Know

Those who know the least will always know it the loudest.

by buddah | Saturday 13 February 2016 5:54pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Abstract Painting

I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings...no paint, no canvas; I just think about it.

by buddah | Saturday 13 February 2016 5:53pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Progressive

A "progressive" is someone who is so open-minded that their brain has fallen out.

by buddah | Saturday 13 February 2016 5:52pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hanging Out

When you hang out with the wrong people in the wrong places, you will soon do the wrong things.

by buddah | Saturday 13 February 2016 5:52pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Small Children

When I'm driving and I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING...I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

by buddah | Saturday 13 February 2016 5:51pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Guess who died?

Damn! I just heard that Michael Jackson died.

by buddah | Saturday 13 February 2016 5:50pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Job Interview

I went on a job interview and the lady asked me if I'd pass a drug test; I said, "Yeah, if it's written."

by buddah | Tuesday 2 February 2016 10:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Small Children

When I'm driving and I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING... I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 February 2016 10:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

News

Damn! I just heard that the singer Michael Jackson died.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 February 2016 10:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lawyers

90% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 February 2016 10:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Southern Gay

A gay gentlemen from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y'all.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 February 2016 9:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Massage Parlor

I went to a massage parlor; it was self service.

by buddah | Tuesday 2 February 2016 9:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fool Me Once

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... prepare to die." - Klingon Proverb

by buddah | Tuesday 2 February 2016 9:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Origin of Rap Music

I did some musical research, and I found out it was actually white people that came up with rap music... only, they call it square dancing.

by buddah | Sunday 24 January 2016 11:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Questions

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?

by buddah | Sunday 24 January 2016 11:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Argument in Vegas

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

by buddah | Sunday 24 January 2016 11:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Killing

I almost made a killing on Wall Street. I shot my broker.

by buddah | Sunday 24 January 2016 11:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cell Phones

Apparently we love our own cell phones, but we hate everyone else’s.

by buddah | Sunday 24 January 2016 11:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Multitasking

Definition of multitasking: screwing up more than one thing at the same time.

by buddah | Sunday 24 January 2016 11:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Money

Money doesn't talk. It swears.

by buddah | Sunday 24 January 2016 11:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Last Request

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

by buddah | Sunday 24 January 2016 11:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lost and Found

When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?"

by buddah | Friday 15 January 2016 4:40pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Quickie

I asked the waitress for a quickie; the man next to me said, "It's pronounced quiche."

by buddah | Friday 15 January 2016 4:39pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dizzy Spell

I had a dizzy spell at work today. Used it on my boss, and he fell down the stairs.

by buddah | Friday 15 January 2016 4:39pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

At the Library

I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: "Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?"

by buddah | Friday 15 January 2016 4:38pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gun Buy

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."

by buddah | Friday 15 January 2016 4:37pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fat Rhonda

My friend Rhonda is so fat ... when she was a kid she could only play seek.

by buddah | Friday 15 January 2016 4:36pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Football Quote

You know, just once I’d like to hear a player say,"Yeah, we were in the game - until Jesus made me fumble; he hates our team."

by buddah | Friday 15 January 2016 4:35pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Road Rage

Sometimes I get ROAD RAGE walking behind someone at the supermarket.

by buddah | Friday 15 January 2016 4:34pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Murphy's Second Law

Murphy's second law: everything takes longer than you think it will.

by buddah | Thursday 7 January 2016 9:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

No, Thanks

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

by buddah | Thursday 7 January 2016 9:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Confidence

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

by buddah | Thursday 7 January 2016 9:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Old School

I'm so old that when I went to school, they didn't have history.

by buddah | Thursday 7 January 2016 9:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Memory

I have a memory like an elephant; in fact, elephants often consult me.

by buddah | Saturday 2 January 2016 6:00pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

When I Was Little

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving...he said it was elevator practice.

by buddah | Saturday 2 January 2016 5:59pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Best Medicine

Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.

by buddah | Saturday 2 January 2016 5:59pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gym Membership

I went to a gym; they offered me free membership for life if I posed for a "Don't let this happen to you" poster.

by buddah | Saturday 2 January 2016 5:58pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Great, Great Grandfather

My great, great grandfather was killed at Custer's last stand...he was camping in the next field and went over to complain about the noise.

by buddah | Saturday 2 January 2016 5:57pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Exercise

I get my exercise from acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.

by buddah | Saturday 2 January 2016 5:56pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Housework

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

by buddah | Saturday 2 January 2016 5:56pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Date Night

I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection...he pulled a switchblade on me.

by buddah | Saturday 2 January 2016 5:55pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Words That Parents Fear on Christmas

The three words parents fear most on Christmas day:
SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

by buddah | Saturday 2 January 2016 5:54pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Santa

What nationality is Santa Claus?

Answer: North Polish

by buddah | Thursday 24 December 2015 8:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dumb Cousin

My cousin was dumb. He picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

by buddah | Thursday 24 December 2015 8:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Debate Team

In school I wanted to join the debating team ... but someone talked me out of it.

by buddah | Thursday 24 December 2015 8:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Helium Factory

I quit my job at the helium factory - I didn't like spoken to in that voice.

by buddah | Thursday 24 December 2015 8:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Life's a Bitch!

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

by buddah | Thursday 24 December 2015 8:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Soup

I'm sick of "soup of the day," it's time we made a decision.

by buddah | Thursday 24 December 2015 8:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Today's World

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

by buddah | Thursday 24 December 2015 8:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Over the Hill

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

by buddah | Thursday 24 December 2015 8:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Age

At my age, everything comes with a lifetime guarantee.

by buddah | Tuesday 15 December 2015 8:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pillage

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

by buddah | Tuesday 15 December 2015 8:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Chat

What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion.

by buddah | Tuesday 15 December 2015 8:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

You Are Old

You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.

by buddah | Tuesday 15 December 2015 8:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Training

The training course, "How to deal with disappointments" is canceled, again.

by buddah | Tuesday 15 December 2015 8:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Senior Moments

My senior moments sometimes turn into a week long vacation!

by buddah | Thursday 10 December 2015 8:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Socially Acceptable

Apparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

by buddah | Thursday 10 December 2015 8:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Holiday Season

The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

by buddah | Thursday 10 December 2015 8:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

People Like You

I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

by buddah | Thursday 10 December 2015 8:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New job

I got a job as a litter removal man. I didn't have any training, just thought I'd pick it up as I go along.

by buddah | Thursday 10 December 2015 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Victoria's Secret

Victoria's secret... is that she used to be a guy called Victor.

by buddah | Thursday 10 December 2015 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Weight Lifting

My idea of weight lifting is standing up.

by buddah | Thursday 10 December 2015 8:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs were in a bathtub, feeling happy, until happy got out. Then they just started feeling grumpy.

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:35pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Jeb

Jeb - Read my lips: "No new Bushes."

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:34pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lost

Once when I was a kid, I was lost. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid...there are so many places they can hide."

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

I Came. I Saw.

Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Relationships

A relationship is the period of time between "I love you" and "Everything you do pisses me off."

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:31pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Nightlight

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:30pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Two Boll Weevils

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:30pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Senility Prayer

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fallen

Help, I've fallen and I can't...Hey, nice carpet!

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Addicted

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit but it wouldn't matter.

by buddah | Thursday 3 December 2015 5:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

S & M Hotline

I just called the S&M hotline but no one answered. They're probably all tied up.

by buddah | Monday 23 November 2015 9:08pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Subliminal

Today's subliminal thought is: .

by buddah | Monday 23 November 2015 9:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Choose

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

by buddah | Monday 23 November 2015 9:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Favorite

My favorite animal is steak.

by buddah | Monday 23 November 2015 9:06pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Clip-Clop

What goes "clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG?" An Amish drive-by shooting.

by buddah | Monday 23 November 2015 9:05pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cake

Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?

by buddah | Monday 23 November 2015 9:04pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Life

Life - it's nothing like the Brochure!

by buddah | Monday 23 November 2015 9:04pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Exercise

My idea of exercise, is a brisk sit.

by buddah | Monday 16 November 2015 8:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Difficult People

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

by buddah | Monday 16 November 2015 8:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My New Slogan

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro" - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

by buddah | Monday 16 November 2015 8:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Nicotine Patches

Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.

by buddah | Monday 16 November 2015 8:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Married Men

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

by buddah | Monday 16 November 2015 8:43am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Buying Furniture

I went to the furniture store and was browsing about for a while. A woman then came up and said, "What is it you are looking for?" I said, "One night stand." She called security.

by buddah | Monday 16 November 2015 8:42am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Psychics

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

by buddah | Monday 9 November 2015 4:34pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pavlov Institute

Sign at the Pavlov Institute: Knock. Please don't ring bell.

by buddah | Monday 9 November 2015 4:33pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mistakes

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

by buddah | Monday 9 November 2015 4:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Issues

I don't just have issues. I have a subscription.

by buddah | Monday 9 November 2015 4:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bacteria

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

by buddah | Monday 9 November 2015 4:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stitch in Time

A stitch in time saves nine what?

by buddah | Tuesday 3 November 2015 7:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Violin

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a violin."

"No wonder you're so high-strung."

by buddah | Tuesday 3 November 2015 7:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Plan A

If Plan A doesn't work, don't sweat it. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

by buddah | Tuesday 3 November 2015 7:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Money

Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

by buddah | Tuesday 3 November 2015 7:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Milk

I was wondering what was the person who discovered milk, was really doing to that cow in the first place?

by buddah | Tuesday 3 November 2015 7:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Yawning

Yawning was originally meant for when you need to yell in a library.

by buddah | Tuesday 3 November 2015 7:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hugs

Some people just need a hug ...around the neck ...with a rope.

by buddah | Tuesday 3 November 2015 7:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Running from Problems

You should never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is, like, you're being chased by a bear.

by buddah | Saturday 24 October 2015 6:19pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Marriage

Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

by buddah | Saturday 24 October 2015 6:19pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dorothy in Oz

Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?

She had three men giving her directions.

by buddah | Saturday 24 October 2015 6:19pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gravity

I don't trip over things...I do random gravity checks.

by buddah | Saturday 24 October 2015 6:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Missing

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper, for example.

by buddah | Saturday 24 October 2015 6:17pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Flu Shot

I was planning to get a flu shot until I found out it isn't a kind of drink.

by buddah | Saturday 24 October 2015 6:16pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Boss

Boss spelled backwards is double S.O.B.
Tell your boss what you really think of him, and the truth shall set you free.

by buddah | Monday 19 October 2015 12:03pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Friend Herbert

My friend Herbert sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

by buddah | Friday 16 October 2015 8:44pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

1 in 5 People

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

by buddah | Friday 16 October 2015 8:42pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Grandmother

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

by buddah | Friday 16 October 2015 8:41pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

God Sneezed

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

by buddah | Friday 16 October 2015 8:40pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

No Facebook or Twitter

I have a friend who doesn't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so he just goes around announcing out loud what he's doing at random times... He's got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

by buddah | Monday 12 October 2015 9:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Concise

Can anyone tell me what concise means? Please be short, brief and to the point.

by buddah | Monday 12 October 2015 9:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Joke

World's shortest joke: two women were sitting quietly.

by buddah | Monday 12 October 2015 9:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Parachute

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a parachute.

"Come back tomorrow, I have no openings today."

by buddah | Monday 12 October 2015 9:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Smoke Detector

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a smoke detector."

"Don't worry. There's no cause for alarm."

by buddah | Monday 12 October 2015 9:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wet Dream

I had a wet dream. I fell asleep in the bathtub.

by buddah | Monday 12 October 2015 9:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Goldfish

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for 20 seconds.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 October 2015 8:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Piano

I can play piano with my eyes closed. It sounds really awful though

by buddah | Tuesday 6 October 2015 8:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dr. Pepper

Dr. Pepper Doesn't have a PhD. Doesn't taste like pepper. LIES! ALL LIES!

by buddah | Tuesday 6 October 2015 8:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

No Sleep

My wife said she had no sleep last night because my snoring was waking her up. If my snoring was waking her up, then she obviously had some sleep.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 October 2015 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bad Job Interview

At my last job interview, I told my interviewer that I plan to give 110 percent. Unfortunately, I was applying to be a statistician.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 October 2015 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Drunk

Last night, I was so drunk that when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bar, I won the dance competition.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 October 2015 8:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

If

My co-worker just told me, "If the boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company."

"What did he say?"

"You're fired."

by buddah | Tuesday 6 October 2015 8:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Talking Parrot

I had a parrot, and it talked, but it did not say, "I'm hungry", so it died.

by buddah | Monday 28 September 2015 9:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Paranoid Retriever

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

by buddah | Monday 28 September 2015 9:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Memory

I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

by buddah | Monday 28 September 2015 9:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pope Francis

Pope Francis is going to speak about about climate change at the United Nations today. He said it's a problem that "can no longer be left to a future generation." Global warming is a very important issue for the Pope because as you know he has to wear a floor-length, long-sleeved gown to work every day and it's hot.

by buddah | Monday 28 September 2015 9:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Italian Restaurant

I went to an Italian restaurant, and they had spaghetti on the menu. So I had to call the waiter to wipe it off.

by buddah | Monday 28 September 2015 8:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cashiers

Cashiers are always checking me out.

by buddah | Monday 28 September 2015 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Senility Prayer

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

by buddah | Tuesday 22 September 2015 8:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Doctor's Advice

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

by buddah | Tuesday 22 September 2015 8:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Second Date

Last night, I said to my new girlfriend, "I know this is only our second date, and this may be going a little fast, but I would like permission to change the name of your cat."

by buddah | Tuesday 22 September 2015 8:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Beauty Shop

My girlfriend was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

by buddah | Tuesday 22 September 2015 8:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Restaurant

I ordered a meal completely in French. Even the waiter was amazed. It was a Chinese restaurant.

by buddah | Tuesday 22 September 2015 8:47am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

MapQuest

MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

by buddah | Thursday 17 September 2015 9:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Changing my Name

I always wanted to see my name up in lights, so I changed my name to Exit.

by buddah | Thursday 17 September 2015 9:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Donald Trump

Donald Trump has proposed that the Federal government slash half the alphabet over the next four years.

"The days of living huge with a 26-letter alphabet are over," Trump said. "As anyone who watches 'Wheel of Fortune' knows, vowels are not free."

Trump said that there would be tremendous cost savings with a thirteen-letter alphabet, or "afbat," as he called it.

"With fewer letters, we would have fewer books, fewer schools, and lower taxes," he said. "Although we will have no taxes at all once we eliminate the letter x."

by buddah | Thursday 17 September 2015 9:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Instant Replay

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

by buddah | Thursday 17 September 2015 8:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Camping

I'm not the outdoor type - for me, camping is sleeping with the window open.

by buddah | Thursday 17 September 2015 8:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Sentences

The shortest sentence in the English language is, "I am."
The longest sentence is, "I do."

by buddah | Thursday 17 September 2015 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Exercise

When my doctor asked if I do any exercise, I said, "Does ripping off the filters of my cigarettes count?"

by buddah | Thursday 10 September 2015 9:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gullible

If you say the word gullible really slowly, it sounds like oranges.

by buddah | Thursday 10 September 2015 8:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Man From North Carolina

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?"

The bartender says, "Yale."

The North Carolinian says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

by buddah | Thursday 10 September 2015 8:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hard Work

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

by buddah | Thursday 10 September 2015 8:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gargling

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

by buddah | Thursday 10 September 2015 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Happy

If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.

by buddah | Thursday 10 September 2015 8:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Forgive and Forget

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

by buddah | Friday 4 September 2015 2:05pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Money

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

by buddah | Friday 4 September 2015 2:05pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Be Alert

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

by buddah | Friday 4 September 2015 2:04pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Laurel and Hardy

Oliver Hardy: "'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?"
Stan Laurel: "Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?"
Oliver: "Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?"
Stanley: "No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck."
Oliver: "Was he building a house?"
Stanley: "No, they were hanging him."

by buddah | Tuesday 1 September 2015 6:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Self Checkouts

Some stores call them "self checkouts." Some people call them "I'm not paying for some of this."

by buddah | Tuesday 1 September 2015 6:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Good Mind

A short neck denotes a good mind...the messages go quicker to the brain.

by buddah | Tuesday 1 September 2015 6:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty also had a great summer!

by buddah | Thursday 27 August 2015 9:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Map

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

by buddah | Thursday 27 August 2015 9:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Marriage Advice

Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.

by buddah | Thursday 27 August 2015 9:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

NASA Job

I've had my application rejected for a job with NASA. There was no space for me.

by buddah | Sunday 23 August 2015 12:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Arguing with the wife

Seeing my wife and I argue is like watching your favorite band in concert. First we go through some new material, then we start rolling out our greatest hits, like the grudge I've held against her since 2005.

by buddah | Sunday 23 August 2015 12:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Chris Christie

Chris Christie is so fat he could sell shade.

by buddah | Sunday 23 August 2015 12:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mayberry

It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet...

....nobody was married.

Here are the single people that come to mind: Andy, Barney, Aunt Bea, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, just to name a few.

In fact, the only one married was Otis...

....and he stayed drunk.

by buddah | Sunday 23 August 2015 12:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Men and Cooking

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

by buddah | Sunday 23 August 2015 12:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Discounts

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

by buddah | Sunday 23 August 2015 12:21pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

WILLIE NELSON

Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again."

by buddah | Saturday 15 August 2015 9:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

YOUR OPINION

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

by buddah | Saturday 15 August 2015 9:21pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Vegetarians

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

by buddah | Saturday 15 August 2015 9:20pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

OLD

I'm old. There's a nap for that.

by buddah | Saturday 15 August 2015 9:19pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Question

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ship-ment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

by buddah | Tuesday 11 August 2015 9:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Online Dating

By and large, the women involved in online dating are bi, and large.

by buddah | Tuesday 11 August 2015 9:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Antiques Roadshow

I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?"

"Sticks?" I presume.

by buddah | Tuesday 11 August 2015 9:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Laser Eye Surgery

Laser eye surgery, what a waste of money. Two weeks and not a single laser fired from either of my eyes.

by buddah | Saturday 8 August 2015 11:30pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Basket

They say you should never put all your eggs in one basket.

Nice try, basket industry.

by buddah | Saturday 8 August 2015 11:30pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Police Call

A police officer called the police station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

by buddah | Saturday 8 August 2015 11:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stolen Coffee Cup

Someone stole my coffee cup from work on Friday. Just heading down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

by buddah | Saturday 8 August 2015 11:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Chess Playing Cat

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat.

She says to the man "I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!"

The man replied, "Nah lady, this cat's not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1."

by buddah | Thursday 6 August 2015 7:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Slow

I saw a sign saying "Slow men working" and realized that the "Slow children playing" did get jobs when they grew up.

by buddah | Wednesday 5 August 2015 7:26pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

If You Can't Beat them...

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them." I say, "If you can't beat them, beat them," because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

by buddah | Tuesday 4 August 2015 8:16pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Medical Advances

For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 9:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

I'm Not Racist

I'm not racist. My shadow is black.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 9:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Motto

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 9:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Plastic Surgery

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 9:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stress

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 8:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bald Man

I saw a man yesterday who was so bald that I could see what he was thinking

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 8:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Common Core Math

Common Core math: 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 8:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

How Old Are You?

You are so old, when you were a kid, rainbows were black and white.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Garage Sale

A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Consciousness

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Exorcist

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 8:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Start the Car

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 8:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Landlord

I'm fed up with my landlord. He's always walking about like he owns the place.

by buddah | Sunday 3 May 2015 8:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Co-Pilot

If God is your co-pilot, swap seats.

by buddah | Monday 20 April 2015 9:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hangman

A hangman will always keep you in the loop.

by buddah | Monday 20 April 2015 9:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Funny Doctor

I saw a doctor today with a great sense of humor. He left me in stitches.

by buddah | Monday 20 April 2015 9:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cigarettes

I once was attacked by a pack of cigarettes, and I've got the cigars to prove it.

by buddah | Monday 20 April 2015 9:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Litter Removal Job

I got a job as a litter removal man. I didn't have any training, just thought I'd pick it up as I go along.

by buddah | Monday 20 April 2015 9:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Librarian

I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon, but she said she was all booked up.

by buddah | Monday 20 April 2015 9:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Investing Money

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

by buddah | Monday 20 April 2015 9:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Ultimate Cause

Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.

by buddah | Monday 13 April 2015 8:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mythical Creature

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

by buddah | Monday 13 April 2015 8:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Democracy

Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

by buddah | Monday 13 April 2015 8:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Crazy

I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.

by buddah | Monday 13 April 2015 8:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

At the Mall

How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

by buddah | Monday 13 April 2015 8:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Beer Gut

I don't have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

by buddah | Monday 13 April 2015 8:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Car

I bought my wife a new car.

She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor."

I said, "Where's the car?"

She said, "In the lake."

by buddah | Monday 13 April 2015 8:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Learning to Drive

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

by buddah | Monday 6 April 2015 8:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Who to Notify

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

by buddah | Monday 6 April 2015 8:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Margarine

If we get rid of all the margarine, the world will be a butter place.

by buddah | Monday 6 April 2015 8:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

April Fool

Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. So it's like any other day.

by buddah | Tuesday 31 March 2015 7:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Old

How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

by buddah | Tuesday 31 March 2015 7:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

15 Bottles of Wine

A man enters a store and says: "15 bottles of wine please."
"Did you bring a container for this?"
"You're speaking to it."

by buddah | Tuesday 31 March 2015 7:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Men and Bonds

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

by buddah | Tuesday 31 March 2015 7:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Real Men

If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen.

by buddah | Thursday 26 March 2015 7:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Finger

If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

by buddah | Thursday 26 March 2015 7:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Snoring

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

by buddah | Thursday 26 March 2015 7:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Morning Person

I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.

by buddah | Thursday 26 March 2015 7:06am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Abortion

I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.

by buddah | Thursday 26 March 2015 7:05am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lazy

I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.

by buddah | Thursday 26 March 2015 7:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stupid Basketball

My wife: "Another basketball game! Why do you watch so much basketball? It's stupid!"
Me: "It is not stupid."
My wife: "Oh, yeah, how many teams are in the Big Ten Conference?"
Me: "Fourteen."
My wife: "I rest my case!"

by buddah | Thursday 26 March 2015 7:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Money

I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.

by buddah | Thursday 26 March 2015 7:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Outvoted

Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

by buddah | Thursday 26 March 2015 7:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Long, Long Ago

One day long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or gripe.
But that was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Key to Success

Whenever I find the key to success, they have changed the lock.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:13am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Talking to Kids

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:13am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Negative

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

In The Mood

If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Red, White, and Blue

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Job Interview

I've got a job interview next week with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Top of the World

One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hip

I'm so hip that old ladies are trying to replace me.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 March 2015 9:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Pyromaniac

Did you hear about the lonely pyromaniac who was looking for the perfect match?

by buddah | Sunday 8 March 2015 11:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Butcher

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work?

by buddah | Sunday 8 March 2015 11:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Adults

Adults are just kids with money.

by buddah | Sunday 8 March 2015 11:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Marriage

A man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

by buddah | Sunday 8 March 2015 11:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Watch Your Drinking!

My doctor warned me that I have to watch my drinking, so I'm trying to find a bar with a mirror.

by buddah | Sunday 8 March 2015 11:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Shoe Salesman

I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.

by buddah | Monday 2 March 2015 8:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Boss or Leader

What's the difference between a boss and a leader?

A boss says, "Go!" and a leader says, "Let's go!"

by buddah | Monday 2 March 2015 8:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Workout Philosophy

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

by buddah | Monday 2 March 2015 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Braille Dictionary

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

by buddah | Monday 2 March 2015 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

911 Emergency

I dialed 911 the other day and said, ""Two girls are fighting over me."

"OK," the dispatcher paused, " "Well, what's the problem?"

"The fat one's winning."

by buddah | Monday 2 March 2015 8:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Falling in Love

I've fallen in love with a another ventriloquist's doll, but she's already spoken for.

by buddah | Monday 2 March 2015 8:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Action

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

by buddah | Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Parrot

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on. I hate my life."

My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

by buddah | Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:13am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Nostalgia

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

by buddah | Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:13am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Court

A man goes to court for beating his wife...............

Judge asks, "Why do you keep beating her?"

The defendant replies: "I think it's my weight advantage, hand speed, longer reach, and superior footwork."

by buddah | Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Urine Test

I took a urine test at the hospital today. This kleptomania's getting out of hand

by buddah | Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gay Computer

The world's first "gay" computer game has been released. It came out on Wednesday.

by buddah | Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

State Slogan Change

They've changed the state slogan of Illinois from "Land of Lincoln" to "Land a’ Stinkin'."

by buddah | Tuesday 24 February 2015 9:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Temporary Work

I was thinking of becoming a suicide bomber, but they only did temp work.

by buddah | Wednesday 18 February 2015 8:00pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Marx

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

by buddah | Wednesday 18 February 2015 7:59pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Arresting a Mime


If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

by buddah | Wednesday 18 February 2015 7:59pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Monopoly

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

by buddah | Wednesday 18 February 2015 7:58pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Reincarnation

I hear that reincarnation is making a comeback.

by buddah | Wednesday 18 February 2015 7:58pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

I Can't Stand

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

by buddah | Thursday 12 February 2015 7:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Looking

I was in a car showroom today and the salesman asked, "What are you looking for?"

I said, "Because I can't afford to buy."

by buddah | Thursday 12 February 2015 7:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Suspect

A suspect was charged with killing a man with sandpaper. He said, "To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit".

by buddah | Thursday 12 February 2015 7:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Good Reception

When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.

by buddah | Thursday 12 February 2015 7:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

I Before E

"I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.

by buddah | Sunday 8 February 2015 2:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Car Horn

I changed my car horn to gun shot sounds...People move out of the way much faster now.

by buddah | Sunday 8 February 2015 2:26pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

At The Drugstore

While at the Drugstore, they told me I should stop taking vitamins.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because shoplifting is illegal," they said.

by buddah | Sunday 8 February 2015 2:26pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

How Cold is It?

It's so cold outside today that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

by buddah | Sunday 8 February 2015 2:25pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Poor

We were so poor when I was growing up that we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

by buddah | Sunday 8 February 2015 2:25pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Suit

I bought a suit made from a cactus, and I looked pretty sharp in it, too.

by buddah | Sunday 8 February 2015 2:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Where Are You?

A couple were out shopping, when suddenly the wife realized her husband is missing, so she phoned him asking, "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember the Jewelry shop with that diamond necklace you fell in love with, and I didn't have the money, but said, 'Honey, it'll be yours one day'?"

With a smile, she blushed, "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop."

by buddah | Monday 2 February 2015 6:36pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

10% Polish

If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

by buddah | Monday 2 February 2015 6:35pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New TV Series

I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hi-jacking. We just shot the pilot.

by buddah | Monday 2 February 2015 6:35pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, and half way through the guy on the triangle disappeared.

by buddah | Monday 2 February 2015 6:34pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Free Gift

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

by buddah | Monday 2 February 2015 6:33pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Doubling Your Money

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

by buddah | Monday 2 February 2015 6:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mail

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

by buddah | Monday 2 February 2015 6:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Amnesia

I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.

by buddah | Sunday 25 January 2015 11:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Vow

Ask me about my vow of silence.

by buddah | Sunday 25 January 2015 11:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gullible

They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

by buddah | Sunday 25 January 2015 11:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

by buddah | Sunday 25 January 2015 11:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Sign at Work

New sign at work today: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

by buddah | Sunday 25 January 2015 11:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Doctor and Patient

Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."
Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"

by buddah | Monday 19 January 2015 7:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stalking

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows.

by buddah | Monday 19 January 2015 7:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Arab Dairy Farmer

I've been working for an Arab dairy farmer, or Milk Sheikh as he prefers to be called.

by buddah | Monday 19 January 2015 7:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Velcro

When the shoe salesman offered me velcro shoes, I said, "Sure, why knot?"

by buddah | Monday 19 January 2015 7:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Sequel

A new sequel to The Exorcist is being filmed. In this version, a woman hires the Devil to get a Priest out of her son.

by buddah | Monday 19 January 2015 7:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

At the Movies

I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.

by buddah | Monday 19 January 2015 7:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Philosophy

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

by buddah | Monday 12 January 2015 7:39am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Music

I've spent all day searching for a U2 CD...
...but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

by buddah | Monday 12 January 2015 7:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Terrorism

My friend told me, "Don't tell me about terrorism. I was married for two years!"

by buddah | Monday 12 January 2015 7:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dining Out

I wanted to have dinner at a Native American themed restaurant, but I didn't have reservations.

by buddah | Monday 12 January 2015 7:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Multitasking

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

by buddah | Monday 12 January 2015 7:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Reflecting

In looking back over my entire life, I'm pretty sure now that I peaked in pre-school.

by buddah | Monday 12 January 2015 7:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Term Limits

Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms. One in office, and one in prison.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 January 2015 8:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Arrested for Stealing

A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons. Police held him for a while, then let him go.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 January 2015 8:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Teamwork

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 January 2015 8:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Emergency

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

by buddah | Tuesday 6 January 2015 8:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Affection

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 January 2015 8:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Winning the Lotto

The Lotto can change everything...
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
"I'd take half and leave you," she says.
"Great," he says. "I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch!"

by buddah | Tuesday 6 January 2015 8:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Exercise Program

My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. Today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 January 2015 8:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Awesome Year

This year is going to be awesome! All of my friends have birthdays!

by buddah | Tuesday 6 January 2015 8:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Deaf People

Can deaf people tell the difference between a yawn and a scream?

by buddah | Monday 29 December 2014 8:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Every Life Important

No life is totally wasted; one can always be a bad example.

by buddah | Monday 29 December 2014 8:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Teacher's Pet

I was the teacher's pet when I was at school.
She couldn't afford a dog.

by buddah | Monday 29 December 2014 8:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Santa's Good Idea

Santa has the right idea. Visit people just once a year.

by buddah | Monday 29 December 2014 8:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Give Santa a Break!

Be naughty next year, and save Santa a trip.

by buddah | Wednesday 24 December 2014 1:20pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pickpocket

I've just heard a limbo dancer's been pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

by buddah | Wednesday 24 December 2014 1:19pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Living on Earth

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

by buddah | Wednesday 24 December 2014 1:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cheap Talk

Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

by buddah | Wednesday 24 December 2014 1:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Invisible Marriage

The invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:46pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fat

I am not fat; I am calorically gifted!

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:46pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

War

War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography.

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:46pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Driving

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:45pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

College

There is a time and a place for everything, and it's called college.

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:45pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

For Sale

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:45pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Bishop

The "bishop" came to my church today... That guy was an imposter; he never once moved diagonally.

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:44pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Telling Time

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:44pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Chemicals

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:44pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Grounded

I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

by buddah | Saturday 20 December 2014 5:43pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mistletoe

If you're at the airport and see mistletoe above the conveyor belt... you can kiss your luggage goodbye!

by buddah | Tuesday 9 December 2014 6:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Silent Men

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

by buddah | Tuesday 9 December 2014 6:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Time Out

If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.

by buddah | Tuesday 9 December 2014 6:47am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Not Angry

My dad wants to show he's not mad by taking you out hunting with him.

by buddah | Tuesday 9 December 2014 6:47am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Writing a Novel

I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

by buddah | Thursday 4 December 2014 9:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Question

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an agnostic?
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

by buddah | Thursday 4 December 2014 9:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Teeth

Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a daunting task. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.

by buddah | Thursday 4 December 2014 9:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Grandmother

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

by buddah | Thursday 4 December 2014 9:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Visit to My Doctor

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

by buddah | Thursday 4 December 2014 9:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Financial Advice

I dialed one of those 900 numbers to get some financial advice. They advised me not to dial 900 numbers.

by buddah | Thursday 4 December 2014 9:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Turkeys

I feel so bad about what they do to turkeys. That's why yesterday my family and I ate a live bird.

by buddah | Friday 28 November 2014 8:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cooking for Thankgiving

Thanksgiving dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

by buddah | Friday 28 November 2014 8:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Restaurant

A restaurant is the only place where people are happy when they're fed up.

by buddah | Friday 28 November 2014 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lucky Number

Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.

by buddah | Friday 28 November 2014 8:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Objectivity

I'm objective; I object to everything.

by buddah | Monday 24 November 2014 1:14pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Late Payment

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

by buddah | Monday 24 November 2014 1:14pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Neighbor

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

by buddah | Monday 24 November 2014 1:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Friends

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary, and they would only play with each other.

by buddah | Monday 24 November 2014 1:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

How Chicago Got Started

How did Chicago get started? A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."

by buddah | Monday 24 November 2014 1:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Boy Scout

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

by buddah | Monday 24 November 2014 1:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Federal Government

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

by buddah | Monday 24 November 2014 1:11pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hummingbirds

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the words.

by buddah | Monday 27 October 2014 5:08pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

American Dream

I was brought up to believe I could be anybody I wanted to be......Turns out the police call that identity theft!

by buddah | Monday 27 October 2014 5:08pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Job

I've started working for a bicycle wheel making company.
I'm the spokesman.

by buddah | Monday 27 October 2014 5:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Booked a Flight

I just got a fright from a chinese travel agent.

by buddah | Monday 27 October 2014 5:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gang Sign

I just threw up a gang sign, which is weird, because I don't remember eating one.

by buddah | Monday 27 October 2014 5:06pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Zero

To the guy who invented Zero:
Thanks for nothing!

by buddah | Monday 27 October 2014 5:06pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fired From My Job

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

by buddah | Monday 27 October 2014 5:05pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Thieves

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

by buddah | Monday 27 October 2014 5:05pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Great Depression

Why didn't anyone take antidepressants to prevent the great depression?

by buddah | Saturday 18 October 2014 6:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Voices

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

by buddah | Saturday 18 October 2014 6:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Rehab

Rehab is for quitters

by buddah | Saturday 18 October 2014 6:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

God is Crying

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."

by buddah | Saturday 18 October 2014 6:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Monday

Monday is the root of all evil.

by buddah | Monday 13 October 2014 6:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Coming Your Way

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

by buddah | Monday 13 October 2014 6:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Abbreviation

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

by buddah | Monday 13 October 2014 6:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Good Ole Boys and Rednecks

What's the difference between a good ole boy and a redneck?
The good ole boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

by buddah | Monday 13 October 2014 6:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Growing Up

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

by buddah | Monday 13 October 2014 6:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trouble

Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.

by buddah | Tuesday 7 October 2014 7:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fortune Teller

I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, "Your future looks pretty black." I said, "Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!"

by buddah | Tuesday 7 October 2014 7:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Ugly

You were so ugly when you were a baby...your mother used to feed you with a sling shot!

by buddah | Tuesday 7 October 2014 7:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Facts

Statistically speaking, six out of seven Dwarves are not Happy.

by buddah | Tuesday 7 October 2014 7:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lifeguard and the Hippie

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

by buddah | Tuesday 30 September 2014 9:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stupidity

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

by buddah | Tuesday 30 September 2014 9:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

BOSS

BOSS spelled backwards is Double S.O.B.

by buddah | Tuesday 30 September 2014 9:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Handle on Life

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

by buddah | Tuesday 30 September 2014 9:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Understanding Women

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

by buddah | Tuesday 30 September 2014 9:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

An American

An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.

by buddah | Saturday 27 September 2014 5:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Blind Dates

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

by buddah | Saturday 27 September 2014 5:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dwarfs and Midgets

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

by buddah | Saturday 27 September 2014 5:28pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Understanding Women

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

by buddah | Saturday 27 September 2014 5:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cannibal's Promise

If a cannibal says he's got your back, would you feel reassured?

by buddah | Tuesday 23 September 2014 8:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Workshop Marriage

Our marriage is like a workshop. I work and my wife shops.

by buddah | Tuesday 23 September 2014 8:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Age Appropriate

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?

by buddah | Tuesday 23 September 2014 8:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Visit with the Shrink


Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

by buddah | Tuesday 23 September 2014 8:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Daughter

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry and donate them to charity. Sell my car, take my front door key, and throw me out of the house".

Well, she didn't exactly put it like that.

Actually she said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

by buddah | Friday 19 September 2014 8:03am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Come Forth

And the Lord said unto John: "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

by buddah | Friday 19 September 2014 8:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Trendy

A black guy came up to me at work earlier and said my coat was off the hook. I felt rather trendy till I realized it had just fallen on the floor.

by buddah | Friday 19 September 2014 8:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Recipes

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

by buddah | Friday 19 September 2014 8:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Animals

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

by buddah | Monday 15 September 2014 7:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Success

If your aim in life is to be unsuccessful and you are unsuccessful...... doesn't that make you successful?

by buddah | Monday 15 September 2014 7:59am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Women, Men, and Cats

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

by buddah | Monday 15 September 2014 7:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Apologies

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing...except when you're at a funeral.

by buddah | Friday 12 September 2014 6:08pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Local Girl

I used go out with an anesthetist... she was a local girl.

by buddah | Friday 12 September 2014 6:08pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Terrorism

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

by buddah | Wednesday 10 September 2014 6:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Psychiatrist

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

by buddah | Wednesday 10 September 2014 6:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Alcohol

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.

by buddah | Wednesday 10 September 2014 6:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Time Travel

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

by buddah | Wednesday 10 September 2014 6:22pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bankruptcy Lawyers

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

by buddah | Wednesday 10 September 2014 6:21pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hard Work

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

by buddah | Friday 5 September 2014 6:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Things Going Well?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

by buddah | Friday 5 September 2014 6:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Following in Father's Footsteps

I always wanted to follow in my fathers footsteps, until he died in quicksand.

by buddah | Friday 5 September 2014 6:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Celebrity

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

by buddah | Monday 1 September 2014 7:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Room

My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display

by buddah | Monday 1 September 2014 7:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Mechanic

My mechanic couldn't repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder.

by buddah | Monday 1 September 2014 7:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bridge Club

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

by buddah | Monday 1 September 2014 7:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Blood Type

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

by buddah | Monday 1 September 2014 7:53am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Ex-Wife

My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 August 2014 6:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Hometown

My hometown is so tough, gun shops have "Back to School" sales.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 August 2014 6:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Drug Dealer

I was just talking to my drug dealer; he really cracks me up.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 August 2014 6:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Upbringing

I never had a strong Catholic upbringing...it may have something to do with the fact that my parents are Jewish.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 August 2014 6:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Success

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 August 2014 6:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Be Somebody

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 August 2014 6:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stockholm Syndrome Book

I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome last night - I hated it at first, but by the end I really loved it.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 August 2014 6:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Can of Soda

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

by buddah | Monday 18 August 2014 12:36pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bakery Fire

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

by buddah | Monday 18 August 2014 12:35pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Caw

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

by buddah | Monday 18 August 2014 12:34pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Compliment

I really don't get it, you give someone a compliment on their mustache and all of a sudden she doesn't want to be friends anymore

by buddah | Monday 18 August 2014 12:34pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Comeback

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

by buddah | Thursday 14 August 2014 7:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

To Err is Human

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

by buddah | Thursday 14 August 2014 7:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Sleeping

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

by buddah | Thursday 14 August 2014 7:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Teacher

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

by buddah | Monday 11 August 2014 7:43am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Broom

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

by buddah | Sunday 10 August 2014 2:57pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Acupuncture

Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.

by buddah | Sunday 10 August 2014 2:56pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hold the Door

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

by buddah | Sunday 10 August 2014 2:56pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Birthday Gift

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep.

by buddah | Thursday 7 August 2014 7:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

William in the Army

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase "fire at will."

by buddah | Thursday 7 August 2014 7:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Don't Talk to Strangers

My mother told me to never talk to strangers. Consequently, I have no friends.

by buddah | Monday 4 August 2014 7:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Kleptomania

I used to be a kleptomaniac but now when the urges get too strong, I take something for it.

by buddah | Monday 4 August 2014 7:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Two Heads

Two heads are better than one, unless you're a Siamese twin.

by buddah | Monday 4 August 2014 7:53am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Therapist

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that...

by buddah | Monday 4 August 2014 7:53am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Thinking

People are choosing cremations over traditional burials. They are thinking out of the box.

by buddah | Thursday 31 July 2014 8:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Daycare

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

by buddah | Thursday 31 July 2014 8:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Speed Bumps

I used to have a fear of speed bumps, but I got over it.

by buddah | Monday 28 July 2014 5:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Alcohol

I say no to alcohol; it just doesn't listen.

by buddah | Sunday 27 July 2014 8:05am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Drunk

Drunk guy walks out of a bar; he sees a nun and punches her in the face. He says "Not so tough tonight are you, Batman!"

by buddah | Saturday 26 July 2014 7:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Book Review

I was reading "The History of Glue" - I couldn't put it down.

by buddah | Friday 25 July 2014 5:19pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Dream

I had a dream I was Chinese but, when I woke up, I was disoriented.

by buddah | Thursday 24 July 2014 7:26am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Construction Site Thief

I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

by buddah | Wednesday 23 July 2014 7:51pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Jay-Z and Beyonce

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.

by buddah | Wednesday 23 July 2014 7:50pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Court Hearing

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

by buddah | Wednesday 23 July 2014 7:49pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Green Grass

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but the water bill is higher.

by buddah | Wednesday 23 July 2014 7:48pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Work

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

by buddah | Wednesday 23 July 2014 7:48pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Hitchhiker

Never give the devil a ride, he will always want to drive.

by buddah | Friday 18 July 2014 8:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Plastic Surgery

Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich

by buddah | Friday 18 July 2014 8:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fighting Fire

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

by buddah | Friday 18 July 2014 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Key to Success

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

by buddah | Friday 18 July 2014 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Illusion of Life

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

by buddah | Friday 18 July 2014 8:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Marriage

Marriage is fine institution as long as you don't mind being institutionalized.

by buddah | Friday 18 July 2014 8:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Meeting

Today, I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

by buddah | Friday 18 July 2014 8:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Obama's Work Schedule

President Obama has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

by buddah | Friday 11 July 2014 8:18am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Sign

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

by buddah | Friday 11 July 2014 8:17am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Question

Do homeless people understand Knock-Knock Jokes?

by buddah | Friday 11 July 2014 8:17am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Law of Thirds

During the first third of life, everyone told you what to do. During the second third of your life, you told everyone else what to do. During the last third of your life, everyone's telling you what to do again. The good thing is you can't hear 'em, so you don't care

by buddah | Friday 11 July 2014 8:16am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Shooting a Mime

If you shoot a mime do you need a silencer?

by buddah | Monday 7 July 2014 11:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Suicide

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

by buddah | Monday 7 July 2014 11:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cats

Everyone loves cats, even the Pope... Yeah, he's a cat-o-holic.

by buddah | Monday 7 July 2014 11:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Farmer

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

by buddah | Monday 7 July 2014 11:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

An Ex-girlfriend

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.

by buddah | Monday 7 July 2014 11:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stalker?

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

by buddah | Monday 7 July 2014 11:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Last Job

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

by buddah | Sunday 29 June 2014 9:13am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

What's Up?

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

by buddah | Sunday 29 June 2014 9:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Giving and Receiving

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

by buddah | Sunday 29 June 2014 9:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dreams

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

by buddah | Thursday 26 June 2014 8:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Marriage

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

by buddah | Thursday 26 June 2014 8:43am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wine

I told my wife she should treat me like a fine wine... she locked me in a dark cellar.

by buddah | Monday 23 June 2014 5:25pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Money and Happiness

Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

by buddah | Monday 23 June 2014 5:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Birds

Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.

by buddah | Monday 23 June 2014 5:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

One of Those Days

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

by buddah | Monday 23 June 2014 5:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Grandma

My grandma has been walking 5 miles a day. It's been 3 months and I have no idea where the hell she is.

by buddah | Thursday 19 June 2014 7:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

An Apple a day

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.

by buddah | Thursday 19 June 2014 7:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Good Friend

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 June 2014 6:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

At the Bank

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 June 2014 6:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Best Medicine

Dad always said laughter was the best medicine which is probably why several of us died from tuberculosis.

by buddah | Tuesday 17 June 2014 6:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

From Indiana

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking:
Indiana = mafia.

by buddah | Thursday 12 June 2014 7:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stepladder

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

by buddah | Thursday 12 June 2014 7:46am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Ugly

You're so ugly, when you go into the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.

by buddah | Thursday 12 June 2014 7:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Latest Police Report

A van load of wigs were stolen yesterday. Police are combing the area looking for clues.

by buddah | Monday 9 June 2014 7:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dope

Grow your own dope...Plant A Politician!

by buddah | Monday 9 June 2014 7:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Obama's Latest Swap


On the heels of his widely-praised exchange of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl for five captured Taliban commanders, which Democratic strategists are comparing to trading General George Patton for five taxi drivers, President Obama went them one better and swapped all remaining Guantanamo detainees for a bag of magic beans.

In announcing the trade, Secretary of State John Kerry stated, "President Obama has unloaded hundreds of unskilled laborers and taxi drivers whom we already have enough of, and transported them from Gitmo to Afghanistan where they will be more likely to find jobs that fit their training and aspirations, like driving a cab, or follow their dream of being an artist or a poet."

"The magic beans he obtained from the Taliban in the trade will grow into large beanstalks which will pierce the cloud cover of Republican obstructionism surrounding the planet, and help alleviate climate change. It's a win-win," Kerry said.

"This is a big effing deal," said Vice President Joe Biden praising the trade. "For years the enemy has claimed our foreign policy was based on magical thinking. This swap is proof that we are guided by practicality and realism," Biden said, adding in passing that "someone's been eating [his] porridge."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid also made a supportive statement, noting that the giant beanstalks will help reduce the deficit: "We can send people to climb up the beanstalks and steal gold from the giant Koch Brothers, who have hidden it in a castle in the clouds so they wouldn't have to pay taxes on it. Fee, fi, fo, fum," stated Reid.

State Department's Senior Twitterer, Jen Psaki, preempted any hostile criticism by Tweeting that the idea of growing large beanstalks around the White House has nothing to do with making it difficult to see what's going on inside, nor is it an attempt to distract attention from alleged "scandals," such as, the VA and Benghazi. "If anything, President Obama does not give himself enough credit for all his accomplishments in the last five years. He doesn't need magic plants to hide his successes from the public," Psaki Tweeted.

UN Ambassador Susan Rice led the Administration's effort to sell the transaction to TV viewers, telling a Sunday cooking show that "magic beans can be served with honor and distinction, especially with a main dish of fowl, such as crow."

In a rare public statement, Mullah Omar, leader of the Taliban Taxi Drivers' Union, called the swap a "victory" for President Obama in his fight against climate change. "Allah willing, we will continue to aid Obama's jihad against non-believers in global warming."

"Since he's clean out of detainees, maybe Obama can trade more of our magic beans for something else he doesn't need, like spent plutonium, for example. Our mountain caves make excellent toxic waste repositories. Call me if you want to trade, Barack," stated Omar, holding his thumb and index finger out in the traditional "phone call" hand gesture.

by buddah | Friday 6 June 2014 12:54pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Work Ethic

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

by buddah | Thursday 5 June 2014 8:25am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Paranoid

I was walking past a construction site the other day and some guy called me a paranoid freak, in Morse code, with a hammer.

by buddah | Wednesday 4 June 2014 9:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Looking for a Job

Mirror inspector is a job I could really see myself doing.

by buddah | Wednesday 4 June 2014 9:17pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lazy?

I'm not lazy. I'm Cat-like.

by buddah | Monday 2 June 2014 9:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pedophiles

Say what you will about pedophiles but, at least they don't speed through school zones.

by buddah | Monday 2 June 2014 9:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Getting a Library Card in Chicago

I went to the Chicago library, and I wanted a library card. They said I had to prove I was a citizen of Chicago. So I shot them.

by buddah | Monday 2 June 2014 9:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Photons

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

by buddah | Thursday 29 May 2014 7:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Useless

You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit.

by buddah | Thursday 29 May 2014 7:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

I-Pad

I tried to log into my ipad, but it turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don't own an ipad. Also I'm out of bourbon.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 May 2014 7:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Living Together

I lived with a girl for a few weeks. It was nice until she found out I was there.

by buddah | Sunday 25 May 2014 4:17pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Aunt

My Aunt always said slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

by buddah | Saturday 24 May 2014 4:44pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Confession

A guy enters a Roman Catholic Church confessional booth in D.C.

He tells the Priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of a Democrat."

The Priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."

by buddah | Friday 23 May 2014 6:37pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Gay Midget

I know a midget that is gay. He just came out of the cabinet last week.

by buddah | Friday 23 May 2014 8:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wondering

I stayed up all night wondering why the sun rose. And then it dawned on me.

by buddah | Friday 23 May 2014 8:10am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Wino

I saw a wino eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

by buddah | Friday 23 May 2014 8:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Short Joke

I'd tell you my favorite joke about short people, but it'd probably go over your head.

by buddah | Friday 23 May 2014 8:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Still Looking


I've spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer...but no one will do it.

by buddah | Monday 19 May 2014 5:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My Brother's Hobby


My brother has a weird hobby. He collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic, doesn't it?

by buddah | Monday 19 May 2014 5:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

It's Cold


It was so cold today that I actually saw a gangbanger pull up his pants.

by buddah | Monday 19 May 2014 5:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Income Disparity


The other day I gave a homeless man a dollar. Then, I saw a homeless woman, and I gave her 78 cents.

by buddah | Thursday 15 May 2014 7:35am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Duck's Opinion


A duck's opinion of you is directly correlated to whether or not you have bread.

by buddah | Thursday 15 May 2014 7:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Sign Language


Learn sign language, it's very handy.

by buddah | Thursday 15 May 2014 7:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Art


Every time I did Art in school, some teacher would send it straight to the therapist.

by buddah | Monday 12 May 2014 1:31pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

"I" before "E"


"Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser." - Professor Irwin Corey

by buddah | Sunday 11 May 2014 7:31am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Directions to Heaven


A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"

by buddah | Sunday 4 May 2014 7:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Benefits of Gun Ownership


FUN FACT: If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription.

by buddah | Friday 2 May 2014 8:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Perspective


Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

by buddah | Friday 2 May 2014 8:13am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Jehovah's Witnesses Jokes


While traveling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them.

What do you get when you cross a devil worshipper with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who goes from door to door telling people to go to hell.

I could never be a Jehovah's Witness... I didn't see the accident. As far as I know, Jehovah didn't hit anybody.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Agnostic?
Someone who goes door to door for no apparent reason.

I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.

by buddah | Wednesday 9 April 2014 7:17pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Scared Dad


Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

by buddah | Monday 31 March 2014 8:28am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wisdom


When you're 20, you care what people are thinking about you.
When you're 40, you don't care what people are thinking about you.
When you're 60, you realize that people weren't thinking about you at all.

by buddah | Friday 21 March 2014 8:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Last Request

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said amongst the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes, sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

by buddah | Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Blind Date

An 85-year old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

by buddah | Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Magic Show

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theatre yelled out:

"Hey, how'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, madam," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, she yelled back, "OK, then... just tell my husband."

by buddah | Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:32am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Shit


Confucius say "Shit happens."
Buddha say "What is shit?"
Amish say "Shit good fertilizer."
Hindu say "Shit happened before."
Catholic say "Shit happens because you are bad."
Zoroaster say "Bad shit happens and good shit happens."
Atheist say "I don't believe this shit!"
Mohammad say "Shit is the will of Allah."
Satan say "!sneppah tihS"
Rabbi say "Why does shit always happen to US?"
Rastafarian say "Let's smoke this shit!"
Pagan say "Shit is part of nature."
Capitalist say "How much will this shit cost?"
Narcissist say "My shit don't stink."
Marx say "The workers take all the shit but they're gonna dish it back out again."
Communist say "It's everybody's shit."
Scientologist say "See "Dianetics", Page 197."
Agnostic say "What is this shit?"
Existentialist say "Shit doesn't happen. Shit is."
Nihilist say "Everything is shit."
Creationist say "The shit happened all at once."
Cargo Cult say "A plane will come and take the shit away."
Mormons say "Stockpile toilet paper."
Voodoo witch doctor say "Hey, that shit looks just like you!"
Darwin say "Shit evolves."
Radical Muslim say "When shit happens, blame Israel."
TV Evangelist say "Your shit will cost you."
When Jehovah's Witnesses knock everyone say "Oh, shit."
Mussolini say "Shit makes the trains run on time."
Twelve Step Program say "I am powerless to cut the shit."
Constipated man say "No shit."
Obama says, "If you like your shit, you can keep your shit."

by buddah | Friday 7 March 2014 6:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hunting Video


Hunting

by buddah | Tuesday 18 February 2014 7:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Testifying in Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

by buddah | Monday 10 February 2014 11:53am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Irish Joke


Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy says, "In the car."

Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

by buddah | Friday 24 January 2014 8:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

THREE MICE IN A BAR

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*uck the cat."

by buddah | Thursday 16 January 2014 8:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Morris Schwartz


Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie , I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza .." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center .." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? The asshole has a paper route!"

by buddah | Sunday 12 January 2014 9:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Today's Humor

1. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeno business.

6. What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.

20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!

21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he's only got his shelf to blame.

24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.

25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let's go play on our bikes.

27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

28. What's the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"

30. Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.

31. Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.

39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

44. Learn sign language, it's very handy.

45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes - we haven't gotten a gig yet.

46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.

47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.

48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.

49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

by buddah | Saturday 11 January 2014 12:03pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Advice for Women

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books .

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

by buddah | Thursday 9 January 2014 10:05am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

THE HAIRCUT

A man and a boy go into a barbershop.
After getting his haircut, the man says, "Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon."
When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, "When is your father coming back to pay?"
The boy says, "He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut."

by buddah | Saturday 4 January 2014 8:59pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

WORDS TO LIVE BY


Always give 100% in everything you do, except giving blood.

by buddah | Monday 30 December 2013 8:53am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

DATING


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

by buddah | Friday 27 December 2013 7:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Difference between a Neurotic and a Psychotic


The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

by buddah | Saturday 21 December 2013 1:38pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

DANGERS OF BEER DRINKING


Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones. Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer..

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

by buddah | Friday 13 December 2013 7:47am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Story of Jack Schitt

"Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the "Kneedeep Schitt Inn."

Jack Schitt married No Schitt and they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt."

by buddah | Thursday 12 December 2013 4:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

FUNERAL EXPENSES

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tell the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. "We simply can't take that risk".

by buddah | Tuesday 3 December 2013 8:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Woman Kills Three for Last XBox at Chicago Walmart

A woman was arrested today for stabbing to death three shoppers at a Chicago-area Wal-Mart in order to secure the store's last X-Box One.

Mary Robbins, a married mother of two, reportedly wrestled her competitors to the ground before fatally wounding them with a sharpened Phillips head screwdriver.

The victim's names have not yet been released, but are said to include a sociology student at Northwestern University, a chemistry teacher at at local high school and a young pregnant woman buying a system for her brother.

Robbins fled the scene and was apprehended at home hours later after police identified her license plates on the store's surveillance camera. Although many are shocked by the senseless violence, the alleged perpetrator is unrepentant.

"Of course I'd do it all over again," Robbins proclaimed from a Cook County jail cell. "My little Dustin is going to have an X-Box for Christmas this year. No one can take that away from him. Not even the police.

"Shopping isn't a hobby for me, it's a war. So I have to spend a little time behind bars. So what? I didn't punk out. I fought hard for my family, and I'm proud of that."

X-Box Dead

Today's incident of shopping violence comes on the heels of what experts are describing as the deadliest Black Friday weekend ever. All across the country people are dying at an increased pace. This year will drastically exceed last years death totals for this Holiday season.

"The figures we are looking at this Thanksgiving are incredible unnerving...and this data is just from Thursday night. We only use to have to worry about Friday," said FBI Specialist Harry Carry.

"We had six people trampled to death at the Best buy, four at the Bed Bath Beyond, and two fatal stabbings at Wal-Mart," said Miami police spokesman Sgt. James Loftus.

Inside a local Target, the crazed shoppers had lost what was rest of their minds. "We came outside and the Quiznos was burnt to the ground by angry shoppers. I think the Target had ran out of some kind of toaster," said a shopper who wished not to be named because she was supposed to be bailing out her boyfriend who had punched another shopper over a set of soup ladles.

A witness says an old lady beat a kid with her purse in order to get the last toothbrush holder.

"I don't even have real teeth anymore and have no need for such an item but it was over 35 percent off. I might be old but I'm not dumb, of course I will take advantage of that deal," says 88-year-old Margaret Robinson.

According to Wal-Mart, America's largest retailer, the company admits that more than 5,000 shoppers will be killed at their stores this holiday season.

"We include people killed from Thanksgiving to Christmas, so it's not like they are all dying in one day. Besides, more kids will die making this junk than they do buying it, we see that as a positive," Wal-Mart spokesman Charlie Hass said.

One shopper, Sami Zayn, described the day as "chaos" and went on to say, "Thanksgiving used to be about fighting with your family, not other shoppers."

by buddah | Sunday 1 December 2013 5:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Defense Attorney Cross-Examines the Cop


Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer, who responded to the alarm.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

by buddah | Friday 29 November 2013 5:16pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

REASONS WHY OBAMA IS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER

1) He's helping to repair America's strained relationship with Iran with diplomacy.
2) Parents all across the country can now point to Barack Obama's performance when they're explaining to their children why they shouldn't use drugs.
3) He won the Nobel Peace Prize. Hello!
4) Thanks to healthcare.gov, "New Coke" no longer has to bear the shame of being worst product roll-out in American history.
5) Because of Obama, 91 million people without jobs now have plenty of time to spend with family.
6) He extended childhood all the way up to 26 by allowing "children" to stay on their parents insurance until then.
7) He's kept goofy uncle Joe Biden from becoming President for five long years.
8) No President in American history has done more to further gun sales than Barack Obama.
9) Without Barack Obama, none of us would have ever heard the name Sandra Fluke and what a tragedy that would be!
10) He has already broken Bill Clinton's record for the most lies told in one presidency with three years left to go in office.
11) When the SEALS asked for permission to kill Bin Laden, he didn't insist that they merely give Osama a good talking to instead.
12) He has worked tirelessly to know the American people better through invasive TSA searches, reading their emails and listening in on their phone calls.
13) Obama's policies are so bad that even real racists have stopped hating him for being Black, and hate him for his failed policies.
14) Because of Obama's economic policies, more Americans than ever have gotten to experience the sweet, sweet joy of funemployment!
15) He's living proof that even a pothead who thinks there are 57 states can still live the American dream.

by buddah | Tuesday 26 November 2013 11:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wisdom of Ted Nugent


Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist who also happens to be an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress."

by buddah | Monday 25 November 2013 8:00am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Woman Shot in her own Driveway


Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making aloud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

by buddah | Saturday 23 November 2013 6:26pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

10 BEST THINGS ABOUT GETTING OLD


10. You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
8. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
7. You can watch the same movie multiple times and be surprised at the ending each time.
6. You can hear your favorite song on an elevator.
5. Monday through Friday you can do nothing and then on Saturday and
Sunday, you can rest.
4. You don't have to waste your time walking to the bathroom to take a leak
3. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
2. When you get a little action, that means your prune juice is working.
1. You are not dead.

by buddah | Saturday 16 November 2013 11:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Thanksgiving


Just think...

If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving.

by buddah | Tuesday 12 November 2013 8:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Convert


A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

by buddah | Friday 8 November 2013 8:04pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

My New Girlfriend


My new girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.

by buddah | Tuesday 5 November 2013 10:03am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Three Homeless Guys

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a hand job."

The man on the right says "Yeah. Me, too."

The man in the center says "Hmm, that's weird. I dreamed I was skiing."

by buddah | Friday 25 October 2013 6:47pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Insults You Can Use

She's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

She's a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

He's as sharp as a bowling ball.

He's all hat, and no cattle.

He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

She's so ugly, she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Does your face hurt, because it's killing me!

He's a couple of terrorists short of a Jihad.

You're so ugly, when you go into the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.

In a battle of wits she's unarmed.

The oven's on, but nothing's cooking.

He's a little too tall for his blood supply.

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

He's a few clowns short of a circus.

She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

She's a few Cokes short of a six-pack.

He's a few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but his hamster's dead.

She's one taco short of a combination plate.

She's a few feathers short of a whole duck.

He's all foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

She's as smart as bait.

He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

He forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

He's a prime candidate for natural deselection.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

by buddah | Tuesday 22 October 2013 12:14pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

CDO

I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!

by buddah | Tuesday 22 October 2013 9:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The New Political Correctness


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

by buddah | Wednesday 16 October 2013 9:55pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Fisherman


A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me;
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it
in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said, Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."


by buddah | Tuesday 15 October 2013 7:41am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Airplane Jokes


It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: "Would you like dinner?" "What are my choices?" asked the passenger. "Yes or No," replied the attendant.

The airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man "Would you like a drink?" "Why not?" he replied, "I'll have whatever the pilot's been having."

by buddah | Monday 14 October 2013 9:41am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The One Night Stand


A man is drinking at a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.

"Hello there, and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

At Stacey's house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles.

"Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more., "No, silly!"

"Then it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!"

"Then, who is it?"

Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"

by buddah | Sunday 6 October 2013 10:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Lie Detector


A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks the son what he did that afternoon. The son say, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son say, "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

by buddah | Friday 4 October 2013 6:35pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Interesting Observations

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to K MART)

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

by buddah | Friday 4 October 2013 8:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Obamacare Blues

OBAMACARE BLUES

(Sung to the tune of Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash)


I hear the train a-comin';
It's rollin' off the track;
'Cause once we get Obamacare,
There is no turnin' back.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

That train, it is a-wobblin';
Disaster soon awaits.
Americans - hang on real tight
Before you learn your fates.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

I lost my health insurance;
My job, I've also lost.
Obamacare changed all the rules
Which increased all the cost.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

"Big Brother" wants you to enroll -
'Exchange' plan - you must choose;
Deduct-ibles are all so high
No matter what, you lose.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

I saw a 'navigator'
The 'Marketplace', we viewed
But rationing was not discussed
It's ALL so mis-construed.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

The I.R.S. has seized all
Of my health his-to-ry
They do not have respect for
Confident-ial-ity.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

I called to see my doctor;
The explanation's odd:
They said, "He's not your doctor now,
You're in a different pod".

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

I have a next-door neighbor -
He thinks he broke his wrist.
He went to see the Doc and was
Put on a waiting list.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

A woman saw her husband as
The 'mower' slashed his toes;
She rushed him to the hospital
And found that it had closed.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

All the folks with Medicare
Will see it slowly end;
That bumpy train will come for you
When it rolls 'round the bend.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

The widow livin' all alone
Had pains inside her chest.
The busy clinic sent her home
And said, "Just get some rest".

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

Gramps needs an urgent surgery;
His age is eighty-five;
The "panel" said, "That's way too old!"
Now, he won't stay alive.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

The media made fun of
Sarah Palin and her fight.
She warned us of death panels;
Now, we know that she was right.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

I hear a baby cryin';
His mama said, "He's ill,
and I can't tell if he'll get well
Without a doctor's skill."

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

I saw the undertaker
A grin was on his face.
He had to get more room, 'cause
He was runnin' outta space.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

Our government has forced this,
But why can't we resist?
Well, get your dictionary out
And look up "COMMUNIST".

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

That train, it sounds its whistle
And sends a message clear:
"It's all about CONTROL, ya know;
Your freedom's lost, I fear."

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause NOTHIN'S EVER FREE.
You'll pay someday, and miss the way
Things used to - ought to - be.

(REFRAIN)
'Twas never meant for health care,
Don't matter who it screws;
It won't help any-body;
I've got Obama-care Blues.

by buddah | Thursday 3 October 2013 8:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Latest Blonde Joke

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!."

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

by buddah | Monday 30 September 2013 9:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Marine Woman Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Afghanistan, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Taliban fighters. She shot 15 of them until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher.

"What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

by buddah | Friday 27 September 2013 6:38pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Police Officer


A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."

The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

by buddah | Thursday 26 September 2013 10:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Job Interview


Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think"

by buddah | Tuesday 24 September 2013 9:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fractured Nursery Rhymes

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
Obama gave them Section Eight;
They still have no cash, but are livin' great!


Twinkle, twinkle, little car,
What a gas guz-zel-er you are!
Your days are few, your grave's been dug,
'Cause new cars will need an electric plug.


Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To find some food to eat.
A voice called, "Hey, Mama, it's your pal Obama!
These link cards just can't be beat!"


Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Eating a burger and fries.
Obama yelled, "Jack - enjoy that Big Mac,
'Cause my health care reform is all lies!"


There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
'Cause her home was foreclosed on, and dollars were few.
So since she had shelter laced over her head,
Barack just gave her a cellphone instead.


Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Preparing her res-u-me'.
She thought, "Oh, what the heck - the job market's a wreck;
Let Obama keep paying my way!

Little Bo Peep keeps counting her sheep
While tossing and turning in bed.
She thinks of her fears as "Obamacare" nears
And exclaims, "I'll be better off dead!"


Tom, Tom the pauper's son
Stole a gun and away he run!
Knowing crime laws don't work, and gun laws abound,
Tom will fill HIS new toy with one extra round!


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To attend the public schools.
Their teachers get paid - though they can't make the grade,
Leaving taxpayers feeling like fools.


Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
The Department of Ag made my life such a drag,
Now my garden's just grass that I mow.


Hey, Diddle Diddle, the Class in the Middle
Heard good times are soon on the way.
Now, they look in their purse and find times have got worse
'Cause their government still screws them each day!


Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O.
And on his farm he raised his crops,
E-I-E-I-O:
Soybeans, oats, and hay and corn,
Calves and chickens there were born.
Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O.
Old MacDonald died one day,
E-I-E-I-O.
So, now tax time was on its way,
E-I-E-I-O:
County, fed'ral, state, and death -
His land then drew ITS final breath.
Old MacDonald HAD a farm.
EEE! - I!- EEE! - I! - OOOOHH!!!


Little Boy Blue, quit blowing your horn,
You're just one of many who's mad and forlorn.
Those elitists in Washington have all the clout.
It's time that the people here run 'em all out!


The Farmer in the Dell
Was doing very well,
Then along came the EPA
And his business went to hell!

by buddah | Saturday 21 September 2013 5:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Jenny Craig for Men


I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

So I decide to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week.

Signed,
Skinny Hugo

by buddah | Wednesday 18 September 2013 1:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Coffee and a New Job


A guy goes into the Environmental Protection Agency to apply for a job.....

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that."

by buddah | Tuesday 10 September 2013 6:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Reactions to Syria


"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level."

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.

by buddah | Monday 2 September 2013 7:16pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Redneck

A Mexican (an undocumented Democrat), a Black (a documented Democrat), a Muslim, and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish a piece."

Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa."

"Poof!" It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peek ups to take all my peoples back to our homeland, May-he-co!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of rusty Chevrolet pickups appeared on the beach!

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach!

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Lite. It doesn't get any better than this!"

by buddah | Tuesday 27 August 2013 8:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said "‘No change yet."
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

by buddah | Monday 26 August 2013 11:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Defintions of Marriage


MARRIAGE, n.
[1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history;
[2] a word that should be pronounced as "mirage";
[3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;
[4] a very good way to promote civilization - if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates};
[5] a process much like a cafeteria - you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best - and pay later;
[6] an event which is called "tying the knot" - unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;
[7] a word which always means commitment - but so does insanity;
[8] a ceremony favored in England - it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;
[9] something that changes the demeanor of a driver - there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;
[10] the only permanent cure for love;
[11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile;
[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;
[13] something which is called a feast - unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course;
[14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;
[15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;
[16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction;
[17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;
[18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;
[19] a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part;
[20] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;
[21] in America, is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech;
[22] is made out of two toothbrushes but a single tube of toothpaste;
[23] is just a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering;
[24] the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred;
[25] a condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting;
[26] the ceremony which provides a man with something that, sooner or later, he will find he can't blame on the government;
[27] a tradition which would suffer considerably if men had to pay the minister the same fee they will eventually have to pay the divorce lawyer;
[28] is much like a pair of shears, so joined so the parts cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who tries to come between them;
[29] the continuous process of getting used to things you never expected;
[30] a status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure;
[31] is a book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the pages is prose;
[32] a bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain;
[33] in Japanese is called "Judo" - the art of conquering by yielding. This is the western equivalent of "Yes, dear";
[34] a confrontation which always demands the greatest understanding of the subtle art of insincerity possible between two human beings;
[35] is not a word, but a sentence;
[36] a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;
[37] an investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest.

by buddah | Monday 26 August 2013 8:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

MARRIAGE


1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas...

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

by buddah | Wednesday 21 August 2013 8:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Not Politically Correct

FOX NEWS BOWS TO WHITE HOUSE PRESSURE

Fox News is once again cowering to the President.
In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.


by buddah | Thursday 8 August 2013 9:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Lawyer


A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

by buddah | Tuesday 6 August 2013 8:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Bear Walks into a Bar...


A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"

The bear replies, "I'll have a gin," and after about a minute, "...and tonic."

The bartender says, "Sure, but what's with the pause?"

The bear says, "These? Had 'em my whole life."

by buddah | Wednesday 31 July 2013 8:57pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Doctor

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.

Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -"Hey, I'm just messinging with you, dude...You don't have to do all that stuff - she's dead!"

by buddah | Tuesday 23 July 2013 10:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Barocky Road

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road. Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $92.84 per scoop... out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge. You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.

by buddah | Friday 19 July 2013 8:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Old Rancher


A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on
the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's
the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

by buddah | Wednesday 17 July 2013 6:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Diapers

Does anyone know why baby diapers are called Luvs and Huggies while old people diapers are called Depends?

Because if a baby shits in their pants, you are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

If an old person shits in their pants, will they still be Luv'ed or Hugged? That "Depends" if you're in the Will or not.

by buddah | Friday 5 July 2013 7:49pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left after you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudge-sicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is...."Embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

by buddah | Friday 5 July 2013 6:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

High Urinals


A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

by buddah | Tuesday 18 June 2013 8:38pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

MARRIAGE QUOTES


"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman.

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." - Billy Connolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for:
1) everything I say, and
2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler." - Dakota Shepard.

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish dramatist and critic.

"For others who may not know this: when the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride', he's only speaking to the groom." - David Gunter.

"If you don't beat your wife every three days, she'll start tearing up roof tiles." - Chinese saying.

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same." - Oscar Wilde.

"Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose." - Beverley Nichols.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !"

"My husband and I married for better or worse - He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse."

"You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court."

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie (1891-1976), British detective-story writer.

"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry." - Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mothers-in-law."

by buddah | Tuesday 18 June 2013 10:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Drinking


My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
~Rodney Dangerfield

My dad was the town drunk.
Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?
~Henny Youngman

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
~W. C. Fields

by buddah | Monday 27 May 2013 7:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wife Speak

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure...go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset, you moron!

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute
The wife means: Take a nap

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate
The wife means: Just agree with me

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: (Too late, you're doomed)

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

by buddah | Thursday 23 May 2013 6:43pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Difference Between Republicans and Democrats


If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.

If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.


If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.

If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.


If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.

If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.


If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.

If a Democrat is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.


If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.

A Democrat demands that those they don't like be shut down.


If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.

A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.


If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.

If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

by buddah | Thursday 23 May 2013 9:15am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Crack


Crack - Don't do a drug named after a part of your ass

by buddah | Tuesday 21 May 2013 10:17am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Thought For The Day


Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

by buddah | Sunday 19 May 2013 7:43pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

How to Fail a Job Interview


See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; "'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that."

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, "Of course I was totally hammered at the time."

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask "Smell these, these smell funny to you?"

by buddah | Thursday 16 May 2013 8:18am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Actual Quotes from Performance Evaluations


Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

He has been working with glue too much.

He would argue with a signpost.

If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

by buddah | Friday 10 May 2013 6:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Woman's Mood


You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For instance, if they are holding a gun, she is probably angry.

by buddah | Thursday 9 May 2013 7:22am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Perfect Shot


A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed...

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break. You don't stand a snowballs chance of hitting her from here."

by buddah | Sunday 5 May 2013 5:11pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Report Card


Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

by buddah | Sunday 5 May 2013 5:09pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

One Liners

My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.

I was playing chess with another friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting". So we stopped playing chess.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist ... and worse, she can prove it.

Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair

by buddah | Tuesday 30 April 2013 10:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Random Thoughts

I tell people, "Yeah, I went to Harvard University." What I don't tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.

Same sex marriage isn't just for gays. When you're married, it's always the same sex.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I've never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don't work there, I tell them I'd like to. But not today, as I'm sick.

Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence.

I once took a vow of silence that lasted almost two years. Then, on my second birthday, I relented and started talking.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I'm also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

If I saw you hitchhiking, I'd smile and return your thumb's up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

by buddah | Monday 15 April 2013 8:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

CATHOLIC VOCABULARY

ALTAR BOY: Cheap date.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER:A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. Created by boiling the HELL out of it.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON:The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

by buddah | Monday 1 April 2013 11:15am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Dead Donkey

Barack Obama was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo. Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Obama says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check, you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says Obama.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My god, what happened to you?" asks Obama.

The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say to them?" asks Obama.

"I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm Barack Obama's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass'.

by buddah | Monday 25 March 2013 7:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Girl at the Bar

A man goes into the bar for a drink.

He sits next to a young lady, smiles and says "Hello".

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, good looking. I'm here to have some fun, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love to do it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding??... I'm in Congress too. What state do you represent?"

by buddah | Wednesday 20 March 2013 8:17pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

How the Pope is Selected


They release a young boy inside the locked Sistine chapel and the first cardinal to catch him becomes Pope.

by buddah | Friday 8 March 2013 9:30pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Why Athletes Don't Have Regular Jobs


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

__________________

by buddah | Tuesday 26 February 2013 7:30pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Little Political Humor

Obama was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, "$200."

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was, "$100."

He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees, then you can have it for free, like the immigrants."

by buddah | Tuesday 26 February 2013 9:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Fortune Cookie


You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

by buddah | Saturday 23 February 2013 6:49pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Parrot

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.

The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"

The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.

The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."

"What about the green one?" the man asks.

The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."

"What about the red one?" the man asks.

The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."

The man says, "What does HE do?"

The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."

by buddah | Friday 22 February 2013 10:20am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

One Liners

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

by buddah | Sunday 17 February 2013 8:02pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Headline of the Year

TRAGEDY: Groundhog Day's "Punxsutawney Phil" Sees Four More Years of Obama, Shoots Himself!

by buddah | Friday 8 February 2013 5:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bumper Sticker

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

by buddah | Thursday 7 February 2013 9:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Jesus and the Democrat

A Republican man in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Budweiser?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there? The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give him a cold beer. "On my tab," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt strength come back into his legs, got up, and walked out the door, thankful to Jesus. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and grateful to the Lord, he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and walked out the door. Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm collecting disability!"

by buddah | Thursday 31 January 2013 12:03pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Actual Signs

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.

At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store, and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?

At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.

Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello. May we pick your nose?

English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.

Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!

In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!

In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

In a cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.

In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.

In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is day care on the first floor.

In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.

In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!

In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church

On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard - bell out of order.)

On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission

On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.

On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.

On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card...

On another Butcher's window: Pleased to meat you.

On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.

On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy

Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.

Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.

Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.




by buddah | Tuesday 29 January 2013 5:32pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Truism


"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

by buddah | Saturday 26 January 2013 9:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Male Bashing Humor

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why are men like guns?
Keep one around long enough, and eventually you're going to want to shoot it.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the crap out of you.

by buddah | Tuesday 22 January 2013 10:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Don't ask children a question during your sermon

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

by buddah | Friday 18 January 2013 5:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Vasectomy

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.

The man obeys.

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

by buddah | Friday 11 January 2013 7:58pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Donations for Congress

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. or Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." the man said.

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

by buddah | Monday 31 December 2012 5:21pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting "Spit it out, ya bloody fly! Spit it out!"

by buddah | Monday 31 December 2012 5:06pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Three Sisters

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"

"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."

by buddah | Monday 24 December 2012 7:35pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Santa Claus is a Bad Role Model

1. He keeps a list. I have here in my hand a list... This is McCarthyesque and oppressive.

2. He's checking and rechecking the list. This is the stuff of obsessive compulsive disorder.

3. He's a grown man obsessing over whether children are naughty and nice. Obviously creepy. Also puritanical.

4. He watches children when they are sleeping. This condones the invasion of privacy (or worse).

5. He smokes. (This bad-example-setting has already come in for censorship.)

6. He wears fur.

7. He encourages materialism.

8. He takes credit for the work of others (deflecting appreciation that properly belongs to the parents).

9. He operates as an endorsement of a rigid class system by creating the impression that wealthy children are more deserving of gifts than the poor.

10. He breaks into houses at night.

11. He relies on sweatshop/slave labor.

12. He exploits animals.

by buddah | Monday 24 December 2012 10:09am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Police Recruit

The new police recruit was asked what he would do if he had to arrest his mother.
He answered, "Call for backup."

by buddah | Monday 24 December 2012 9:39am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

10 Things to Say to an Obama Voter Who Just Got Laid Off

1. "Hey, at least that successful Mormon businessman didn't win."

2. "Didn't your lady parts warn you this would happen?"

3. "Look at the bright side, gay marriage passed in four states."

4. "Hey, Big Bird still has a job. Isn't that the important thing?"

5. "I am sure Obama cares deeply about your situation. Maybe he'll send you a postcard from Hawaii."

6. "Well, look at the bright side, Rush Limbaugh is getting a massive tax increase."

7. "Hey! Now you'll have more time to play with your unicorn."

8. "Isn't it worth losing your job to know that religious organizations now have to pay for abortions and contraceptives?"

9. "Well, now you and Keith Olbermann have something else in common."

10. "Forward!"

by buddah | Monday 17 December 2012 7:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dumb Blond Jokes

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take
them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

by buddah | Saturday 24 November 2012 6:43pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Inner Peace

Friends & Family:

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot , a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz.
Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. Hop ewe hav a gooood dae....

by buddah | Wednesday 14 November 2012 5:24pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dating Ads for Seniors

These are actual ads in a Florida newspaper:

----------------------------------------------------
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

----------------------------------------------------

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
Together.

----------------------------------------------------

MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

by buddah | Friday 26 October 2012 7:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Visit to Sears

I was just about to enter Sears when as I approached the entrance I noticed a driver looking for an empty parking place. I looked at the driver and pointed out an empty handicap parking space that was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled and rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped."

Well, as you can imagine, I was very embarrassed and my face was red.

"Oh I'm so sorry," I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffered from a mental disorder."

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty obcenities at me.

Boy, some people just don't appreciate it when you are just trying to help them out.

by buddah | Friday 19 October 2012 7:57pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

"Grampa, what is couple sex?"

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steering himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

by buddah | Tuesday 16 October 2012 9:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New Warning Signs on Alcohol Bottles

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing with you.

by buddah | Sunday 7 October 2012 6:04pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Actual Police Comments

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster."

"How big were those "Just two beers' you said you had?"

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bond."

by buddah | Sunday 7 October 2012 5:54pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

At the Convent

The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."

by buddah | Friday 28 September 2012 8:11pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

High Gas Prices

I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

by buddah | Friday 28 September 2012 8:10pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Women's T Shirts

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
3. And your point is...
4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
5. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
9. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
12. I hate everybody, and you're next.
13. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
14. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
15. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

by buddah | Friday 28 September 2012 8:09pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Romney to Host DogTV Show

In keeping with this sage political advice, likely Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney, who once transported the family dog on the roof of his car, has agreed to appear on DogTV, the first cable television channel that delivers round-the-clock programming for dogs.

"Of course, Romney's not trying to appeal to the dogs," said political scientist and analyst Larry Sabato. "He's trying to reach dog owners who are watching TV with their pets."

DogTV, which premiered on San Diego cable systems in February, features short segments of video with appropriate sounds and frequencies that are scientifically designed to appeal to its audience. Programming includes images of running squirrels, bouncing balls, peaceful lakes, and other dogs.

Romney is expected to serve as the host of Doggie Horror Showcase, introducing videos of stray cats, vacuum cleaners, dump trucks, and other upsetting images.

"Even dogs like to be scared," DogTV spokesperson Valerie Tome said. "Mr. Romney will introduce the clips with some humorous remarks. The dogs won't understand any of it, but the humans should find it funny."

Mr. Tome said that DogTV reached out to the Romney campaign after Donald Rogers, the Chief Executive Office of Jasmine TV, DogTV's producer, noticed that whenever he watch the news and Mitt Romney appeared on the screen his Chocolate Lab, Horace, had a violent reaction.

"Just the sound of Romney's voice set him off," Mr. Rogers said. "That's when I realized we had a potential winner."

DogTV was pleasantly surprised when Mr. Romney agreed to host "Doggie Horror Showcase."

"His campaign probably believes it will show the human side of the candidate," Mr. Sabato explained. "It also says he's not afraid to laugh at himself. That said, I'm not sure you want to remind voters that you thought it was okay to drive hundreds of miles with your defecating dog on the roof of your car. I don't care that he was in a crate. Are you kidding me?"

Regardless of the candidate's motivation, DogTV officials are thrilled. "And I know Horace can't wait," Mr. Rogers said. "He loves a good bark as much as the next dog."

by buddah | Friday 21 September 2012 6:19pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Don't Get Caught Drinkin' and Drivin'

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of cold beers.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock. We're going to get busted for drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry,Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

by buddah | Thursday 20 September 2012 8:42am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Freedom

A man, upon his release from prison, runs out of the gates screaming, "I'M FREE! I'M FREE!"

A little girl standing nearby, looks at him and says, "I'm four."

by buddah | Thursday 20 September 2012 8:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

50th Anniversary

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister asked him, "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to bejing, China," the husband replied.

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you are going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to get her."

by buddah | Thursday 20 September 2012 8:29am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Little Political Humor

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." —Conan O'Brien

"Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's." –Jay Leno

by buddah | Tuesday 11 September 2012 8:16am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hayride Limericks

There was a young man on Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."

There was a young man from Bellaire
Who was screwing a girl on the stair.
But the bannister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

There was a queer from Rangoon,
Who took a lesbian up to his room.
He said, "Before it's dark and before we start,
To what, and with which, and to whom?"

There was once a man from Kent,
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
To save him the trouble,
He put it in double;
And instead of coming, he went.

There once was a hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, "I'll admit, I'm really a shit -
But look at the money I save!"

There once was a man named Dick,
Who was cursed from birth with a corkscrew prick.
He spent his life on a fruitless hunt
To find a girl with a spiral cunt.
And when he did, he nearly dropped dead -
The gosh damned thing had a left handed thread!

by buddah | Sunday 26 August 2012 5:29pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Abbott and Costello explain Obama's Accounting System.


COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

by buddah | Wednesday 22 August 2012 7:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte , N.C.

4:00 PM Opening Flag Burning Ceremony sponsored by CNN
4:05 PM Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM Pledge of Allegiance to Obama.
4:15 PM Ceremonial 'I hate America ' led by Michelle Obama.
4:30 PM Tips on "How to keep your man trustworthy & true to you while you travel the world" Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM Al Sharpton / Jesse Jackson seminar "How to have a successful career without having a job."
5:00 PM "Great Vacations I've Taken on the Taxpayer's Dime Travel Log" Michelle Obama.
5:30 PM Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite
5:45 PM Tribute to All 57 States Nancy Pelosi
6:00 PM – Sen. Harry Reid 90-minute speech expressing the Democrat's appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement, and George Soros for sparing no expense, for all that they have accomplished to unify the country, improve employment and to boost the economy.
8:30 PM Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM "Bias in Media How we can make it work for you" Tutorial sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times
9:15 PM Tribute Film to Brave Freedom Fighters incarcerated at GITMO Michael Moore
9:45 PM Personal Finance Seminar Charlie Rangel
10:00 PM Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible readers.
10:30 PM Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ , & Afghanistan
11:00 PM Obama Energy Plan Symposium / Tire Gauge Demonstration / You too can get rich with Green Investment bankruptcies
11:15 PM Free Gov. Blagovich rally
11:30 PM Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish Obama Presiding
12:00 AM Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher and Chris "He sends a thrill up my leg" Matthews
12:01 AM Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech

by buddah | Friday 10 August 2012 7:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Redneck's Last Words


"Hey, y'all - watch this!"

by buddah | Thursday 9 August 2012 4:36pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE



1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

by buddah | Thursday 26 July 2012 5:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cow Analogy Updated

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

by buddah | Sunday 15 July 2012 7:16pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

How bad is Obama?

How bad is Obama?

Obama is so bad........

......Jimmy Carter called him another Jimmy Carter.

by buddah | Sunday 17 June 2012 8:13am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Blonde Cop

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver, and asks to see her driver's license.

The driver rummages in her purse, and tells the cop, "I must have left it at home, Officer."

The blonde cop says, "Well, do you have any other form of identification?"

The blonde driver rummages in her purse again, and finds a compact mirror. She says, "All I have is this picture of myself."

The cop says, "Well, let me see it then."

The driver hands it to her and the blonde cop looks at it and says, "If had known you were a police officer, I'd have never pulled you over in the first place. Have a nice day!"

by buddah | Saturday 2 June 2012 7:50am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Baby's First Doctor's Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, " No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

by buddah | Friday 27 April 2012 8:56am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Your Vote Counts

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard. She slipped and fell.

Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered, "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "

The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''You know ... I fell on my ass, not on my head!"

by buddah | Thursday 26 April 2012 8:01am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Two Skinny Lawyers

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the
same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois
Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had
very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his
inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his
inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was in the United States military. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight. Obama is a skinny
lawyer.

10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments. Obama is
a skinny lawyer.

11. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

12. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a
skinny lawyer

14. Lincoln saved the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

15. Lincoln reunited a tragically divided country. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

So give the guy some credit: He doesn't have a weight problem.

by buddah | Tuesday 27 March 2012 7:42pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

In the News

Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.

Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs.

Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.

by buddah | Saturday 24 March 2012 5:10pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Day Labor

An old Arab living in Detroit has a vegetable garden that he would like to dig over, so he can plant potatoes. He is too old to face the task, and his only son lives in Paris. With sadness, he writes his son an e-mail.

Dear Ahmed,

I am very sad. I would like to dig over my garden so I can plant potatoes, but I am too old now. I am sure that if you were here, you could do it for me.

Your Father

He receives an e-mail in reply:

Dear Father,

Please, on no account touch the garden. It is where I buried "the object".

Ahmed

The following morning, the old Arab's house is surrounded by units of the US Army, the FBI and Homeland Security, who take possession of his back yard and dig up every millimeter of the garden, but find nothing. That night, the old man receives another e-mail:

Dear Father,

I assume that by now your garden is completely dug over and you can plant potatoes. It was the best I could do.

Ahmed

by buddah | Wednesday 29 February 2012 7:03pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Politically Correct Women Descriptions

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN

She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED

She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

by buddah | Wednesday 29 February 2012 7:00pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. " It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

by buddah | Sunday 12 February 2012 12:33pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Obama Visits the Kids


Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he
offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the
Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor,
then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
question time.. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him
his name.

"Mikey," he responds.

"And what is your question, Mikey?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"

by buddah | Sunday 12 February 2012 11:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

New, Updated Dr. Seuss

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this woman, Nan , I do not like this 'YES WE CAN.'

I do not like this spending spree, I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.

I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope. I do not like it, nope, nope, nope.

We gotta vote out this hopeless dope.

by buddah | Saturday 11 February 2012 12:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Senior Discounts

Stores with Senior Discounts...


You may have seen these, but I sure did not know about some of these discounts.

Some of these are for starting @ age 50 +

You may want to print it out and carry in your wallet, purse, or car

Stores with Senior Discounts (pass it on!)


IF YOU SHOP OR EAT AT ANY OF THESE PLACES, YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK FOR THE
DISCOUNT.

My source said you have to ask for them, they aren't automatically given !!

Restaurants with Senior Discounts
(some of these have some really great discounts!)
Applebee's: 15% off with Golden Apple Card (60+)
Arby's: 10% off (55+)
Ben & Jerry's: 10% off (60+)
Bennigan's: discount varies by location
Bob's Big Boy: discount varies by location (60+)
BostonMarket: 10% off (65+)
Burger King: 10% off (60+)
Captain D's Seafood: discount varies on location (62+)
Chick-Fil-A: 10% off or free small drink or coffee (55+)
Chili's: 10% off (55+)
CiCi's Pizza: 10% off (60+)
Culver's: 10% off (60+)
Denny's: 10% off, 20% off for AARP members (55+)
Dunkin' Donuts: 10% off or free coffee (55+)
Einstein's Bagels: 10% off baker's dozen of bagels (60+)
Fuddrucker's: 10% off any senior platter (55+)
Gatti's Pizza: 10% off (60+)
Golden Corral: 10% off (60+)
Hardee's: $0.33 beverages everyday (65+)
IHOP: 10% off (55+)
Jack in the Box: up to 20% off (55+)
KFC: free small drink with any meal (55+)
Krispy Kreme: 10% off (50+)
Long John Silver's: various discounts at participating locations (55+)
McDonald's: discounts on coffee everyday (55+)
Mrs. Fields: 10% off at participating locations (60+)
Shoney's: 10% off
Sonic: 10% off or free beverage (60+)
Steak 'n Shake: 10% off every Monday & Tuesday (50+)
Subway: 10% off (60+)
Sweet Tomatoes 10% off (62+)
Taco Bell: 5% off; free beverages for seniors (65+)
TCBY: 10% off (55+)
Tea Room Cafe: 10% off (50+)
Village Inn: 10% off (60+)
Waffle House: 10% off every Monday (60+)
Wendy's: 10% off (55+)
WhiteCastle: 10% off (62+)


Retail and Apparel
Banana Republic: 10% off (50+)
Bealls: 20% off first Tuesday of each month (50+)
Belk's: 15% off first Tuesday of every month (55+)
Big Lots: 10% off
Bon-Ton Department Stores: 15% off on senior discount days (55+)
C.J. Banks: 10% off every Wednesday (60+)
Clarks: 10% off (62+)
Dress Barn: 10% off (55+)
Goodwill: 10% off one day a week (date varies by location)
Hallmark: 10% off one day a week (date varies by location)
Kmart: 20% off (50+)
Kohl's: 15% off (60+)
Modell's Sporting Goods: 10% off
Rite Aid: 10% off on Tuesdays & 10% off prescriptions
Ross Stores: 10% off every Tuesday (55+)
The Salvation Army Thrift Stores: up to 50% off (55+)
Stein Mart: 20% off red dot/clearance items first Monday of every month
(55+)


Grocery
Albertson's: 10% off first Wednesday of each month (55+)
American Discount Stores: 10% off every Monday (50+)
Compare Foods Supermarket: 10% off every Wednesday (60+)
DeCicco Family Markets: 5% off every Wednesday (60+)
Food Lion: 6% off every Monday (60+)
Fry's Supermarket: free Fry's VIP Club Membership & 10% off every Monday
(55+)
Great Valu Food Store: 5% off every Tuesday (60+)
Gristedes Supermarket: 10% off every Tuesday (60+)
Harris Teeter: 5% off every Tuesday (60+)
Hy-Vee: 5% off one day a week (date varies by location)
Kroger: 10% off (date varies by location)
Morton Williams Supermarket: 5% off every Tuesday (60+)
The Plant Shed: 10% off every Tuesday (50+)
Publix: 5% off every Wednesday (55+)
RogersMarketplace: 5% off every Thursday (60+)
Uncle Guiseppe's Marketplace: 5% off (62+)


New Seasons Grocery 10% off on Wed. (65+) 10% Tue. (military)

Travel
AlaskaAirlines: 10% off (65+)
Alamo: up to 25% off for AARP members
American Airlines: various discounts for 65 and up (call before booking
for discount)
Amtrak: 15% off (62+)
Avis: up to 25% off for AARP members
Best Western: 10% off (55+)
Budget Rental Cars: 10% off; up to 20% off for AARP members (50+)
CambriaSuites: 20%-30% off (60+)
Clarion: 20%-30% off (60+)
Comfort Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
Comfort Suites: 20%-30% off (60+)
Continental Airlines: no initiation fee for Continental Presidents Club &
special fares for select destinations
Dollar Rent-A-Car: 10% off (50+)
Econo Lodge: 20%-30% off (60+)
EnterpriseRent-A-Car: 5% off for AARP members
Greyhound: 5% off (62+)
Hampton Inns & Suites: 10% off when booked 72 hours in advance
Hertz: up t0 25% off for AARP members
Holiday Inn: 10%-30% off depending on location (62+)
Hyatt Hotels: 25%-50% off (62+)
InterContinental Hotels Group: various discounts at all hotels (65+)
Mainstay Suites: 10% off with Mature Traveler's Discount (50+); 20%-30%
off (60+)
Marriott Hotels: 15% off (62+)
Motel 6: 10% off (60+)
Myrtle BeachResort: 10% off (55+)
National Rent-A-Car: up to 30% off for AARP members
Quality Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
Rodeway Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
Sleep Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
Southwest Airlines: various discounts for ages 65 and up (call before
booking for discount)
Trailways Transportation System: various discounts for ages 50 and up
United Airlines: various discounts for ages 65 and up (call before booking
for discount)
U.S.Airways: various discounts for ages 65 and up (call before booking for
discount)

Activities & Entertainment
AMC Theaters: up to 30% off (55+)
Bally Total Fitness: up to $100 off memberships (62+)
BuschGardens Tampa: $3 off one-day tickets (50+)
Carmike Cinemas: 35% off (65+)
Cinemark/Century Theaters: up to 35% off
U.S.National Parks: $10 lifetime pass; 50% off additional services
including camping (62+)
Regal Cinemas: 30% off
Ripley's Believe it or Not: @ off one-day ticket (55+)
SeaWorld Orlando: $3 off one-day tickets (50+)

Cell Phone Discounts
AT&T: Special Senior Nation 200 Plan $29.99/month (65+)
Jitterbug: $10/month cell phone service (50+)
Verizon Wireless: Verizon Nationwide 65 Plus Plan $29.99/month (65+)
*Check out our Secret Cell Phone Discounts to view all cell phone
discounts available to you!


Miscellaneous
Great Clips: $3 off hair cuts (60+)
Super Cuts: $2 off haircuts (60+)


Since many senior discounts are not advertised to the public, our advice
to men and women over 55 is to ALWAYS ask a sales associate if that store
provides a senior discount. That way, you can be sure to get the most bang
for your buck.

Hope this gives you an idea of how a senior can save.

by buddah | Friday 10 February 2012 5:41pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Obama Cashes a Check

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, “Good morning Madam, could you please cash this check for me”?

Cashier: It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?

Obama: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States .

Cashier: Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Obama: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.

Cashier: I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them.

Obama: I am urging you please to cash this check.

Cashier: Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can’t think of a single thing I can do.

Cashier: Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

by buddah | Wednesday 8 February 2012 10:02pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

President's Day

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter and I asked
her, "What day is the 20th of February?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

by buddah | Tuesday 7 February 2012 10:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR SOUTHERN BOYS SAY


31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy..

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY (EVER):

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us
down to re-elect OBAMA.

by buddah | Sunday 5 February 2012 9:45pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Old

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

BUT UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH? "

























by buddah | Friday 3 February 2012 8:48am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Let Me Get This Straight

Let me get this straight . . .

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't, which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a Dumbo President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any
benefits take effect , by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!

What the hell could possibly go wrong?

by buddah | Thursday 5 January 2012 10:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Things to Remember During a War

The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

You are not Tom Cruise.

SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

Smart bombs have bad days too.

The best defense is to stay out of range.

If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

by buddah | Monday 26 December 2011 9:58am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Jewish Christmas

The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.

"Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

by buddah | Saturday 17 December 2011 5:40pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Texting Primer for Baby Boomers


ATD: At The Doctor

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

ROFLACGU: Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can’t Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

TSP: Type Slower Please

AARP: Another Angry Retiree Posting

by buddah | Sunday 11 December 2011 3:33pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Little Akio

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Akio: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'FUCK the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Akio says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Akio said quietly, 'The American people, November 4, 2008.'

by buddah | Friday 2 December 2011 8:35pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Robbery Lesson

A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points to the teller saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be geography."

The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"

The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."

by buddah | Friday 18 November 2011 8:18pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Sunday Dinner

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly. Do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

by buddah | Friday 18 November 2011 8:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Ranch

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So we called it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-lazy-Y Ranch."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

by buddah | Friday 18 November 2011 8:07pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cowboy in the Drugstore

Cowboy: "Give me three packets of condoms please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah...she ain't that ugly."

by buddah | Sunday 16 October 2011 5:11pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Little Bruce


Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,Mr. Smith replies,"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,"Well, we've been lucky so far."

by buddah | Tuesday 13 September 2011 7:39am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Revised Hits of the 60's

The record artists of the 1960's are remaking their hits. They Include:

Splish, Splash I Was Havin' a Flash - Bobby Darin

Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker - Herman's Hermits

I Get By With a Little Help From Depends - Ringo Starr

How Can You Mend a Broken Hip - The Bee Gees

The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face - Roberta Flack

I Can't See Clearly Now - Johnny Nash

Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver - Paul Simon

Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom - The Commodores

A Whiter Shade of Hair - Procol Harum

You Make Me Feel Like Napping - Leo Sayer

Papa's Got a Kidney Stone - The Temptations

Denture Queen - Abba

Knock Three Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall - Tony Orlando

I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore - Helen Reddy

It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To - Lesley Gore

On the Commode Again - Willie Nelson

by buddah | Thursday 1 September 2011 10:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

What's Up?

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP." It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

I'll shut UP now.

by buddah | Tuesday 30 August 2011 8:43am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dr. Seuss 2011


I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like ex-speaker Nan, I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'...

I do not like this spending spree. I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.

I do not like their smug replies, when I complain about their lies.

I do not like this kind of hope. I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope!

by buddah | Monday 22 August 2011 4:48pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Tips for Senior Lovemaking

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can’t remember...

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act...

8. Make all the noise you want... The neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'gets lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot...

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.










by buddah | Friday 19 August 2011 6:00pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Ole and Sven



Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and

one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.


Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"


Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"


So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.


Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

NO bad side effects.


Nothing!


The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"


Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"


Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"


Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."


Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."


Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"


Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"


Ole stopped to think. "No "


"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa

by buddah | Tuesday 16 August 2011 10:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Economy is so bad...

The economy is so bad Brad and Angelina have fired their nannies and are trying to learn the names of their own children.

The economy is so bad that when I ordered a hamburger at McDonalds, the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing minature golf.

by buddah | Monday 15 August 2011 3:56pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?"

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

by buddah | Wednesday 10 August 2011 5:46pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Crime Problem

The crime problem in this country is getting out of control. There are gangs in the U.S. Senate now.

by buddah | Thursday 21 July 2011 8:51am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Teaching Math


1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2000s

If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.

7. Teaching Math In 2011

Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

by buddah | Sunday 17 July 2011 8:38pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Running of the Bulls

Hey, this week was Spain's annual running of the bulls. Or as bulls are reporting it, "This week was Spain's annual chasing of the idiots."

by buddah | Saturday 16 July 2011 7:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Meditate on These

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

by buddah | Friday 15 July 2011 7:30am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Women's English/ Men's English

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry ! = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

by buddah | Friday 8 July 2011 6:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Breaking News!!!

Click Here for Breaking News

by buddah | Saturday 2 July 2011 8:05pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Effects of the Recession

The recession is affecting everybody:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

by buddah | Sunday 22 May 2011 7:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wise Italians

THE ITALIAN ELBOW

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What .. . .. .. You coming empty handed?"



WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside and says, " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver soyou will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times
up'?

by buddah | Saturday 14 May 2011 8:45pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Usama's Reward

According to the Koran, since Usama bin Laden was buried at sea, he met 72 sturgeons.

by buddah | Saturday 7 May 2011 8:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

101st Airborne in Iraq

101st AIRBORNE IN IRAQ

by buddah | Friday 29 April 2011 8:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Lawyer Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many personal injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three one to change the light bulb, one to shake him off the ladder,
and one to sue the ladder company.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance,
one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents,
one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn
in their time cards, one to depose, one to write
interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary
to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for
professional services.

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.

The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them,
and people couldn't figure outwhich side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country
while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.


by buddah | Wednesday 13 April 2011 6:28pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Soldier's Joy

by buddah | Monday 11 April 2011 8:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

You Might Be a Socialist

"If you believe it's greedy for American taxpayers to want to keep more of their own money, but not greedy to demand that government confiscate other people's money and redistribute it to those who didn't earn it, you might be a socialist.

If you don't understand (or care) that babies scream and cry the moment they are born because they are already heavily in debt and facing a bleak future and lower quality of life, you might be a socialist.

If the only thing you, your Cabinet members and czars know about business is from books read at Harvard Law School, written by Karl Marx, you might be a socialist.

If you want to allocate hundreds of millions to the Internal Revenue Service to go after tax cheats when your administration is filled with tax cheats, including the guy in charge of America's taxes (Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner), you might be a socialist.

If you think the "White House Party Crashers" are terrible people because they came to a state dinner without an invitation, but you want to give instant citizenship to 12 million uninvited "illegal aliens" who crashed our border, you might be a socialist.

If you think anyone who doesn't read the New York Times is dumb and ignorant, but think it's OK for Congress to pass a 2,000-page health care bill without reading it, you might be a socialist.

If you think Times' columnist Paul Krugman deserves a Nobel Prize for economics and you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize even though neither of you created a job or ended a war, you might be a socialist.

If you think it's OK to meet with dictators, bullies, tyrants and terrorist sympathizers without preconditions, but have no interest in meeting with conservatives in Congress, you might be a socialist.

If you think it's OK to give constitutional rights to terrorists, but not to the bondholders, shareholders and secured creditors of GM and Chrysler when you stole the company from them and awarded it to the unions that bankrupted them, you might be a socialist.

If you think Raul Castro, the leader of communist Cuba, in firing 500,000 government employees by telling them "government can no longer employ or take care of everyone" isn't a hint that perhaps America needs to reduce our obscene number of government employees, you might be a socialist.

If you think George W. Bush's spending was an embarrassment, a travesty and a sin, but you have no problem increasing the national debt more in one day than the entire 2007 budget deficit, you might be a socialist.

If you think Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar of "The View" represent the moderate wingof the Democratic Party, you might be a socialist.

If you think it was OK for Nancy Pelosi to pass Obamacare so she could benefit from the special clause on Page 1,890 that gives free facelifts to public officials, you might be a socialist (just kidding!).

If you want to convert America to a "green economy" to create jobs, after Spain has proven the green economy destroys three times as many jobs as it creates and leads to 20 percent unemployment, you might be a socialist.

If you think denying someone a job, government contract or entry to college because of the color of their skin is immoral and criminal, but giving someone a job, government contract or college admission because of a different color of their skin is "social justice," you might be a socialist.

If you want to abandon capitalism and put the economy under the controlof government bureaucrats, even though virtually every city, county, state and federal department run by these same bureaucrats is insolvent and bankrupt, you might be a socialist.

If you favor taxpayer bailouts of companies who give you campaign contributions and hide it by refusing to disclose who got the money or how much and you demand your cronies in Congress pass the 1,000-plus page bailout bill without reading it, you might be a socialist.

If you think spending an extra trillion dollars will save money on health care and reduce the deficit, you might be a socialist (and possibly learned math in public school).

If your solution to Medicare driving the country into bankruptcy is expanding it to everyone with Obamacare, you might be a socialist."

Wayne Allyn Root

by buddah | Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:23am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pope to Ease Up on Jesus Talk

VATICAN CITY - Acknowledging that he has perhaps been laying it on a little thick with the religion stuff lately, Pope Benedict XVI said Wednesday that he was making a concerted effort to take all his incessant Jesus talk down a notch.

The Supreme Pontiff admits that, overall, his sermons and public addresses have been a little Jesus-heavy.

Though he reassured followers that he was still the head of the 1.1 billion–member Roman Catholic Church and an unwavering believer in the divinity of Christ, the pope suggested he might have an easier time communicating with people if he wasn't up in everyone's face about Jesus all the time.

"I just want to rein it in a smidge," Benedict said. "While I alone among men have been chosen to represent the Son of God upon this earth, I've found that if you have a big chip on your shoulder about something like that, it can be pretty alienating to people."

"I'd like to think I can be an infallible ecclesiastical authority without ramming it down people's throats," the pope said. "I'm starting to realize what a huge turn-off that is."

In a routine papal blessing Sunday at St. Peter's Square, Benedict made far fewer mentions of Jesus than usual and only cited scripture twice, opting instead for such uncharacteristic phraseology as "Sorry if this sounds preachy," "I'm not here to judge," and "Hey, this works for me, but by all means, feel free to do your own thing, too."

Benedict said the turning point came for him last week with the publication of book two in his New York Times bestselling Jesus Of Nazareth trilogy, a series the pope now claims he should have ended after the first book.

The pope says all of the graphic depictions of Christ's crucifixion are coming off "a bit morbid and creepy.

"I'm flipping though this thing and I'm thinking, 'Man, I sound like a broken record, don't I?" said Benedict, opening to a random page of the new book and pointing out a "crazy" number of references to the Son of God. "It's just Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Page after page of nothing but Jesus. Who wants to read that?"

To temper his past hyperbole with regard to Jesus, the Supreme Pontiff said he is now at work on an encyclical in which he will call upon Catholics to relax a little and not treat every aspect of church doctrine "as if it were the end-all, be-all of the whole universe or something."

Benedict added that his staff is exploring options for scaling back the opulent Vatican into something that, while still glorifying to God, isn't quite so over-the-top about it. The pope said he also hoped to tone down some of the more grandiose aspects of his own appearance, noting that some might find his extravagant wardrobe of luxurious, hand-woven cassocks and velvet capes to be off-putting.

Tugging at his heavily embroidered vestments, Benedict said, "These robes, this hat. It's a bit much, right? I don't see why I can't just go to a beatification ceremony or a papal audience wearing a nice dress shirt and some slacks: It's respectful, it's dignified, but it's not like I'm going in with guns blazing, either."

Benedict has gone so far as to compose an edict to all Catholic clergy urging them to follow his example and maybe dial the religion back a click or two.

"Please, definitely keep giving your sermons and celebrating the Lord," Benedict wrote in his official decree. "But play it mellow with the Jesus material—give it some room to breathe, you know? Trust me, you'll get your point across better if you're not so heavy-handed."

Vatican sources confirmed many within the pope's inner circle were deeply concerned by this new philosophy, but others told reporters they have come around to the lighter-on-the-Jesus approach after initial doubts.

"I was worried at first," Cardinal Lorenzo Antonetti said. "Then His Holiness reassured me that whatever words he chose, birth control, abortion, homosexuality, and the distribution of condoms in starving, AIDS-ravaged nations would always remain abominations. That calmed all my fears."

From The Onion

by buddah | Friday 18 March 2011 9:59pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Q and A with Charlie Sheen

Cocaine checked into rehab to get rid of its Charlie Sheen habit

Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are doing a new sitcom it's called
"Two and a Half Grams!"

Q: Why does Charlie Sheen's character only live with males on Two and a Half Men?
A: Because in his role, if he lived with a woman, then he would relapse into real life and begin to beat up the actress.

Q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen take in January?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Q: Why is Charlie Sheen a spokesman for Hanes underwear?
A: Because the time he spends with a woman is brief before he starts beating her up!

Q: Which company asked Charlie Sheen for an endorsement after he was dumped by Hanes following his domestic violence arrest?
A: Fruit-of-the-Loon!

Q: Why did Charlie Sheen threaten his wife with a knife?
A: Because he left his gun in Los Angeles!

Q: Who will suffer the most financially from Charlie Sheen's legal problems?
A: Call Girls!

Q:What's the difference between Japanese Engineers and Charlie Sheen?
A:The Japanese Engineers are trying to avoid a total meltdown!

Q: What is Higher?
A1: Food prices
A2: Gas Prices
A3: Unemployment
A4: Charlie Sheen

Q: What did Charlie Sheen say to the porn star with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing he already told her twice!

Q: Why did CBS pull the plug on Sheen's hit sitcom "Two and a Half Men"?
A: Because on Groundhog Day, Charlie saw his dealer which meant 6 more weeks of hookers and pornstars!

by buddah | Thursday 17 March 2011 8:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Winning- a song by Charlie Sheen

Click here

by buddah | Saturday 12 March 2011 8:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Wish

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry", said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats pull their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.


by buddah | Wednesday 9 March 2011 7:07am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Definitions


An addict is someone hides his behavior, and a recovering addict is someone who can't stop talking about his addiction.

by buddah | Saturday 26 February 2011 8:44am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Muslim Brotherhood



This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the US continued to meddle in Egyptian affairs that they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If that action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by AT&T, Dell and AOL customer service representatives.

Finally, if ALL else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.

by buddah | Saturday 19 February 2011 8:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Old Man Wisdom

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1:00 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

by buddah | Wednesday 26 January 2011 7:16pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY!

by buddah | Wednesday 26 January 2011 7:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Troubles

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming"
- Rodney Dangerfield

by buddah | Friday 21 January 2011 8:39pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Geezer Humor

My memory is so bad that I finally have a clear conscience!


My senior moments sometimes turn into a week long vacation!


Two old men were sitting on a park bench. One said to the other, 'Refresh my memory. Was it you or your brother that died in WWII ?'.


My secrets are safe with my friends ... they can't remember them either.


As I get older, the more notes I need.


As we get older, we tend to slow down. One day a man stepped on a snail, and his friend asked him why he did that. He said, 'That thing has been following me around all day long!'.


A man went to the doctor. The doc examined him and said, 'The best I can tell you is that you have ten left.'.

The man asked, 'How many? Ten years, ten months, ten weeks, or ten days?' .

The doc replied, 'Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three.......'.


Another elderly man went to the doctor with a banana in his ear and a pickle up his nose. The doctor said to him, 'I'll tell you right now, you're not eating right.'.


My idea of weight lifting is standing up.


I knew I was getting older when I realized the little old gray-headed lady I was helping across the street was my wife.


I'm not going bald; I'm just growing through my hair.

by buddah | Sunday 9 January 2011 7:37pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Redneck Fishing

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with
two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its
bass.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses.
You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim
'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these
here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth
Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?" says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the redneck.

by buddah | Sunday 2 January 2011 8:50pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Senior Texting Code


Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).


ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

by buddah | Monday 27 December 2010 7:09pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Retarded Grandparents

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday
away from school. One third grader wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren."

by buddah | Friday 17 December 2010 9:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Where is my Sunday paper?

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,

"Well, shit, so that's why no one was at church today."



by buddah | Friday 10 December 2010 10:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YES!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

by buddah | Thursday 9 December 2010 5:53pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Pray for Leroy

A preacher said, "Anyone with "special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

by buddah | Sunday 5 December 2010 7:11pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stairway to Heaven

Climbing

by buddah | Tuesday 30 November 2010 8:39am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bumper Stickers Seen on Military Bases

Except for Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, War Has Never Solved Anything

U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah

Stop Global Whining

When in Doubt, Empty the Magazine

The U.S. Army - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight

Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back

Marine Sniper - "You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

What Do I Feel When I Kill a Terrorist? A Little Recoil .

U.S. Army - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For Their Country Since 1775

Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon

It's God's Job To Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting

Artillery Brings Dignity To What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl

My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College

A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers

If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher. If You Can Read It in English, Thank a Veteran.

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in
the world. But the U.S. Armed Forces don't have that problem." ~ Reagan


by buddah | Wednesday 17 November 2010 6:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Bush and Obama in the Barbershop



George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics... As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

by buddah | Thursday 11 November 2010 8:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Health Nuts

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

- Redd Foxx (1922 - 1991)

by buddah | Thursday 4 November 2010 8:16pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Mood Ring

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead

by buddah | Thursday 28 October 2010 10:41am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Signs You're Too Old to Trick or Treat

1. You have to choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. Kids say, "Great Mick Jagger mask!" But you're not wearing a mask.

3. You ask for high fibre candy.

4. You get out of breath climbing three steps and knocking at the door.

5. At the end of the evening, you have more restraining orders than treats.

by buddah | Sunday 24 October 2010 7:23pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Dad is a Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

by buddah | Sunday 3 October 2010 11:48pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Pope's View of Pro Football


AFC East:

Buffalo Bills: There are two types of bills:Dollar bills or bills for debt-like credit card bills. Both of these bills signifying an emphasis on money. But as the Lord told us, you cannot serve both God and Mammon. It is clear that Buffalo has chosen the latter, a choice hateful to Catholics. Furthermore, this blithe acceptance of debt is precisely what has gotten this country in economic trouble at the moment. One suspects that the Buffalo Bills may be just as responsible for this crisis as George W. Bush is. Therefore, Catholics ought to reject greed and the Buffalo Bills.

New England Patriots: These are Patriots? They have a silver helmet with a picture of Elvis on it. If they were true Patriots, their symbol would be an American flag or at least the Statute of Liberty putting her boot in the butt of a terrorist. Their uniforms should simply be the American flag over and over again. It is clear that they are only pretending to Patriots and are simply not patriotic enough. Additionally, Bill Simmons roots for the Patriots and if you have anything in common with "The Sports Guy" you're going straight to hell. Man, he's an idiot. Returning to the inquisition:

New York Jets: The Jets remind us of gang warfare. This kind of lawlessness cannot be tolerated by a Catholic. Additionally, the Jets are coached by a very fat man. Contrary to what some sissy Catholics are claiming, gluttony is seriously sinful and must be opposed by Catholics.

Miami Dolphins: if one looks at the Dolphin's logo, you will see an anthropomorphized dolphin-he wears a helmet. This denies the unique dignity of man. Simply put, animals are animals and placed here by God to be shot and eaten, not become like humans.

AFC North:

Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens got their name from an Edgar Allen Poe poem. While passing over the sissy nature of poetry for the moment, the poem reportedly revels in the repetition of the word "Nevermore." This is merely a promotion of hopelessness, which the Holy Father has warned us seriously against and must be rejected. The Ravens, like the Dolphins, attempt to turn men into animals by their nomenclature and thus attack the dignity of men.

Cincinnati Bengals: One might consider that by going to a Bengals game, one is likely to perform the corporeal mercy of visiting those in jail considering the number of players who are routinely visit our nation's penal system. So Catholics can be Bengals fans, right? WRONG! Their star player changed his name to "Chad Ochocinco." to represent his number "85." However, ochocinco is only eight-five in English, not eighty five. Although it is difficult to determine whether this error is due to Chad's inability to understand Spanish or Chad's difficulties with the numbering system, it is clear that the team's support of this error shows a kind of relativism that Catholics, who are in love with Truth, indeed the Truth, must reject.

Cleveland Browns: Having a team named the Browns while having an orange helmet is something that makes no sense outside of Browns fans, and therefore is obviously a display of Gnosticism. Presumably this embrace of Gnosticism will lead many Cleveland fans to the depths of hell-where the devil will either show them "The Decision" or Cleveland Browns games on an eternal loop.

Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers represent an age of Steel. Now, here at TAC we love the age of steel, right? Unbridled capitalism was great, right? So maybe we do love the Steelers? However, in the context of the Church, Steel means one thing: ugly as sin Spirit of Vatican II Churches. Indeed modern churches have been enabled by steel. When you look up from the liturgical dancers, you inevitably see exposed steel beams. While steel is okay for corporate HQs, it is not for Churches. Yet the Steelers promote use of steel without reservation, and therefore ought to be opposed by Catholics who appreciate beauty in their Churches.

AFC South:

Houston Texans: Their symbol looks like the devil himself and shows their love of Satan. Furthermore, the city of Houston failed to choose the best aspect of their city and indeed of the state of Texas: the Eastbound Interstate-10. This under-appreciation of the true gifts of the city combined with the blatant devil-worshipping.

Indianapolis Colts: The symbol of the Colts is a horseshoe. This is a common trinket among the superstitious. As superstition is merely another form of paganism, it must be rejected by Catholics.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Apparently, there are no more Jaguars fans and so this point is moot. Perhaps I succeeded in converting the people Jacksonville! Indeed, if one considered being a Jaguars fan now, one would have to totally hate the idea of community and be instead embracing a rampant individualism, so alone in the stadium would one be.

Tennessee Titans: Pagan gods. Need I say more?

AFC West:

Denver Broncos: The Broncos play in stadium that is "mile high" b/c the stadium (and city) is so high above everyone else. This is clearly an attempt by the Broncos to position themselves as a "city on a hill" and claim to be a utopia or heaven on earth. Catholics must oppose this kind of utopianism (In fact, the stadium hosted Obama?s DNC nomination acceptance speech which echoed these socialist utopian ideas).

Kansas City Chiefs: Chiefs were the ones who carried out the murders of Catholic missionaries. They must be opposed by Catholics. If Kansas City wanted to be Catholic, they would have celebrated the missionaries, not their killers.

Oakland Raiders: Although the Raiders provide much joy to people across the league due to their ineptitude, their fan base embraces wearing skeletons. Indeed, there is so much celebration of a culture of death that Planned Parenthood would feel uncomfortable (well, maybe not).

San Diego Chargers: To name your team after something that simply replenishes your battery power for laptops or phones suggests either an over-emphasis on technology that or an embrace of lameness. Seriously, who wants to plug in their phone and think "that's the name of my football team." Catholics are not lame and therefore not Chargers fans.

Alas, there are no teams in the AFC worthy of endorsement by Catholics! Perhaps the NFC shall produce better results.

NFC East:

Dallas Cowboys: There is no team more hateful to God than the Cowboys. It is true that the Cowboys put a hole in their roof so that God could watch the Cowboys play, but that is because was always rooting for the other team so intensely. The Cowboys celebrate an individualist lifestyle that is not in accordance with Catholic teaching on the need for community. Furthermore, during one of the games the team had their fans wear 3-D glasses to watch the game in 3-d on their absurdly large tv screen. There is not way a Catholic can support this team.

New York Giants: The over-emphasis on size belies the beauty of the small things-like the tiny flowers present in God's creation or the unborn. It suggests a lack of humility an an embrace of pride. The Giants therefore promote an inability to see the "Little Way" and are not acceptable to Catholics. Indeed, Catholics should emulate David and smite the Giants with tiny pebbles.

Philadelphia Eagles: Eagles fans once attacked Santa Claus. Santa Claus is the embodiment of St. Nicholas. Such a display is worthy of a persecution, not a team that is acceptable to Catholics.

Washington Redskins: They suffer from the same problems as the Chiefs (killing missionaries) while also being racist. Rejected.

NFC West:

Arizona Cardinals: It is a serious sin to impersonate a priest, and yet here is this team attempting to impersonate cardinals! Indeed, they are so wicked that their stadium is an image of a coiled snake. This is wickedness that cannot be accepted.

San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers promote men who left their families in the pursuit of gold. As stated earlier, men must serve either God or mammon, and the 49ers are willing to abandon their families in pursuit of their false idol.

St. Louis Rams: Whenever you hear of a Ram, you think of a Dodge Ram. Dodge was bailed out by the government in a deal that violates both subsidiarity and usery. Additionally, their helmets make their players look like they have rams horns out of their ears. This attempt to make men look like beasts is contrary to the dignity of man as created by God.

Seattle Seahawks: It is not surprising that in the land which produced Starbucks and Microsoft bears another evil thing. God's creation ought to be accepted as it is, yet the Seahawks transplant bizarre colors on an animal of God. This desire to play God is the root of pride and of the devil's fall, and Catholics must avoid falling like the devil.

NFC North:

Chicago Bears: As Stephen Colbert can attest, bears are evil. Perhaps paired with beets and battlestar gallatica they can be acceptable, but otherwise not. Indeed, this video shows that bears are creepy and anti-Catholic. Bears fans are known to feast on the misery of others. Not acceptable behavior for Catholics.

Detroit Lions: While I don't think anyone still lives in Detroit, Lion eat Christians. That's what they did in Rome, and that's what they do to Catholics unwary enough to slip into their trap.

Green Bay Packers: Having fans that are "cheeseheads" only shows how little respect they have for the gift of our intellects. God gave us brains, not cheese, and we should praise his gift, not reject it.

Minnesota Vikings: Vikings are celebrated by pagans who pillaged innocent towns, committing unspeakable atrocities while doing so. Additionally, Brett Farve is a whiny person who epitomizes both pride and an unwillingness to rest and all men in accordance with the natural law ought to root against him.

NFC South:

Atlanta Falcons: Catholics love purity while the Falcons rejoice in their name of "Dirty Birds." In order to uphold purity, Catholics must reject the Falcons.

Carolina Panthers: Like the Seahawks, the Panthers have distorted God's creation by taking an animal he created and fixing bizarre colors on them. The silver and bright blue is not natural to Panthers and ought to be considered as an attack on the creation of God.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Piracy is sinful and is not to be celebrated.

New Orleans Saints: The team was founded on All-Saints' Day and named because of that. Like the saints of the Church, the Saints suffered for many many years only at the end to receive glory and honor beyond their wildest dreams. In short, the Saints are clearly a team that all Catholics should celebrate and support. Considering that all other teams failed the test, to be a Catholic, one must also be a Saints fan. WHO DAT!!!

by buddah | Saturday 18 September 2010 9:37am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Definitions

Recession: When your neighbor loses his job

Depression: When you lose your job

Recovery: When Nancy Pelosi loses her job

by buddah | Friday 17 September 2010 11:36am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

California vs. Arizona

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts
a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack
somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and train a new
security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.


Arizona:

The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A
Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps
jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.


And that's why California is broke.

by buddah | Thursday 15 July 2010 9:17am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Redneck Vasectomy

A tennessee couple, Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave "fixed." The doctor gladly started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after 9 children, would they decide to do this?

Dave replied they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance because neither of them could speak Spanish.

by buddah | Thursday 8 July 2010 11:13pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

You May Be A Taliban if...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. Your cousin is president of the United States.


by buddah | Friday 11 June 2010 9:04am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Obama sings "Beyond the Sea"

(With apologies to Bobby Darin)

Somewhere,
beyond the sea
This damned oil spill
has made a fool out of me
Seems my lazy ass
ain't getting a pass
and everybody can see
how bad I've been
fail-ing!

As more
oil comes ashore
People are asking
"Who's minding the store"?
It's increasingly said,
I'm in over my head
and the whole world can see
how much I've been
flail-ing

I thought
Just like before
I could run my mouth,
and then do nothing more
The media's been kind-
they have a lot on their mind
like digging up dirt on Sarah
Pa-lin

I tried
to blame BP
But more and more,
folks are looking at me
The buck's stopping here!
that's my biggest fear
And I'm not looking too good
yes, I'm just
flail-ing

I dropped
in for a photo op
But the oil kept gushing
even when I told it to stop!
Now, I'm gonna go for a smoke
hard work? That's for white folks
You crackers can fix this,
Barrack's gonna be
bail-ing

Talk's cheap,
here on the shore
I speak,
just like before
But instead of trust,
I'm seeing disgust
the love is all gone
Thanks to my
fail-ing

I can't
stay here on the shore
it's kinda depressing,
and I'm easily bored.
Don't know what you'll do
Boy, it sucks to be you!
Now on Air Force One, I'll be
sail-ing

Party time!
gotta go get my groove
The Gulf Coast is ruined,
If you don't like it-move
As oil befouls your reef,
I'm gonna eat Wagyu beef
and don't piss me off
or your ass I'll be
jail-ing

To those
who did "believe"
Man, you're looking stupid
and very naive!
Don't look so annoyed,
as your country's destroyed
That was my plan all along
so stop your
wail-ing!

by buddah | Saturday 5 June 2010 11:02am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Wreath Wrath

Barrack dissed the U.S. Military family pretty good by a casual flip off from presenting the real wreath at Arlington while opting for a just as good presentation he could do more comfortably while home on vacation in Chicago. Real thunder and lightning came in responce. So much that his just as good party was rained out, postponed, delayed and finally cancelled for fear yes fear, of getting struck by the high voltage artillery of the lord.

...although I think he took full responsibility for the storm.

by Linseed Earl | Friday 4 June 2010 1:55am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Hypnotism at the Senior Center


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

by buddah | Tuesday 25 May 2010 7:24am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Gonorrhea Lectim

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Philadelphia, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

by buddah | Wednesday 19 May 2010 8:27pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Cannibal Cookery

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

by buddah | Thursday 29 April 2010 9:18am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Why I Carry a Gun

I don't carry a gun to kill people.
I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

I don't carry a gun to scare people.
I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

I don't carry a gun because I'm paranoid.
I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I'm evil.
I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I hate the government.
I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don't carry a gun because I'm angry.
I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life hating
myself for failing to be prepared.

I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone.
I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed, and not on
a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy.
I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man.
I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones
they love.

I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate.
I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don't carry a gun because I love it.
I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

by buddah | Saturday 24 April 2010 10:42am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Snake Wine

Snake wine is an alcoholic beverage that includes a whole venomous snake in the bottle. It originated in Vietnam and can be found around Southeast Asia. The snakes, preferably venomous ones, are usually not preserved for their meat. They are preserved to have the snake poison dissolved in the liquor. However, because snake venoms are protein-based, they are unfolded and therefore inactivated due to the influence of the denaturing effects of ethanol.

Snake wine originated in Vietnam and spread throughout the region of Southeast Asia and Southern China. Snakes are widely believed to possess medicinal qualities and the wine is often advertised to cure everything from farsightedness to hair loss, as well as to increase sexual performance. However, these claims should not all be taken literally as many are likely exaggerated to attract buyers. It is illegal to import snake wine to many countries including the United States because the cobras and other snakes killed in the production are often endangered species.

by buddah | Friday 23 April 2010 8:27am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Obama-speak

"advisor" = Czar
"vision" - Marxism
"progressive" = Communist
"recovery" = 3 Million jobs lost
"investment" = Deficit spending
"bi-partisan" = Shut up and agree
"peace process" = Sellout to the Arabs
"jobs bill" = "Billions for banker bonuses
"reproductive care" = Tax funded abortions
"road to recovery" = We're headed for the dumpster
"tax reforms" = Take money from taxpayers to buy votes
"climate change legislation" = Energy tax to buy votes
"health care reform" = Government takeover and rationing of health care

by buddah | Wednesday 24 February 2010 8:16pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Psalm 2010

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake..
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me..
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog ....
And Obama was a tree.

by buddah | Friday 19 February 2010 8:35am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Frickin' Elephant

A five-year old student was learning to read. He pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this, teacher! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

The teacher looked at the picture and the caption read AFRICAN ELEPHANT.



by buddah | Monday 15 February 2010 10:33am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Insults For Every Occasion

Wipe your mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

If you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

Don't let your mind wander... It's too small to go out on its own.

I heard you changed your mind at last...what did you do with the diaper?

Everyone seems to be normal until you get to know them.

by buddah | Sunday 10 January 2010 9:40pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Number One Song on Israel's Country Music Radio Station

"You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since That Rabbi Came to Town"

by buddah | Wednesday 6 January 2010 8:41pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Psychiatrist

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. "I thought you could help me to explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding" "A Coke. That's a breakfast?"

by buddah | Thursday 31 December 2009 9:52am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Yiddish Proverbs / Folk Sayings

If they give you-take; if they take from you-yell!

Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers

Don't spit into the well - you might drink from it later

Cancer - schmancer -as long as you're healthy

Do not worry about tomorrow, because you may not even know what's going to happen to you today

If on person tells you that you have an asses ear, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself

You can't chew with somebody else's teeth

If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face

You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind

One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lay in bed until noon

For dying you always have time

When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise

Silence is the fence around wisdom

by buddah | Saturday 26 December 2009 4:46pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

***BREAKING NEWS***

North Pole (AP) - 12/24/09 - In a surprise move today, the Justice Department handed down indictments against Santa Claus (AKA Kris Kringle, Saint Nick) for allegedly employing undocumented guest workers at his North Pole toy factory. Originally alerted by an anonymous tipster known only as "The Grinch", the Justice Department alleges that Claus operates a large toy manufacturing "sweat shop", solely utilizing an illegal labor force. According to the government's press release, this is "the largest such operation ever detected". Off the record, one official said, "This operation is completely unprecedented in size, probably grossing over five hundred billion in revenue annually." At the same time, the Internal Revenue Service announced that it appears that Claus has never withheld employee income taxes, paid any corporate income taxes, or filed a federal tax return. The IRS says its investigation is continuing, but has already initiated procedures to seize Claus?s factory.

Claus, a morosely obese smoker who has admitted in past interviews to being addicted to junk food, is also being investigated for breaking and entering, illegally flying in restricted airspace, and cruelty to animals. The Justice Department has indicated a RICO indictment will soon be forthcoming.

A spokesperson for PETA maintains that Claus's reindeer, which they claim are forced by Claus to tow overloaded vehicles, are considered a rare and endangered species, and PETA is pursuing a federal lawsuit seeking an emergency injunction to enforce the federal Endangered Species Act of 1973, halting any subsequent abuse of the animals. PETA will also petition the court for the destruction of the animals as "the most humane course", since, according to PETA experts, the reindeer are no longer able to fend for themselves in the wild.

The Department of Transportation confirmed their investigation of PETA?s allegations against the Claus transportation operation, admitting that their records show no evidence that Claus's vehicles have ever been registered or inspected by DOT. The DOT was also puzzled that Claus's freight haulers somehow managed to bypass all state and federal safety inspection stations. However, both the Federal Aviation Administration and the U.S. Air Force were tight-lipped when questioned about Claus's alleged restricted airspace intrusions, and the FBI refused to comment on its ongoing investigation regarding Claus's alleged mass interstate burglaries.

Additionally, the Federal Trade Commission is investigating Claus, as they believe that very few of his toys meet stringent federal safety guidelines. An unnamed source at the FTC said that several million tons of toys would have to be destroyed immediately, though such destruction would likely cause immense environmental damage at the North Pole. However, the EPA indicated that the Superfund would probably cover most of the costs of any necessary cleanup.

The various alleged violations appear to have been ongoing for a number of years.

Though Mrs. Claus could be seen weeping inside the shuttered factory, Claus himself refused to be interviewed, and a spokesperson for Claus had no immediate comment regarding the current indictments or other possible charges because of pending legal actions.

It is unclear as to the ultimate fate of the tens of thousands of undocumented guest workers suddenly thrown out of work by closure of the Claus factory. Most are claiming to be "Elves", but they appear to be unable to establish nationality in any known country, and no country thus far has been willing to accept responsibility for them. The Red Cross has agreed to house and feed them in temporary camps established on site, though the harsh weather conditions make continuing survival questionable unless the international community can quickly reach agreement for providing further assistance. Indeed the UN Sectretary General announced such assistance would come quickly, as he called on a summit meeting in Mexico City next summer to acheive a binding treaty consensus among donor nations. Unfortunately, the brutal living conditions are likely to be particularly hard on the Elfen children as they are so tiny and, due to late-season Christmas-giving fatigue and the worsening global recession, private relief donations have been less than expected.

In related developments, distraught parents around the globe were already beginning to seek each other out via a newly established website, www.suethecrapoutofsanta.com, in preparation for filing a class action lawsuit against Claus, alleging contract fraud for failure to deliver toys to their children in a timely fashion. The pain and suffering claims alone are expected to run into trillions for the "nice" children, though claims for the "naughty" children seem to be less well founded.

Suppliers worldwide also expressed deep concern regarding the future viability of their long term contracts with Claus. Many had expanded operations specifically to support his operations, and the loss of Claus's business would be devastating, yet another blow to the fragile global economy. The Wall Street Journal's website reported that the Dow Jones Industrial Average nose-dived once word of the Justice Department actions filtered out, precipitously dropping almost 10% within minutes of the government's press conference.

by buddah | Thursday 24 December 2009 1:21pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

A Child's Book Report on the Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden .....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah , who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston . Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament . Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

by buddah | Friday 11 December 2009 9:39pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

No Speakah De English

A bus stops and two men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is perked when she hears one of them say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more. She shouts, "You foul mouth sex obsessed pig! In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a just tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'"

by buddah | Tuesday 8 December 2009 8:12am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

The Twelve Steps of Insanity

STEP ONE - We admitted that we were powerless over nothing. We could manage our lives perfectly and we could manage those of anyone else that would allow it.

STEP TWO - Came to believe that there was no power greater than ourselves, and the rest of the world was insane.

STEP THREE - Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and their lives over to our care.

STEP FOUR - Made a searching and fearless inventory of everyone we knew.

STEP FIVE - Admitted to the world at large the exact nature of their wrongs.

STEP SIX - Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.

STEP SEVEN - Demanded others to either "shape up or ship out."

STEP EIGHT - Made a list of anyone who had ever harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them all.

STEP NINE - Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible except when to do so would cost us our own lives or, at the very least, a jail sentence.

STEP TEN - Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

STEP ELEVEN - Sought through nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn't understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and do things our way.

STEP TWELVE - Having had a complete physical, emotional, and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.

by buddah | Sunday 22 November 2009 6:00pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Beer Can

If you say the words 'beer can' in a British accent, it sounds like you're saying 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.

by buddah | Tuesday 10 November 2009 9:08am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Notes on a speech by Dr. Charles Krauthammer


1. Mr. Obama is a very intellectual, charming individual. He is not to be underestimated. He is a cool customer who doesn't show his emotions. It's very hard to know what's behind the mask.The taking down of the Clinton dynasty was an amazing accomplishment. The Clintons still do not understand what hit them. Obama was in the perfect place at the perfect time.

2. Obama has political skills comparable to Reagan and Clinton . He has a way of making you think he's on your side, agreeing with your position, while doing the opposite. Pay no attention to what he SAYS; rather, watch what he DOES!


3. Obama has a ruthless quest for power. He did not come to Washington to make something out of himself, but rather to change everything, including dismantling capitalism. He can't be straightforward on his ambitions, as the public would not go along.
He has a heavy hand, and wants to level the playing field with income redistribution and punishment to the achievers of society. He would like to model the USA to Great Britain or Canada .

4. His three main goals are to control ENERGY, PUBLIC EDUCATION, and NATIONAL HEALTHCARE by the Federal government. He doesn't care about the auto or financial services industries, but got them as an early bonus. The cap and trade will add costs to everything and stifle growth. Paying for FREE college education is his goal. Most scary is his healthcare program, because if you make it FREE and add 46,000,000 people to a Medicare-type single-payer system, the costs will go through the roof. The only way to control costs is with massive RATIONING of services, like in Canada . God forbid!

5. He has surrounded himself with mostly far-left academic types. No one around him has ever even run a candy store. But they are going to try and run the auto, financial, banking and other industries. This obviously can't work in the long run. Obama is not a socialist; rather he's a far-left secular progressive bent on nothing short of revolution. He ran as a moderate, but will govern from the hard left. Again, watch what he does, not what he says.

6.. Obama doesn't really see himself as President of the United States , but more as a ruler over the world. He sees himself above it all, trying to orchestrate & coordinate various countries and their agendas. He sees moral equivalency in all cultures. His apology tour in Germany and England was a prime example of how he sees America , as an imperialist nation that has been arrogant, rather than a great noble nation that has at times made errors. This is the first President ever who has chastised our allies and appeased our enemies!

7. He is now handing out goodies. He hopes that the bill (and pain) will not come due until after he is reelected in 2012. He would like to blame all problems on Bush from the past, and hopefully his successor in the future. He has a huge ego, and Dr. Krauthammer believes he is a narcissist.

8.. Republicans are in the wilderness for a while, but will emerge strong. Republicans are pining for another Reagan, but there will never be another like him. Krauthammer believes Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty & Bobby Jindahl (except for his terrible speech in February) are the future of the party. Newt Gingrich is brilliant, but has baggage. Sarah Palin is sincere and intelligent, but needs to really be seriously boning up on facts and info if she is to be a serious candidate in the future. We need to return to the party of lower taxes, smaller government, personal responsibility, strong national defense, and state's rights.

9. The current level of spending is irresponsible and outrageous. We are spending trillions that we don't have. This could lead to hyperinflation, depression or worse. No country has ever spent themselves into prosperity. The media is giving Obama, Reid and Pelosi a pass because they love their agenda. But eventually the bill will come due and people will realize the huge bailouts didn't work, nor will the stimulus package.These were trillion-dollar payoffs to Obama's allies, unions and the Congress to placate the left, so he can get support for #4 above.

10. The election was over in mid-September when Lehman brothers failed, fear and panic swept in, we had an unpopular President, and the war was grinding on indefinitely without a clear outcome. The people are in pain, and the mantra of change caused people to act emotionally. Any Dem would have won this election; it was surprising it was as close as it was.

11. In 2012, if the unemployment rate is over 10%, Republicans will be swept back into power. If it's under 8%, the Dems continue to roll. If it's between 8-10%, it will be a dogfight. It will all be about the economy. I hope this gets you really thinking about what's happening in Washington and Congress. There is a left-wing revolution going on, according to Krauthammer, and he encourages us to keep the faith and join the loyal resistance. The work will be hard, but we're right on most issues and can reclaim our country, before it's far too late.

by buddah | Saturday 24 October 2009 10:37pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

How Do You Compliment an Indian in Wyoming?

"That's a nice tooth."

by buddah | Tuesday 29 September 2009 9:21am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Jewish Rye Bread

Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me."

by buddah | Wednesday 2 September 2009 8:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Helping a Bum

A woman was chatting with her next door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

by buddah | Thursday 6 August 2009 8:36pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Therapy

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

by buddah | Friday 24 July 2009 10:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

How to Live on 1/10 of your Income

With the recession hitting hard, how does a person live? The answer is simple....you can live on 1/10th the money you used to make.

How does one suffer the loss of 90% of their income and still survive? You must learn the "time value of money" function.

Money, as well all know, buys stuff. The problem is that stuff is expensive, especially new stuff.

For example, a book on the New York Times best seller list will cost around $25. But if you wait ten years for the book to turn up in a used book store, it will cost you $2.50. Exactly 1/10th the original price a decade years later. You pay an extra $22.50 to read the book while it is new. Who needs to be that current, anyway?

A new car loses thousands of dollars in value the minute you drive it off the lot. If you buy a 1999 car today, it will cost 1/10th of the cost of the new car today.

A first run movie costs $10.00, plus the popcorn...for 4 people this is a total of $40. Wait until the movie is for rent at the local video store, and the movie can be seen for $4. Make your own popcorn.

New clothes cost 10 times as much as used clothes. Shop at thirft stores. Who knows the difference after the first time they're washed?

The lesson is obvious...you don't pay for the stuff so much as you pay to have it right now when it is new. The longer you wait, the cheaper things get.

Instead of living in the year 2009, try living in 1999. You'll be amazed at how much you can save by waiting ten years.

The farther back in time you live, the more you will save, up to the point where old stuff becomes historic or collectable.

Just think if you'd saved all the original stuff you once owned. You could be living off selling the stuff today on eBay.

The problem is we are always constantly getting rid of our old stuff to buy new stuff. And paying a premium price for the newness of the stuff.

Does it really matter if you are just now reading 1999 copies of Newsweek? You can do this for free in any doctor's office.

As long as there are people willing to spend a lot of extra money to buy new stuff, there will always be a lot of older stuff around for sale at great discounts. You can furnish your home from yard sales. You can buy really cheap appliances and tools at yard sales. Televisions, even.

The major element of the cost of living is housing. You pay a premium for a house on a foundation. In you don't mind your home being mobile (especially in a tornado) you can get a basic place to live for under $45,000. If you get a really old mobile home (aka "trailer") you could cut that cost down to $4,500. And you might even get to live next to some of Bill Clinton's ex-girl friends.

Medical care is also an expensive part of the cost of living. Hey, who can afford health insurance, anyway? We're all going to die, anyway. Why prolong the process and bankrupt your children.

Remember, it isn't the cost, but the value that counts.

by buddah | Monday 6 July 2009 7:41am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Willie Nelson's New Song

"How can I kiss the lips at night that have been chewing my ass off all day long?"

by buddah | Thursday 25 June 2009 10:58pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Obama's First 100 Days in Office

DAY 100: Everything all fixed.

DAY 99: President Obama is relieved to find out that no one really pays attention to a president's second 100 days in office.

DAY 98: An ear of corn wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, "Vilsack!!"

DAY 97: Obama falls victim to the so-called "black presidents' curse," which holds that every African-American president will stub his toe trying to walk to the bathroom in the early morning hours of his 97th day in office.

DAY 96: President Obama gets halfway through a 4-page letter on his desk before realizing it was for Barack Obama of Spokane, WA.

DAY 95: President Obama furiously asks Cabinet who unlocked Sakura on his Street Fighter IV save file.

DAY 94: Homeless man and Obama doppelg?nger Tom Banks meets the president outside a D.C. restaurant and convinces him to secretly trade places for a week, a decision Obama will come to rue.

DAY 93: Taking his cue from President Obama's $800 billion stimulus bill, HUD Secretary Shaun Donovan goes on a spending spree not seen since the days of Caligula.

DAY 92: Secretary of Energy Steven Chu converts self into a sentient ball of energy.

DAY 91: Rahm Emanuel takes a deep breath, counts to 10, and reminds himself that it's not the envelope's fault.

DAY 90: Although he disagrees with many of his predecessor's policies, President Obama has to admit Bush left behind a pretty sweet home entertainment system.

DAY 89: To make up for missing the Opening Day first pitch, President Obama closes out the ninth for the Nationals.

DAY 88: White House senior adviser David Axelrod has to rush home to Chicago when he suddenly realizes he left his car in a two-hour parking zone in January.

DAY 87: Without alerting the president or anyone on his staff, White House counsel Greg Craig secretly decides to zone out for an entire day's worth of meetings.

DAY 86: Michelle Obama is busy hosting a conference on education reform, so the president has to attend a state dinner alone and carry around a de la Renta gown for the press to critique.

DAY 85: President Obama was totally about to stop illegal federal wiretapping, but got distracted by this phone call and then dinner and suddenly, it was bedtime.

DAY 84: Joe Biden meets with Treasury Secretary Geithner to discuss economic policy and whether you need to pay taxes on an old suitcase full of money you happened to find in a park 15 years ago.

DAY 83: The White House Easter Egg Roll sounded really good in Obama's speeches, but the event was undermined by policy complications, partisan rancor, and the economic crisis.

DAY 82: Although the leather-bound Mark Twain collection is very nice and all, Russian President Medvedev thought he made it clear that he wanted a Predator poster signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

DAY 81: Al Franken sets up another game of Boggle.

DAY 80: Robert Gibbs lets a rookie reporter repeat his question a third time before savoring ripping him apart.

DAY 79: Secretary Of Transportation Ray LaHood simply wants to know which Metrorail line Secretary Of Commerce Gary Locke is blaming for his late arrival to the Cabinet meeting.

DAY 78: Hastily organizing the staff Passover seder, Rahm Emanuel informs Peter Orszag that he will sing the damned four questions whether he likes it or not.

DAY 77: During an Agriculture Department staff meeting, the tension between Secretary Tom Vilsack and a nearby ear of corn becomes unbearable.

DAY 76: Snipers on the White House roof watch the NCAA Championship through a window on M Street.

DAY 75: The massive G20 protests that cost a man his life and British taxpayers $10 million in security are revealed to be a guerrilla marketing campaign for Cadbury Eggs.

DAY 74: Budget director Peter Orszag continues to refer to all of his policies as "Orszagian."

DAY 73: Press Secretary Gibbs stumps the entire press corps when he responds to the question ?How do we know the president didn?t call for the AIG bonuses himself?? with a question of his own: ?How do we know that the entire universe isn't just some sleeping dog's dream??

DAY 72: Joe Biden accidentally drops his briefcase, which pops open to reveal a comb, a tube of Binaca, and a dog-eared copy of Oui.

DAY 71: The president exculpates Harrisburg, PA native Raymond La Forge during the traditional "pardoning of the fool" for April Fools? Day.

DAY 69: In a drawn-out mating ritual, Eric Shinseki frantically chases a female Shinseki around the White House until, sufficiently impressed, the female acquiesces.

DAY 68: WhiteHouse.gov administrators clear out nine people still hanging around in the online town hall.

DAY 67: Obama helps out coworker by taking a shift at the White House gift shop.

DAY 66: White House Chef Cristeta Comerford gives a blank, puzzled stare when Biden asks for 'Eggs Biden.'

DAY 65: Following a state dinner, Obama lets the U.S. Marine Band know their soul version of "Hail to the Chief" will not be necessary.

DAY 64: Democratic fundraiser Wade Randlett thought he would be important enough to garner a meeting with the President during his trip to the White House, but is instead only given an uncomfortable ten minute face to face with Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis's wayward brother Hector.

DAY 63: Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsak wakes suddenly at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat screaming, "Corn!"

DAY 62: A sweaty, out-of-breath Joe Biden bursts into a Cabinet meeting to inform everyone that if a big guy named Ivan comes around looking for him, he "ain't here."

DAY 61: Chris Dillard of Bethesda, MD, receives the first new job under Obama's stimulus plan, being tasked with flipping the numbers on the White House scoreboard every time a new job is created.

DAY 60: Obama spends most of the day on the roof of the White House cleaning the gutters in order to teach his daughters a lesson about something or another.

DAY 59: A temporary lull in the White House's efforts to push legislation through Congress leaves the GOP dangerously close to being forced to decide what its beliefs and solutions for the country are.

DAY 58: Rahm Emmanuel sends out a memo forbidding any more graphical depictions of what a billion dollars in stacked $1 bills looks like.

DAY 57: Secret service agent Ted Scharpling stumps fellow agent Neal Vianna when he asks Vianna what he would do if Michelle Obama came at the president with a modified Glock 19 automatic.

DAY 56: To mark St. Patrick's Day, most of the White House staff wears green, except for Joe Biden, who never makes it into work.

DAY 55: Several weeks after reportedly being bit by a sheep dog, Eric Holder transforms into the shaggy attorney general at a critical moment during a press conference.

DAY 54: Obama's personal aide Reggie Love informs The New York Times that he's changed a lot since his May 27, 2008, profile and suggests they do a follow-up.

DAY 53: White House luncheon guests share a moment of awkwardness when someone says, "Madame, first lady," and both Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama turn around.

DAY 52: After refusing to take some of his state's stimulus money due to disagreements with the bill, Mississippi governor Haley Barbour wakes up to another burning tire on his lawn.

DAY 51: Reaching a milestone common for new presidents, Obama spends the afternoon seeing who is the most important person he can get on the phone in under five minutes.

DAY 50: While wandering the East Wing, Obama finds a really cool cobwebby room everyone had forgotten about for 125 years.

DAY 49: After hanging around for weeks and just watching from outside the White House fence, Sen. Harry Reid is finally invited to play in Barack Obama's pickup basketball game.

DAY 48: A trench-coat-wearing Wolf Blitzer is briefly detained by Secret Service agents after he is caught shoplifting three Mad magazines and a bottle of Dr Pepper from the White House gift shop.

DAY 47: Not wanting to sound too show-offy, White House Cabinet secretary Chris Lu tells a stranger at a Washington party that he "works in government."

DAY 46: A woman named Candi interrupts a Cabinet meeting to borrow $20 from Joe Biden for cigarettes.

DAY 45: A Treasury Department intern gets the lucky task of determining who lives and who dies today.

DAY 44: For the third time this week, press secretary Robert Gibbs peeks his head through the Oval Office door to let President Obama know that he's going on a Baskin-Robbins run.

DAY 43: Although everyone hopes the Minnesota senatorial race is decided quickly, Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) is getting pretty accustomed to putting her feet up on Norm Coleman?s old seat.

DAY 42: White House landlord Albert Grabowski isn't going to fix the damn radiator, and as far as those pipes go, that's not his problem either.

DAY 41: Sixteen hours and 25 cups of coffee into a Treasury Dept. strategy session, Tim Geithner proposes nationalizing CitiGroup, Bank of America, all nine seasons of Seinfeld, toast, Albania, and the third law of thermodynamics.

DAY 40: President Obama forwards the link to the new Star Trek movie trailer to the entire staff. Again.

DAY 39: The Obamas sit silently around their Camp David dining table because Malia forgot to pack Scattergories.

DAY 38: Uruguayan Ambassador left in blue room all day.

DAY 37: The West Wing staff enjoys two dozen boxes of Nilla Wafers courtesy of Nabisco after Obama mentions them in a speech.

DAY 36: Realizing there are 489 people working in the West Wing, Rahm Emanuel tells his secretary to stop buying cupcakes for everybody's birthday.

DAY 35: Negotiations between the House and Senate versions of the DC Voting Rights bill nearly break down when Senator Arlen Specter insists on keeping his doodle of a three-legged pony in the bill.

DAY 34: During a difficult moment of a televised address, President Obama debuts the evil-looking sock puppet that will speak on all unpopular matters from now on.

DAY 33: President Obama still hasn't updated his Twitter account, leaving millions of tweeple tweet-deprived for over a month.

DAY 32: Vice-President Joe Biden curses HotGunner79 for outbidding him at last minute on 1970's Navy bomber jacket.

DAY 31: White House Intern David Kimball decides delivering memos to Robert Gibbs counts as "managing critical White House messaging initiatives key to furthering the president's agenda."

DAY 30: At 3 a.m., President Obama sends Judd Gregg a group photo of his Cabinet, just so he knows what he's missing.

DAY 29: A nervous Canada accidentally offers to be annexed during Obama's first foreign visit.

DAY 28: Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's wife has taken to calling him the Trillion Dollar Man during sex.

DAY 27: Interior Secretary Ken Salazar is still feeling out the White House policy on nudity.

DAY 26: After receiving the fifth gift of its kind in as many weeks, Obama half-heartedly nails another African mask to the Oval Office wall.

DAY 25: Obama enjoys a quiet, candlelight dinner with Michelle and South Korean Prime Minister Han Seung-soo.

DAY 24: President Obama asks the visiting Estonian president if he wouldn't mind pretending to be Vladimir Putin for a second so he can practice for the Russian prime minister's big visit tomorrow.

DAY 23: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano awkwardly enters the Oval Office while President Obama is doing his Napolitano impersonation.

DAY 22: President Obama asks aides to alert him immediately if the Mutant Registration Act is introduced in Congress.

DAY 21: For the third time, the Joint Chiefs of Staff ask President Obama not to leave fantasy miniatures on war map.

DAY 20: Joe Biden clears his schedule to oversee the installation of four video poker machines in the Naval Observatory.

DAY 19: After a tense afternoon holed up in the Situation Room, President Obama finally locates that old pack of Lyndon Johnson's Benson & Hedges.

DAY 18: In one of many historic firsts, Barack Obama becomes the first black president to TiVo MythBusters.

DAY 17: Hillary Clinton meets with Haitian president Ren? Pr?val, who demands U.S. provide Haiti a sandwich by 2010.

DAY 16: Obama's "First 100 Days Dilbert Desk Calendar" still on day five.

DAY 15: Eighty-eight-year-old Justice John Paul Stevens informs the Obama administration of his decision to die in office, effective Mar. 1.

DAY 14: Taco Tuesday

DAY 13: President Obama meets with Vermont governor Jim Douglas and is saddened to find that he is not the creator of Garfield.

DAY 12: A nice little lazy Sunday for the president. Maybe read a book, watch a movie, whatever.

DAY 11: Director of the White House Office of Management and Budget reads former director of the White House Office of Management and Budget's memoirs.

DAY 10: Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Donovan wonders if they mean "urban" like "city" or "urban" like "black."

DAY 9: Impressionist Rich Little sits in a bathrobe on the floor of his one-bedroom apartment trying to figure out how to say "I am not a crook" like Barack Obama.

DAY 8: Rahm Emanuel's "open door" policy is severely tested by political director Patrick Gaspard's repeated claims that someone is taking Splenda packets from the jar on his desk.

DAY 7: After figuring out a comprehensive solution for the economic crisis in a dream, President Obama issues an executive order requisitioning a fleet of freight liners and 147,000 tons of eggplant.

DAY 6: Joe Biden spends the day sitting on a couch in the Oval Office, saying he "just wants to watch."

DAY 5: Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack spends another day worried that his unanimous confirmation means people have forgotten what a hell-raiser he was as mayor of Mount Pleasant, IA.

DAY 4: Former treasury secretary Henry Paulson is discovered sleeping next to the boiler in the White House basement.

DAY 3: Obama takes a few minutes to fill out the change of address card for his Popular Mechanics subscription.

DAY 2: Suddenly everyone in the Roosevelt Room looks around and realizes: yes, this will be the seating arrangement for the next four years.

DAY 1: In one of his first acts as president, Obama begins the process of closing down the CIA prisons that he knows about.

by buddah | Thursday 30 April 2009 7:34am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

"Miss Piggy" Dies of Swine Flu

(AP) Miss Piggy, actress and star of television, stage, and screen, has become the first celebrity victim of the Swine Flu Epidemic. The 39 year old actress passed away at Hollywood Hills Hospital surrounded by family, friends, and a representative from Peyton's Meat Packing Plant.

Miss Piggy is survived by her late husband, Kermit the Frog. She was preceeded in death by her mother, who was a Cure 81 ham served for Thanksgiving dinner in Chicago in 1982, and her father, most famous for playing for his role as the bacon in a Burger King Bacon Double Cheeseburger commercial. Her brother, Leo, is currently a retired football that scored a touchdown in a Superbowl and is on the shelf of Emmitt Smith.

Her cousin, Porky Pig, will offer the eulogy at her funeral on Thursday. From the hospital media center, he offered the following statement: "P-P-P-Piggy was a really sweet g-g-g-g- lady. I hope that wherever she goes, her k-k-k-karate chops will be remembered as much as her p-p-p-p-pork chops."

It should be noted that Miss Piggy captained a NASA mission that became known as Pigs in Space. NASA will commemorate her service to the program with a space shuttle flyover and by cancelling the scheduled Pork Roast lunch in their cafeteria the day of the funeral.

by buddah | Tuesday 28 April 2009 8:19am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

51 Days!

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can?t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children?s jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What?s all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

by buddah | Sunday 26 April 2009 8:57am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,

Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.

Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.

But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son

by buddah | Friday 24 April 2009 8:38am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

ABC's of Ex-Girlfriends

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necrophiliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

by buddah | Sunday 19 April 2009 2:12pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Some Thoughts

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a
bee.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators
with a lot of bright people.

It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're going to steal the
neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on
someone else.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.



by buddah | Friday 17 April 2009 9:45am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Somali Pirates Hijack American Town

Biloxi, MS - Armed with AK-47's, nearly two dozen Somali pirates have stormed the town of Biloxi, Mississippi, holding residents hostage and demanding ten million dollars in ransom.

With naval forces from China, Japan, Germany, and others patrolling the coast of Somalia, the pirates have had to move further and further out of their comfort zone. Flush with millions of dollars of ransom money from past payments, the pirates are well-armed and growing bolder.

One of the pirates, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "We accidentally dropped our GPS unit in the ocean, and really had no idea where we were going. A few weeks later, we ended up here in Biloxi. It's a really nice town. If you want it back, you must pay us ten million dollars."

Already dealing with the challenges of a sagging economy and a sabre-rattling North Korea, President Obama's approach in dealing with this crisis has been widely criticized.

Rob Andrews, a resident of Jackson, was one of the critics, saying, "Can't shoot them because they're not American citizens? We can't re-take the town until they get green cards and become subject to U.S. laws? What a load of liberal crap. Still, Biloxi's kind of a dump. We should just let 'em keep it."

According to the latest Gallup poll, it seems most Mississipians agree with Andrews, with over 85 percent in favor of not paying the pirates' ransom, as the funds would have to come from a new tax proposed by Governor Haley Barbour.

by buddah | Wednesday 15 April 2009 8:54am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Twenty Dollars

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".


by buddah | Monday 13 April 2009 8:14am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad.. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Any night you want."

by buddah | Saturday 11 April 2009 7:49am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Zen Wisdom

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

by buddah | Wednesday 8 April 2009 7:11am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Barocky Road

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ".

Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.

The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.

Are you feeling stimulated?

by buddah | Monday 6 April 2009 7:13am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

On the Road Again

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ."

The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

by buddah | Friday 3 April 2009 10:47am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

University Entrance Exam: Football Player Version:

Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?

History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Barack Obama.

Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?

Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

Religion: How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)

Geography: What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

Natural Science: Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?

Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

by buddah | Wednesday 1 April 2009 1:37pm | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

"YOU DA MAN!" Test

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood test results
C. Five tequila slammers

You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Sports Center

Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing to which your wife/girlfriend would agree.
C. Not the sort of thing about which your wife/girlfriend need ever to find out.

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman with whom you've just had sex is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern to you.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A Moron.

Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."

A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with the intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Should never have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

EVALUATING RESULTS: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you ARE a man!!

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

by buddah | Monday 30 March 2009 7:40am | Clear Firezone | permalink | 0 comments

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is
those cell phones