"advisor" = Czar
"vision" - Marxism
"progressive" = Communist
"recovery" = 3 Million jobs lost
"investment" = Deficit spending
"bi-partisan" = Shut up and agree
"peace process" = Sellout to the Arabs
"jobs bill" = "Billions for banker bonuses
"reproductive care" = Tax funded abortions
"road to recovery" = We're headed for the dumpster
"tax reforms" = Take money from taxpayers to buy votes
"climate change legislation" = Energy tax to buy votes
"health care reform" = Government takeover and rationing of health care

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake..
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me..
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog ....
And Obama was a tree.

A five-year old student was learning to read. He pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this, teacher! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

The teacher looked at the picture and the caption read AFRICAN ELEPHANT.

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting licence.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over and said, "You tell me. You're the expert."

You don't have to be Nostradamus to sense which way the political winds in this country have shifted.

President Obama ran on a slogan of "Change You Can Believe In" and what has he accomplished in his first year in office? He has appointed tax cheats to cabinet positions and bailed out Wall Street fats cats. With his Democratic majority in Congress he rushed through an "emergency" stimulus bill with earmarks that has yet to be spent. His administration has increased the budget deficit by 1.3 trillion dollars, the largest since the end of WW II. His administration watched unemployment rise above 10% while he spent his political capital trying to force a government takeover of one sixth of the U.S. economy. He dithered about sending more troops to Afghanistan, gave rights to terrorist suspects, attempted to close Guantanamo, and bring the terrorists to the United States. He apologized for America to the world and bowed to foreign leaders. His promise of transparency was tarnished by the backroom, Chicago style deals to secure support for a health care bill that the majority of American citizens don't want.

Is it any wonder that Obama's party lost elections in New Jersey, Virginia, and Massachusetts after he campaigned for Democrats in those states. The President has frittered away his veto proof majority in the Senate by losing the seat once held by ultra-liberal Ted Kennedy. Other members of Obama's party are changing parties or deciding not to run for re-election, and Republican challengers are leading in polls prior to the November mid term elections.

By any standard, President Obama's first year in office was a failure. But it was Bush's fault, right?

Wipe your mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

If you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

Don't let your mind wander... It's too small to go out on its own.

I heard you changed your mind at last...what did you do with the diaper?

Everyone seems to be normal until you get to know them.

"You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since That Rabbi Came to Town"

Dear President Obama:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. Into Mexico , and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U S. Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. "I thought you could help me to explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding" "A Coke. That's a breakfast?"

If they give you-take; if they take from you-yell!

Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers

Don't spit into the well - you might drink from it later

Cancer - schmancer -as long as you're healthy

Do not worry about tomorrow, because you may not even know what's going to happen to you today

If on person tells you that you have an asses ear, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself

You can't chew with somebody else's teeth

If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face

You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind

One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lay in bed until noon

For dying you always have time

When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise

Silence is the fence around wisdom