Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, " 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 Questions. . . shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.

The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says to the other,
"You know, I thought I'd been completely analyzed, but yesterday
I experienced the most remarkable Freudian Slip."

The friend nods and waits to hear more...

The first psychiatrist continues, "I was having dinner with my
mother, and I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter', but instead
I said, 'You miserable bitch, you've ruined my life!!!".

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

1. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

2. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk

3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN

4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish

5. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning

6. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants

7. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

8. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead

9. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck

10. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible

11. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you

12. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear

13. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands up.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one
small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Smith, "'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Smith, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Smith, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

1. You're a *****

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "NO" then get pissed off when you are believed

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening

5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me foryou to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!"

6. Whine

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you

11. Complain

12. Hate any bar that he likes

13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything........ except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc..........these are required gifts proving his love

14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress in your life (also, see number 7)

15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a ***** and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible

16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs

17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2

18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given

19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

There was a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"

More sighs and applause.

Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!!"

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we could contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said, "Fuck the rabbi.'"

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The young produce assistant tells him that they only sell whole heads.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

"Ok, I'll go ask my manager." says the employee.

Walking into the back room, he locates the manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finishes his sentence, he turns around to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approves the deal and the man goes on his way.

Later that afternoon the manager says to the employee, "I was quite impressed with the way you got yourself out of that earlier situation; we like employees who can think on their feet. So, son, where are you from?"

"Canada, sir," the employee replies.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asks.

The employee says, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and hockey players in Canada."

"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"Wow," says the employee, "What team did she play for?"